sabotage.

so-hello there.

here i am….again.

where i am right this very moment in my life is in front of the computer, Johnny Cash on spotify, coffee at 11:05 pm, and the phenomenon of sabotage spiraling through my head like a thorny vine puncturing every neuro-transmitter in my tiny brain.

sabotage. damn.

what does it look like? what does it feel like? does it have a face? and does it cease to exist without our participation? is it independent in itself? is sabotage its own generator or must it depend on us to give it life? did it exist before us or did it follow after our creation of it?

hmmm. i dunno.

i DO know sabotage is in my face right now. i also know its about time for me to go pound for pound and knock it the f* out. i know that sabotage is not going to the gym when i know it would clear my mind and strengthen my body to do so. i know sabotage is not brushing my pearly whites before bed because im too sleepy. i know sabotage is sitting on my numb ass mindlessly wasting life and energy on facebook completely unaware of what im even looking at. and sabotage has many more repugnant and dangerous faces (i wont go into mine here).

sabotage comes to visit me when i am about to take flight. or better yet, in this case, after i have taken flight- sabotage wants me to look down below and it would have me realize i am afraid of heights. unsteady wings in flight would then ensue toward a crash and burn. yup, thats it.

what i have gained in my years of trial, error, harm and foul is that i am sitting here, fully aware of when that beast-faced sabotage comes to taunt me. when i can feel “sabotage” on my six-i pay close attention. when “sabotage” then graduates to flanking me-i pay even closer attention. i let it get right in my face. i acknowledge it, give it a smart-ass grin, then walk through it turning it into a mere vapor. poof. gone.

i cant say that i am 100% every time on point, but now my senses alert me to sabotage. i am no longer an ignorant victim to it-to allow it to happen then cry about it later. i’m too old for that stupidity. i’m grown.

i guess i am, in a round about way, in gratitude with Mr. Cash right now knowing whats going on and aware of my life right now. there have been many periods in which i have been utterly unconscious. so the long of the short is that i am grateful right in this moment.

i dont really have an end, middle or beginning to this post. its simply just this.

til next time

n.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”      -Marianne Williamson

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wonderment.

since i was little i  go to sleep to music. i need that “white noise” to send me to zenREM…lately, i have been waking up with a childlike sense of wonderment.

i have been consumed with an immense sense of gratitude for this thing called “life”. i have seen such darkness that the sun is even more  warm and vibrant than i remember of its last sighting.

everyday, i get to be inspired by what and who is around me. daily i am reminded that my body is a temple.

 

everyday comes the awareness that my actions affect the world or at least my neighbor…and that has a ripple effect. i am responsible for myself. and i am responsible for the world, and leaving it better than how i found it.

i feel humbled when i witness people around me pushing through their own barriers and challenges with tenacity, grace, and fortitude. i get to be in THAT kind of company.

company of people that GIVE A DAMN.

on days in which i wake up with  anxiety, i can rely on the strength of the company around me to catapult me forward. the beauty is knowing i will be the conduit for them one day when they need it as well.

so the goal of this post is to tell you that if you feel there is no more sun, no more heat, and the beauty has faded…the light is coming. it always does. and for me the only way of recognizing the light, is to have completely with every fiber of my being digested the darkness; swallowing it whole. or it swallowing me, rather.

i would like to thank all of the people that have blessed me with their friendship, their love, and sometimes tough stances that needed to be taken for my advancement.

we are constructed in this complex, tightly woven web to dance with one another. we just need to be listening to the music.

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well hello, world…

i have missed you.

i have missed myself.

i cant get into too much detail in one blog. it would be of WAR AND PEACE magnitude, and i wish NOT to inflict such quantity  upon you on a beautiful Friday.

lets just say, my last post was January 13th…and from then until now i feel i have been in the trenches of war (even before January, if im gonna be accurate). i have been battling a war within myself for a few years now.

in true theme with my Comanche heritage and  chief Quanah Parker, it is in my blood to never shy away from a fight…it has always been innate for me to welcome them, actually.

Comanches are known for their savagery, and i spared no such savagery in the battle with myself.

for 2 years the tables have turned in a way where i was fighting with and fighting against the greatest warrior i have ever come up against.

myself.

i dont think i am writing to you and this finds you unable to understand. i think you can identify with exactly what i am saying right now.

i think the greatest warriors any of us come up against are ourselves.

i was winning some pretty insignificant battles with myself but almost lost the war.

i would wake up in the morning wondering where my fullness of life had gone.

in such a state of disillusionment, i would see but just a vapor of what my dreams had once been.

so perplexed, i couldn’t understand if it was one decision, many decisions, or like a leaf that fell into a lake-i had just effortlessly been carried off with the ripple over time.

anger.

self-abuse.

punishment.

victimhood.

hopelessness.

no direction to turn.

zero answers.

comfortless.

restless.

bitter.

