do i want to talk about something important, orrrrrrrr not so much??

lets go with not so much…

im sitting at my fave spot drinking my 4th espresso shot for the day, staring at the gelato that sits before me…..gawd, how i wish i could just unleash the beast inside on the stuff, but im not so lucky.

im sitting here frustrated because i feel at a dead end in some of my avenues of “research”. i just dont have the mental brain power to plug through, so what do i do??? take a break to shoot the shit with you. that always makes me feel better. but im cracking on the coffee with nothing substantial to say. except, God bless all the families in Samoa. its a quick one today, but if something enlightens me, youll be the first to know.

smile on the inside-

n.

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so the day today in LA…

was first off, 95 degrees!

but my point of todays blog…

i am just curious to know why i get a surge of anxiety between say 2-5pm…what is that? everyday like clockwork, i know its coming, it comes and it surprises me every day still. ive talked before about my sometimes rather slow learning curve, but come on. i want an answer. I WANT TO KNOW WHY I FRET 2-5 PM DAILY?????!!! it doesnt matter if im crazy busy, or got some free time on my hands. anyway you slice the pie this rush of nervousness visits me.

if i took medication, id want pharmaceutical companies to make me an anti anxiety 2-5 pm pill….i probably wouldnt take it, but still research needs to be done. i hate this time of day.

is it a lull in my day?

is it when my brain gets bored therefore panicked?

is it a circadian rhythm issue?

is there panic that the work day is surely coming to a close and i need to be accomplished?

cant wrap my brain around this…

mayyyybe just mayyyyybe i need to supplement this time of day with a reward perhaps? ill have to decipher what that reward will be, but maybe a reward nonetheless. ill do a little “PAVLOV’S dogging” on myself. ill reward myself at this time or meditate or simply tell myself to chill the hell out, and by routine and conditioning maybe ill actually begin to enjoy and look forward to this time frame.

has it come to this that i am tricking myself like a household pet? i dont know. i would just really like to know some concrete feedback on this personal little phenomenon of mine.

its a short one today…

golden,

n.

i know….two posts in one day..i had to..

so a client of mine (thanks sarena) brought it to my attention that  TIME  magazine (a highly respected publication) actually published an article entitled “WHY EXERCISE WONT MAKE YOU THIN” by John Cloud.

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1914857,00.html

im not going to really spend a ghastly amount of time on this as it is completely ridiculous, however, what angers me is the idea that this writer creates for people. that exercise is actually at fault for obesity in our country.

he states that we actually eat more if we exercise more. yes, we use calories we need to replace with calories. not rocket science. hes talking about people who consciously  make the choice to eat donuts, or muffins or in regards to him a “blueberry bar” post work out. ummmm, still not rocket science…you will not lose weight if you replace calories burned with the same amount if not more calories post workout (especially high fat-calorie content foods). ok, lets take a donut- an original glazed from krispy kreme (i prefer shipley’s myself, although i havent had a donut in probably 10 yrs) according to findings on the web 200 calories, 22 grams of carbs, and 12 grams of fat. i believe this to be quite modest but we’ll go with it. he also mentioned eating french fries post workout. so lets check it…

Nutrition Facts

Serving Size: 7oz

Amount per Serving
  • Calories 610Calories from Fat 260
% Daily Value *
  • Total Fat 29g45%
  • Saturated Fat 5g25%
  • Cholesterol 0mg0%
  • Sodium 390mg16%
  • Total Carbohydrate 77g26%
  • Dietary Fiber 7g28%
  • Sugars 0g
  • Protein 9g18%
  • Vitamin C40%
  • Calcium2%
  • Iron8%
Est. Percent of Calories from:
Fat 42.8% Carbs 50.5%
Protein 5.9%

so…..yah. and i took the liberty to supersize considering fast food restaurants make it so worth our while to do just that. these stats are mind-blowing! and an actual attack was made on the playgrounds at fast-food restaurants  being the reason for overweight kids and not on the actual food being served. really, Cloud, really?  i retrieved this nutritional index off livestrong.com, thanks, lance for that.  he [Cloud] didnt offer a solution by switching these devilish choices with say, chicken breast rice and veggies, or a nice healthy lean low sodium sandwich (which are all tasty choices, mind you). a diet revision offer wasnt put on the table.

so im just going to leave this train of thought for a moment and be completely candid with you about my personal life.

almost everyone in my family is over-weight. and not just a few pounds here and there, but dangerously over-weight. i stay up at night thinking of ways i can con my parents into miraculously deciding to eat healthy. i will praise them for the choice of soy milk over dairy, and doing without the favorite fried-eggs and bacon breakfasts (this was my staple as a lass).

