-not getting to act out.
-misbehave.
-be irrational.
-yell.
-scream.
-be utterly out of control.

but the word is GENEROSITY.

im choosing to be generous. before we start, please dont misinterpret what i am saying…im not talking as if i am self-righteous and “granting” such a notion onto another from a gaudy throne high up in a castle. and it is in fact not true that others are victim to my every whim…thats not what i am saying…
ok, here we go…

“Generosity is not giving me that which I need more than you do, but it is giving me that which you need more than I do.”-
Khalil Gibran

let me first say, no one “needs” anyone else’s actions to dictate their happiness or reality. we own all of that in our minds.

but, sometimes i wake up such as this morning and want to piss in someones cheerios just…because.
because i get antsy
because i get uncomfortable with intimacy
because i want to create distance
because its a bad habit
because i want to aggressively act and not even react, but simply act out
because im anxious about God knows what
“because” takes on a multitude of faces.

and c’mon, i KNOW i am not alone.

but today i chose against myself (my immature self, that is) to be GENEROUS with my love. i chose to bestow generosity to someone elses feelings over my desire to instantly gratify and soothe my own knee-jerk reaction to stress. which we all know would cause myself and someone else emotional harm.

someone else needed my love. an idea in my mind arose that i needed to be an ass more than they needed my love. but i chose against “getting something unimportant off my chest” and chose to give love.

generosity with love wins every time. there is nothing to be lost there.

and the ridiculously elementary part of this whole thing is that i had no foundation for my unwarranted desire to be crazy anyway. i was just bored…and doesnt it seem more appropriate that in these times of “boredom” i find a cure for cancer or something??! …do something that actually matters in the world?!

it is really interesting the human condition. and i will use myself as the example. i am really a strong promoter of love and beauty to be displayed, given and received. however, i feel its going to be a life long journey in training myself to not deflect or reject that love.
maybe it will forever be an unanswered question on why we need love so much, but fight its flood over us.
we resist it,
we make excuses on why we shouldnt have it, and its scientifically proven that babies grow properly from being given healthy doses of love. everything inside and outside of nature exists better because of it.
but still we resist.

coming full circle, maybe i practiced a little self-love as a by-product of graciously extending love rather than spitting venom on another individual. maybe i saved myself the much-craved chaos that in essence is not good for me. maybe along with loving someone i saved myself today…thats a good start to the day, and every thing from here on out today is bonus.

generous with my love
generous with my kindness
generous with the things that are good…this is what i want to try today.

and i hope you are generous with me in understanding that our lives are a beautiful process…always something to be learned.
always somewhere to improve
always the opportunity to become better friends with our highest selves.

much love-

n.

growing up in an area that wasnt necessarily the “right side of the tracks”, what i know now to be a  blessing, i was raised in a home that didnt really see “separation” or lines that cut. we were all just in the same boat for the most part. and i think i was probably quite naive to the presence of status, levels, and race/sexual/financial limitation. but as an adult i can really, really appreciate the progressive and other-worldly knowledge and insight that Mr. King successfully imparted as a movement.

every time i want to flip someone off for cutting me off, or every time i want to violently defend myself against some sort of an attack great or small-i can always go back to his influence. i can go back to joining in his belief in non-violence. his commitment to the idea that we are all one- truly softens the blow when im in an uncontrollable moment of attack. if we are truly all one, how would it assist me to hurt another? will it not just come back to me? if i am hurting another am i not hurting myself? yes, i am. at our core, we are the same. we all do seek love. we all do seek happiness. we all do need others. we all seek liberation and freedom. our sickness, lack, fear may manifest in different ways, yet we are all the same. 

there are so many facets to civil rights today. they are all equally important. they all need attention and action.

while there are still 17,000 children dying a day from hunger-

while there is still even just one gay couple that cannot marry-

while there are still races who suffer from bigotry-

while there are still women being raped and abused everywhere-

while there is still a need for precious young men and women to leave home to fight wars-

while animals are still being treated inhumanely-

while governments (ours not excluded) continue to control its people by fear-

and while its still not just understood that all humans are entitled to healthcare-

we must carry on the words of Dr. King.

we must carry on the words of Jesus Christ.

we must carry on the words of Gandhi.

we must carry on the words of Mother Teresa.

we must carry on the words of so many great people before us. people that were tuned into their own greatness and the responsibility that comes with that awareness.

