I got to…

play dress up yesterday at a location downtown Los Angeles. it was a photo shoot, where i got to do quite a few different things. i was laying on grass cubes, standing in front of a fence, and with “white-face” make-up on i was able to morph into a high fashion geisha.

 

it never surprises me how much fun i actually can have playing in front of the camera. my imagination runs crazy. as i was shooting all that was running through my head was was “domo arigato mr. roboto….”for say 2 1/2 hours…that was my wednesday.

and boy, was it a bitch to UN-tease my hair….

 

 

peace-

 

n.

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write….right.

well, let me first correct yesterdays blog. when i said it was “in the 90″s”….yah, about that…it actually got up to 103.

 

now for today-

i am starting to realize i have crazy bouts of energetic bursts. its almost as if my body cant keep up with how fast my brain is racing. im sure we all suffer from this from time to time.

im trying to be proactive when my shit snaps. i can feel it coming on. my breath starts to shallow, i start looking all over as to find something ive misplaced, however ive not misplaced a thing. i start scanning 10 steps ahead in my head all the way to the “what if’s”. 

 

what if i hurt my knee?

what if something goes wrong with my mama or daddy?

what if my relationships are endangered?

what if i get hit by a short yellow bus?

i am realizing that this happens about 2 times daily. (yes, i really do a lot of menial observing).

and what i am realizing is that i usually migrate to something that will soothe the case of the “if’s”. luckily, it hasnt been  crazy drugs or sex binges down highland and santa monica. (if you’re unfamiliar with hollywood, that will make no kind of sense, but go with it).

but my question for the day is-

why dont we, or i’ll speak for myself, why dont i have the feelings of sheer euphoria that overwhelm me twice daily? is there a way to rewire my brain or trade up, or something?

what if i rule the world?

what if i live exponentially blissful for all my lifetimes?

what if my character is remembered fondly by thousands?…

would this generally make my life more influenced in the direction of bliss? what  if i actually did have these thoughts to mull over verses the mired ones of earlier?

would i roam this world lighter and not as heavy? would it be considered a sort of adult onset delusion with a side of  cookoo? or would it simply keep a pleasant smile on my face?

i dont know, these are just my thoughts as of right now.

 

n.

late start…

so, 

how many commercials do we see just within a half an hour sitcom or watching a stint of the news that is related to some newly found disorder??? 

yesterday i saw a commercial on PAD (peripheral artery disease), and then one on “restless leg syndrome” wtf?? the PAD actually seems more legitimate that having a leg that wont sit still (a cure for that when i was a kid was a knock upside the head)-no meds needed.

but my point (there’s always a point)  is…

 

i literally get so depressed in the winter time. i hole up, i shut down, i feel like i can not function as an adult in our world most times. if its overcast i feel unsure. if its too windy? cant seem to take a risk. seriously. there is a name for this disorder.

SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER or (SAD) very fitting, right?!

 

well, i think it’s a crock of bullshit. or at least im choosing to not fall prey as another number in the statistic game of those out there that sign up to say theyre a victim.

but,

in the winter, my life virtually turns upside down. i cant get/stay warm, i dont want to see friends or make an effort, and i eat, boy do i eat.

but cut to today-its literally 92 degrees here in LA. Beads of sweat are scurrying down my back  as if to jockey for pole position as i type away in my apartment. and what?

i have a smile on my face. i couldnt be happier. i love the heat, the sun, the warmth. it makes me strong. it makes me alert. it makes me want to.

so back to my bullshit theory…

 

maybe i shouldnt take a pill or set up “light therapy” sessions, but there is something to be said for the way i feel in both seasons. literally, im like 2 different people. i dont have the answer or a theory for that matter. i am still just going to choose to not believe in such a disorder.

i think it was said poetically this way, “mama, you can choose the rain, but i choose the sun….thats all i need to free myself…”- Nikka Costa

 

anyway, just thought i’d share with you.

 

i also want to acknowledge all the lives affected by the Columbine tragedy. it is not forgotten. the loved ones taken and the ones survived will not be forgotten.  

 

peace-

 

n.

its friday, people…

so i woke up a little early today to “read” the news on my computer. Jesus, there’s some big shit poppin’, and its not all good. what the hell? Sunday school teacher murders a child (her own i believe), a mother attempting to kill her toddler, then stabbing herself to kill her unborn, the dow, S&P, blah blah blah….its enough for all of us to run down to the nearest doc and request really nice drugs! (do you see the pink elephants melting down the wall)…

 

BUT, there’s always a big butt…

it’s friday.

 

so if i can reverse any negative bull shit we’ve heard or witnessed or read about, im gonna try.

here goes-

 

have a beautiful weekend. do something randomly kind for a stranger wanting nothing in return. if its hard for you to smile, do it in spite of yourself. if you are quick to anger, slow it down. and breathe.

we are blessed.

 

n.

this very bizarre thing…

im reading a book and a topic is power.  something ive been thinking a lot about lately.

this author says that there should be no fear if power is grown alongside vulnerability. he states that the creator of yoga, Patanjali says to tread lightly around the area of power so that it will not be abused (Patanjali was fearful of the trouble power could cause if used wrongly). the author  also states that the fixable solution to that is to also be developing vulnurability. 

i find this very interesting as of late. we find ourselves in times of our lives feeling invincible, other times invisible. sometimes we are magnetic and alluring, other times mousy and quietly assessing. 

so for me, this is a quite graceful balance to attain- to continue developing my ability to remain vunerable, and allowing my power to be an unbridled force. 

i know this is a weird one today. the women im sure can get what im saying. even the men too, even though they dont want to admit that they too think of their power. 🙂

 

it seems to always come back to balance.

balance.

 

peace.

 

n

well, hello….

i have been out of pocket for a hot minute. i was so excited to wake up and talk to you. a lot about nothing, per usual, but ready to talk. lets see…what has happened in the time ive been away from my letter keys with you?

 

-big happs- my weirdo public view bathroom user neighbor put up a curtain! that was a small victory for me.

-i had a gyno appt. that’s alwayyyys fun.

-and i have pretty much been living under a rock.

-but in saying that, i have been productive in the midst of…

 

and as always, it is so therapeutic for me to write out loud my thoughts and little things. even when there is absolutely nothing ground breaking, it helps me get alllllll the crap out.

now, i have to work. did i mention i want a vacation? in this tax frenzied effed up economy…i want a vacay.

 

anyhoo-

happy humps.

 

n.

here we are at wednesday already…

so i went to texas over the weekend. my sister and i planned a surprise joined 60th birthday party for my ma and pa. 

i gotta say, it went off without a hitch, they loved it and it was so much fun. 

we ate mexican food, crawfish is in season, life down in the dirty couldnt be any sweeter.

 

im actually going home again in may so im going to thoroughly abuse the crawfish, molest it. the hotter the better.

 

now im back in LA. i gotta say i love this town, but cant help to feel my time with mama and daddy was too short this time. i already miss them like a kid going off to school for the first day. i know, i know,  im grown. but im still just a lil girl.

 

peace on hump day.

 

n.