however, my dad’s got bad knees, high blood pressure, history of diabetes and heart disease on his side of the family. my mom has had gastric bypass, and has also had both hips replaced, and im unsure  of any other possible ailments. they are both over weight and their joints take on the brunt of carrying that weight.

obesity is a very sensitive subject for me to address. it actually pains me. i hope i can impress upon you how angering this article is for me. it lets unassuming, innocent people think that there’s a cop-out. if i didnt know any better i would think twice about showing up to the gym. why? its not gonna do me any good, right? WRONG. adhering to this article, people are being led to slaughter.

let me preface by saying this- i, in no way, feel that i am a “better” human being than my family members who are over-weight. if anything, i am continually trying to help and educate them the best way i can and feel i am failing miserably. but i am “pre-disposed” to be over-weight. if we were to go according to my familiar statistics i should be severely over my ideal weight. i am not. i make choices everyday to not have the super-sized french fries or the donut or the bag of chips, which all the fore-mentioned i could obliterate beautifully. i have known my way through an entire bag of chips. i am also no stranger to two whoppers two large fries in a sitting either. (wow, did i just really admit that). and i know that if i have french fries today, i will want them tomorrow and the next day. so i just cant do it.

if anything, i know my weaknesses. i know i have great potential to be addicted to food. food is a tricky bitch, it soothes physically, mentally and emotionally. i have had to do extensive training on my knee-jerk reaction with food. would i like to be one that says, “food isnt an issue for me, i can eat whatever i want”? yeah, but im not. do i enjoy myself? yes, im from the south, and people from the south know their way around a good meal. but have i had to make choices? hard choices as a life-style? yes! food and exercise are in that choice repetoire. this is that “will-power muscle” that he [Cloud] talks about that weakens with use…are you kidding me? did he really write that? in contrast, the more i flex my “will-power muscle” the stronger it gets (much like an actual muscle). why? because it fuels me to want to continue that winning streak, if you will. it boosts my confidence and self-esteem when i knowingly make a good choice for my own personal well-being. thus, i dont want to break that chain. do i make the choice to have heavy mexican food, or order dessert from time to time…yes. and then i try not to obsess about it because then that does no one any good. BALANCE is the point im trying to get to. people in my life know how much i love food, i would not live a life not enjoying myself. i do, but i do it gingerly.

we have an epidemic on our hands. from children to the elderly. he [Cloud] says that evolutionarily speaking, we as humans were not meant to exercise. who is this guy? just the words human and evolution evoke a visual for me of people running from predators, then turning to prey on those predators for food and clothing, women tasking over hot fires cooking, kids climbing trees, carrying water receptacles on their heads and shoulders…i could go on. that my friend, is exercise. the definition of “exercise” or several definitions for that matter, are as follows:

1 a : the act of bringing into play or realizing in action : b : the discharge of an official function or professional occupation  

2 a : regular or repeated use of a faculty or bodily organ b : bodily exertion for the sake of developing and maintaining physical fitness 

3 : something performed or practiced in order to develop, improve, or display a specific capability or skill
4 : a performance or activity having a strongly marked secondary or ulterior aspect

so, here we go.

1a: simply being active. hunting for food= being active 1b: official function or occupation= staying alive and keeping the family alive and safe was their main and most important job, EVOLUTIONARILY speaking

2a: regular use= climbing mountains, building huts 2b: bodily exertion for the sake of maintaining=ya, i doubt the heavy, sluggish, over weight guy escaped the panther…that wouldnt be “maintaining”.

3: something performed or practiced=  practicing the skill of staying alive (the performance of a lifetime, really)

4: activity or performance having a secondary aspect: well, lets see, the initial aspect would be staying alive and keeping your family alive and fed, the secondary aspect would be those really strong legs, arms and torso we see depicted in the primal artwork of the ages.

in my deduction to all of this is such…we dont have to scavenge for our food, we just go buy it or better yet have someone serve it to us for a small price. we dont have to run to escape anything unless you have an unfortunate stalker situation you dont care to mention. and we dont need to be able to outrun a cheetah, unless you live in LA where the cougars run wild. all this, the primary and secondary reasons for “exercise” have merely swapped places. we seek the look of what “worked” muscles give us- svelte and beautiful, strong. we crave to have an ass like a greek god(dess) and we want legs that look like a thoroughbreds. we dont need to have these aesthetics. but what we do need just like in primal times is to be active for survival. will we die tomorrow from not exercising? probably not.  but the sedentary life-style we have so severely adopted (and the symptoms birthed from it) in this country is killing us on a grand scale. this can not be ignored. and it affects every part of us- emotionally, mentally, physically. i doubt a cave-man had time to be depressed. his endorphins and adrenaline were probably so at a constant state of release that he didnt even have the chemical make-up to be depressed even if he wanted to be.

