a good egg…

ive said it before…

 

RACHEL BAYNE is a good fucking egg!

 

happy birthday to her!  

 

http://www.baynephotography.com

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feeling thankful…

i have to tell ya…i have had a rough time for the last couple of months. if you read any past posts, there was a birth control ish, lack of direction, anxiety, etc…

but as of late, ive been spending a lot of time reading and learning and absorbing…my brain has all of a sudden turned into a thirsty sponge…i cant seem to learn enough. i am now seeking. i think part of this shift is from me “cease-fighting” with the panic. 

i literally woke up one day and thought, “i refuse to put my body through this pain and toxic pressure, every time i feel panic…i will literally make myself feel the feeling and say the words ‘thankful’ and ‘gratitude’.”

 

just flip it.

 

the beauty in the  feeling  of panic is the gratitude that you will get through it…

 

and be all the stronger for it.

 

the universe is for us.

 

God, whatever that is to you, listens to our panicky bitches and moans even when we think we’ve been abandoned to our shitty apartment with pillows to drown our bellows…and absorb our punches…and the curtains that block the witness of a temper tantrum…

God is there…(s)he hears the little tears that slide down the cheek and smiles down because (s)he is eagerly waiting to help us stand back up and emerge with grace.

 

n.

self

i feel as if i am going through a metamorphosis.

i spent most of this year in inner turmoil. and unsure of the root of that turmoil. the only word i can think to describe what im trying to relay is “unpeace”. thats not a word im sure, but its the opposite of “peace”. 

 

we all have our daily battles and our life wars that we wage, but i have this year felt really unusually unsettled.

as the days go by, i am becoming more and more clear on myself most importantly, which in turn is allowing me to become more clear across the board.

i feel strong.

its amazing when we seem to lose ourselves-we seem to wake up one day, and realize we are on auto-pilot and barely can decipher if the choices we’ve made are bringing us closer to our happiness. and these arent even huge things im talking about for myself. these are small changes and tweaks that are making all the difference. and im thankful to have this feeling of waking my ass up a little. im reading a book right now that claims we all walk this world asleep, and for me its been true to a degree. my dad used to bark at me all the time, “pay attention!”- because why? partly because he was annoyed with me partly because im a space cadet. so im just paying more attention and tweaking things to bring me closer to my happiness.

theres a song i love and have listened to it for years…a line from it says,

“Stayed true to the things I knew when I was younger 
And food and love was all but left to hunger 
It’s when I stray from the truth as I grow older 
Too much leaves an empty hollow hunger …”

too much is too much.

its ever so COMPLICATEDLY SIMPLE… we need to just follow our bliss and  be aware of what that is and not cloud ourselves with all the excess bull shit. 

life’s too short, and  we should be smiling.  🙂

 

smile-

 

n.