“to whom much is given much is tested…”-Luke 12:48 and Kanye

“All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.

we are all pre-programmed to serve the other,  to help the other, and to extend a hand to the other in need. this can be a practice in excellence. this, i am not even close to perfection. however, today (as it could be every day) to honor Mr. King in my way, and to honor humankind alike today, i would like to pay attention to my little judgements of others. be aware and vigilant of my thoughts that harm. today i can rectify my actions in any of those times in which i have been violent with words to another or withheld love from another human being. if i could pay homage DAILY to Mr. King or the other greats with an exemplifying rendition of their works as a blue print for my life-my world would be better for myself and the ones in my scope. 

peace.

rEVOLution.

n.

i just wanted to send a quick check in to wish you all well. and that on this eleventh day of january you had so much joy springing from you that you couldnt contain yourselves!

much love to you….

n.

ive been in the process of moving since early december, and am officially in my new place along with juggling several birthdays, christmas, new years eve etc….so, the proverbial dust has somewhat settled. ive been tv-less which is actually quite nice. and ive been void of internet and still am. this, i feel lost. its a shame. i feel unsettled with the reality of “checking -in” or status updating and mobile uploads. however, i feel so removed from life not having it also. i feel like im out of the loop. i feel detached. 

i remember feeling anxiety not having any of my “gear” as i was beginning to play that life changing game we will call “SURVIVOR”. such a void penetrated me. i felt like i was kicking. unable to speak with family, loved ones, and not being able to plug in to any happenings or drama of the moment-i had to just sink into that ever-deafening silence.

THEN…

as i settled in, the peace came. 

no distraction.

no influence.

no noise.

not even a mirror to see myself (that was awesome)

it was like i was floating and so focused at the same time. i was so available to everything around me and everything around was available to me. but focused.

so, now, in the new year, i want to feel that focus. that power of potentiality. i obviously have to function in this world so i need my computer, i need my phone…but can i detach from it on a level? i think so. i can focus on the love in my life. focus on the good shit, and focus on the things i want to see and do, and with whom. but the beautiful trick is to balance that scary/deafening silence with the facets of life in LA. visit that void. make that void my friend. sitting in my painful silence has proven to be one of the most powerful tools ive ever employed. 

so, as i bitched the last few weeks in defiance of being stripped of modern day convenience aka distractions, here i am reveling in the sheer enjoyment of it.

this year…im going to be more present. present in the people around me. present in my endeavors. present in my life. that being said, i’m gonna turn my phone off from time to time. power down to power up.

peace, ya’ll.

n.

be positive and goodness will come-you will get positive results.
be negative and shit will creep in around you.

i have been ever so guilty of putting on my “3D shit-finder glasses” lately…ive had no lack in finding the gloom.
but it is ever so true.

it stops here…

its funny, i HATE, LOATHE, DETEST cold weather. i actually get rather depressed in the winter as i can never get warm. and here in LA it has been rather brisk, crisp and essentially free of smog. usually, id bitch and moan that it was so frigid, but ive been able to inhale/exhale expand and contract with it. ive enjoyed the idea of possibilities of beauty happening rather than crap. maybe im on the upswing of shedding my skin of complaint and viewing life differently. i think we all go through pockets of misery lifted up by moments of bliss. its an unbreakable law of nature. every action has an equal and opposite reaction. at least we can take comfort knowing that there will always be a cycle in life.

and that we get what we give.

its like the matrix, which pill am i gonna choose to take?

what view am i going to choose to see life?

what direction am i gonna steer myself?

its all my choice.

marianne williamson’s tweet this morning was this:”change your life by retraining your mental muscles. example-think of the BEST thing that could happen and ASSUME that it will.”

thats the choice im making today to find the BEST.
im not coming to you with this whole, “hey, life is so great all the time! and OMG, lollipops and rainbows fly out of my ass”…im not saying that. im saying that just for today, i have waken up with a tremendous amount of gratitude in my heart, a different sight on life, and a fresh pot of coffee flowing through my veins.JUST FOR TODAY, i can breathe without a tight chest, and im saying thank you.

the day has broken. its beautiful. swarming with miracles all around. its crisp, its new and waiting -crying out for your hand to paint it with your most beautiful colors.

and if you have to start out small and paint by numbers, thats definitely ok too. the universe will meet you and support you exactly where you are in this moment. but paint.

peace-and all my love.

n.