that would be the cycle for the last few years of my life…only to play on repeat and no one is around to turn the damn thing off.

but the fighter, the warrior inside me that almost mockingly and joyously defeated me…GOT SERVED.

the OTHER fighter, the OTHER warrior EMERGED from the murky, muddy trenches.

like a phoenix rising from the ashes, this champion materialized from the thick, sticky mire and fought and scraped through the quicksand.

once suffocated and unable to breathe-my lungs opened up like a newborn baby shockingly going from amniotic fluid to cool, crisp oxygen.

i was alive.

i fought and prevailed.

i championed over myself.

life isnt always glamorous, perky, easy, and graceful. and anyone who fakes it or would like you to feel less than because they tell you it is-is full of  shit.

life is challenging.

life is unrelenting.

life is unapologetic.

BUT

what can take on that challenge?

what is even more unrelenting?

what is even more unapologetic?

the force within you.

that fire that burns inside you through the darkest of nights like a pilot light. it never goes out. ever soft. ever long.

that hungry edge within you that cries out to God.

the defender and protector within that can take one more punch. one more knock.one more hit-and laughs with every sting.

know which warrior to train.

know which voice to listen to, i believe it is a life-long training.

THAT warrior, THAT voice, THAT force will never leave you abandoned. i am living proof, that i was not left alone.

you are with you.

you are not alone.

peace,

n.

i want to thank all the artists on tumblr.

and thank you julie for your art.

 

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dress rehearsal…

2013.

i know some people cast judgments against the ones of us who get excited and enthralled over a new year. i’ve heard it before, “the weak and feeble of mind buy into the newness of possibility when its really just another calendar day…this ignorantly blissful belief in something to offer hope and peace for people to believe in a new year…blah blah blah…”

but i DO get excited about it and i’m unapologetic that i get excited about it.

the question was presented to Pablo Picasso, “how do you paint, and come up with your paintings?”…he answered, “i always start with a blank canvas.” we can all be a Picasso and a new year can be our canvas.

and what i’m really grasping is life is not a dress rehearsal. it just IS. THIS IS LIFE. its here, and there is no “Someday”, because someday never comes.

so im starting this year off with no governor on my engine. i’m not rationing out my energy. i’m not saving ideas or dreams to someday do. i’m moving full steam ahead, i will put forth maximum effort into my endeavors, and i am living as my someday is today.

so my wish for you is that this year is the most brilliant movie you’ve ever written, directed, cast, and starred in…and the wardrobe??…dress to the nines!

happy new day, new life, new idea, new love, and new year….

much peace-

n.

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Imagephoto credit: kevin weaver

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ALPHA AND OMEGA…the beginning and the end….

i get really heady in these last few days before the great unfolding of a new year approaches. so much to disect and ponder with a year gone by, and so much anticipation with what could potentially lay ahead….not to mention as a collective we (the world) ponder such things, then i alone sit in an even more personal reflection as my birthday falls on the very last day of the year. so i have all the nervous anxiety with reflecting on my year gone by, and with the entire world fuss about the new one coming ahead.

i have always had a difficult time with this time of year….new year, old regrets or should haves, or time wasted, or effort not applied…then birthday…older….where am i in life? what the hell am i doing with myself??? you get it by now, yah??

 

THIS YEAR IS DIFFERENT!!!!! i am so excited for this time! i am so grateful for the gift of new beginnings; new firsts; new ALPHAS…..i can change, mold, shape myself into exactly what i want to be, what i want my world to look like, and how i want to contribute in the world. there is no greater gift than the gift of making new choices or keeping the same ones….

choice.

change.

correct.

and you cant have an ALPHA without the OMEGA…because with “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

the bow on that gift i was talking about earlier?? is the ability to drop the old. 

drop it.

shed it. 

let it go.

if it didnt work, THE END.

such a gift to start anew. to be able and willingly courageous to end habits, scenarios, choices that simply have come to a dead end. aaaah…..we are free to choose. and the power to follow it through comes from the power in us that is Greater than ourselves. we just call on it.

upon coming to a new year and a clean slate untainted, i have such gratitude that i can have a new beginning each and every day. i tend to forget that sometimes, but i hope you remember as well, you can start over everyday, every hour, midday stuff isnt going right…correct it then and there. you have the power to choose.

the power to choose an ending to an old beginning and to choose a new beginning from an old end…..and sometimes the end never comes, its just a beginning, un-ended…….(total Chrissy Snow moment)….

i send out a blessing for us all in 2013…we only live once, and if youre gonna do it, do it this year…theres no time better than now!

this happens to be the year of the snake. it is a charming one, a smart, positive and cunning time! Go with it, shed your old skin and feel the refreshing surge of new energy.

 

i believe in you.

 

happy new year.

happy new you…if you want it…. 😉

embrace the magic 

embrace each other

but all this start by embracing you.

n.

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