ive had a few rough couple of months. ive been tested and tried. we all have right?! this isnt a sob story of pity or poor me, but sometimes the shit stinks more than usual. and for me personally right now, a 200 lb rottweiler took a dump and the sun came out just to heat it up as i seem to walk by minding my own…

BUT the more important part is the exhale that i even started this blog with.

a few days ago as i made a reservation for pity party of one in my bed, not even needing to leave home, i thought my chest was going to close up. i thought all the air to breathe was trapped in a balloon somewhere and i let go of the string. i saw the balloon that i so desperately needed float up, up, up, and away from me. i lost it. i not only lost the imaginary balloon, i momentarily lost my mind. well, lets just say i misplaced it for a few hours (i seem to do that from time to time).

but again, back to the exhaling part…

(be warned:here comes the almost vomit-inducing self help)…

i was so momentarily uncomfortable in my own skin. so displeased with the turns and winds ive found myself on, but after my temper tantrum, i wore myself out (like whats appropriate for 2 year olds…suffice it to say i should have surpassed that demographic long ago). i fell asleep. i needed it. the last week ive been getting 3-4 hours of sleep at night. so, i napped in the middle of the day.

when i woke up-i could breathe. my chest opened up. i seemed to have put on some glasses that allowed me to see things clearly. it wasnt so bad. and i told myself that there would be no more days like this one.

it was a decision.

the decision to take care of myself and take a f*ing nap.
the decision to assess and make change
the decision to be create solution
the decision to stop and ALLOW myself to breathe.

the next day was the greatest day ive had in a very long time.

this is cyclical for me. from time to time i tend to get to the point of almost suffocating and completely losing my mind-then the dust settles, and im brought completely back to good. now, i can smile about it. i like going a lil crazy from time to time. it keeps things exciting.

so, the theme for the day is: GO ABSOLUTELY IRREVOCABLY BAT SHIT CRAZY! if youre on the verge of snapping and work, family, your boss, whatever, has you at your breaking point…then just break. (preferably in the privacy of your own padded wall home, but let the shit fly)…theres a certain clarity and resolution that comes from a lil mania from time to time.

it can actually catapult you into a place of change that you needed.
i know that when i get to the point of crazy, its because ive been putting off doing things or making decisions that were best for my greatest self. and finally somewhere deep down i get so pissed i snap, and have to get back on my greatest path, its good.
do it.
go crazy.

be crazy in love
crazy for life
and crazy to laugh.

and by the way, “well-behaved women rarely make history…”-laurel thatcher ulrich

“..in a sky full of people only some want to fly, isnt that crazy??!…no we’re never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy…”

peace-

n.

God shows up with an intense sense of humor.

funny.

hilarious.

as of late as i have felt that there must be a camera following me around to catch my reactions to life’s happenings…well, here we are again. wheres the jokester with the camera?

“where is the freaking camera???” like candid camera…its got to be somewhere.

so, back to the story…at my coffee shop-as im heavy in thought, writing, pondering, assessing (probably with a deep furrow between my brows)…this guy next to me…wait, did i hear something? is that his cup moving making that noise on the table?…ok, back to my heavy thoughts on life…damn, what is that noise??? surely this guys not….ok, ok, ok, meaning of life…where am i? am i lost am i found? am i in my purpose??? OMG!!!! JUST WHAT I SUSPECTED!!!!! THIS GUY IS IN A PERPETUAL STATE OF FARTING (i dont know how else to say it). so immediately i look around to see if -a) anyone else is privy to this sonic reality -b) i look to see if he even is concerned with himself -c) then i look for yes, a camera….is he serious with this (shit) right now??!!!! as i am reading an excerpt from the TAO, guy decides to stand (ass at the side of my head)…and again, the slow, daunting rumble of thunder seeping through his faded black jeans and seeping in to haunt my right ear…as he leaves he takes his sweet precious time gathering his belongings. just standing there. still blowing a mighty wind… i am now in complete denial and shock! im trying to find some sort of semblance of my life and seek peace and happiness, and right in this moment God thought it would be a good idea that maybe i needed a good laugh. i did. i laughed hard and long (kinda like the guys…..you know, flatulence)….

long hard and loud…

do it.

just for today, do it long hard and loud…

be it a fart.

but preferably a really good laugh…or really good sex.

whatever it be, make God proud. He may just need to use you to brighten someones day ….

peace.

n.

but in all reality i need to release, cleanse, exorcise the thoughts from my brain dead head.

i am mixed with crazy emotion as i dive into a difficult and unexpected life alteration.

as something traumatic and completely shocking happens to someone i care for-i do what i always do in times such as this: i try to dig my toes deep in my boots and pull the straps up, clamp my heels down and start walking. this is where i become stoic. this is where i try to do right by those around me. this is where i try to hold shit down all while not getting in the way, and not shedding a tear.

tears arent accepted when i morph into this headspace. i have to do what a big girl does. just do it, just be it-whatever THAT is.

but heres the rub-

my soul wants to cry. my spirit has been shaken. and my heart is sad. and its ok, it will all mend. by the Grace of God, it always does. but right now in this time, i am conflicted with pushing my own feelings aside to remain strong for the loves around me. and like Tori Amos most cleverly wrote-i feel like “my scream got lost in a paper cup, i think theres a heaven where some screams have gone…”

i read this verse yesterday: “father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. “-john 17:24…i took it this way: i need to be with the ones i love right now in this painful time of chaos and unwanted change. to be with him exactly as he is. and in his struggles and frustration, heartache, and tears-see his glory. he is perfect. He is perfect because God loved him far before the earth was created. and those that have been with me in this time exactly as i am miraculously recharge me to again, be there for him. its a beautiful gift exchange.

and finally, my tears have revolted. against my strongest statuesque rebellion they have revolted. but its ok. no one has to see them. i cry out to the angels that watch over me and in my own quiet and solitude these same angels hold my tears in their hands.

give love to those around you. life and the force of it shifts like the four winds. embrace.

i just want to acknowledge the angels that watch over me daily and nightly. and i want to bow to the angels that watched over a beautiful beautiful boy at 3:07 am on september 11, 2011.

in much gratitude….

n.

well, nonetheless, its finally here. so i will wish for just a few days for ac, then the rest of the entire year i will go back to opening all the french windows and catch a chill.

i figured i should type something as i have meandered off track with my writing. and this is a way to exercise/exorcise my thoughts-most literally and figuratively.

a few days ago i wrote how my panties were in a bunch over a lot of nothing really. so what, it happens.

but my perspective today is that sometimes we take one step back to take 2 steps forward. and its all in the perspective. and today, im a little tired of having a bad attitude so i am able today, to muster the strength for a smile for all of those around. (i think the large amounts of caffeine is also at work)…

but today, since this is where im at, i want to just say,”love love love someone, and let them know how you feel”.

life is good
life is sweet
and its nice to say bye to the darkside…at least for today!

…just for today…

peace.

n.

if im being honest with myself…i think im in a rut.

im stuck.
im standing in the mud with a pair of ’91 doc martens weighing me down in the sludge.
i feel as if i cant even move backward if i wanted to. what? i cant even REGRESS if i wanted to?
just here?
nothing?
no action?
no progress?

and, in truth, all these bull-shit ideas arent my truth. i know this.

i know my truth is that i am strong. i am capable, and i am a body in motion. and Newton proved in his first law, that “a body in motion tends to stay in motion…unless acted on by an outside force”.

is there an outside force fucking with me and causing me to feel as if im not in fact in motion? or is there an outside force pushing me off my present path??? this i do not know.

what i know to be true is this:

we are all Gods children-children of the infinite with possibilities that are boundless. i know this to be true, i just cant feel it right in this moment. so whats imperative for me right here right now is to go within. go within to sort of dispel that so-called “outside force”.

in-tuition
in-telligence
in-trosepction
in-delible
in-genious
in-credible

inside is where everything is. inside is where change happens. inside is where i have to come up for air. not outside. inside.
ive avoided me. ive avoided my internal dialogue, and like a kid throwing a temper tantrum, now my shits all amok…my spirit is in demand of attention.

so, as i do some obsessive home improvements and have a toddler quiet time tonight, maybe everything will quiet. maybe it will be like a projected storm that dissolves into nothingness before it strikes land.

tonight…a glass of wine, severe, almost scary home cleaning and borderline neurotic actions will hopefully bring me back home. dig me out of the muck and the mire that im currently illusioned into believing that im stuck in…

and i will wake up tomorrow renewed, refreshed, and revived and i will realize it was all a bad dream…

ok, thats it for today…sorry it wasnt sugary coated with cavity causing sweetness. this is where im at today.

mud.
slush.

but the brilliant thing is…i can just take off the boots, leave them there and go bare-foot.

peace.

n.