what im trying to say is this, exercise, take the stairs on occasion, and try to implement one better food choice a day and see if you dont make a difference. small steps. rome wasnt built in a day. just be aware of how you feel when you make that better choice. that can in turn be what it is that you crave. ill make the pact to do it with you.

come on people, exercise is so easy, “even a caveman can do it”…

sorry i had to.    :-/

if you get anything from this…just sweat, sex is included in that.

stay sharp-
n.

i am learning more…

about  “locus of control”.

this is the psychological term meaning what we believe to be responsible for our outcome . are we controlled by our internal locus of control or external? do we feel that it is up to ourselves to create our destiny or is it an outside force that deciphers our future. what do i believe?

well,

i am a dreamer, i always have been always will be. i hear voices….yah, im that person. i always thought a higher power had control of my future, fulfillment, and happiness. and the greater degree still believes so. but a really tough learning curve that im rounding is that i must take control. i float and wait for “the powers at be” to align crazy stars and planets then the heavens open up and wallah!!! my life begins happening. not entirely true.

ive always been an extremely hard worker. ive been baby sitting since i was 9 started working as a busboy in a mexican restaurant when i was 14-so the idea of “just being given something” is not part of my belief system. so, now that ive completely contradicted my first paragraph and confused the heck out of you-this is the fine line im creating in the sand…

i do believe that i have a very strong internal locus of control meaning: i control what will happen for me in the future according to my commitment and dedication and skill set. i also have a very developed and imaginative external locus of control where i think God and the universe does align for me my future. so you can see now the conflict in my head over whats true and right??!  my deduction is starting to be that i need to pull my head out of the clouds juuuuuuust a bit, have my faith where i have it, but also get my ass in the drivers seat fully. i’ll drive. and im gonna speed a little bit, why? because i can. this new initiative i want to take on will only propel the universe to catapult me into even more of the direction in which i put my energy.

internally i am a lover and a feeler and spirit. externally, im the driver taking no passengers. this is my ride, and i just so happen to love a car with power.

so, maybe your balance isnt so difficult to define. but if ive triggered you to think on it a bit, im glad to do just this. besides, i dont believe one is better than the other.

be sharp-

n.

uuuummmmmmmmm,

so just a quick one….a real time recap of the mtv-vma’s…..

holy shit!

the best awards show ive seen in a long time!!! im sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for the next best thing!

michael jackson tribute??? damn! ah-mazing! the best dancers ive ever seen. janet in sync with michael…beautiful.

gaga- hot hot hot!!!! sort of in love with her…

taylor swift…sweet girl.

muse…gah-reat!

beyonce………………………………ummm, speechless……………i cant.

i just hope jayz worships her ass…literally, worships that ass. shes flawless.

glad to see em back in the saddle winnin it…

pink…..good girl….shes beautiful!

im so blown away with the female performances tonight. such amazing performances!!! such an incredible line-up! i should be sleeping…but i have to watch…

jay-z alicia keys…..unreal.

and beyonce….good form, good form!!!  she just made houston soooo proud! way to be soooo graceful! unbelievable.

like her lucky dude says…..”you can pay for school, but you cant buy class.”

good night 😉

n.

OMG…

i cannot begin to tell you how freakin’ stoked i am to be sitting here writing to you. it’s been way too long…i feel like im meeting up with an old friend. this “writing” process is vital for me to smile i think. i dont care if 1 or none read….it’s a way of connecting to me and detaching from, well….me.

hmmmmmm, what im beginning to really connect to and be repulsed by simultaneously is FEAR. i am holding on to it as if its the last pair of shoes i like in my size and everyones fighting over them and i got them first. holding onto it for dear life! why?

because its comfortable

i am used to being fearful

if im confident then i cant commiserate with my friends

im fearful of my own greatness

im terrified of failing and looking a fool

fearful i could lose everything

fearful i could gain everything

fearful of losing myself (which is a worse option???? considering “myself” is a scared piece of shit right now)

fearful of encountering sadness

fearful of happiness

must i bore you and go on and on?

what are your fears? we all have them. we were reared to set fear into motion from a very early age-“dont jump down that/ dont climb that”, “dont say that, you’ll look bad”, “are you really going to wear that?”, “you want to dye your hair what color?!”…who REALLY cares? but then we find ourselves grown and completely removed from our true selves, our pure, essential, beautiful selves. and what’s replaced?- a cancerous fear that continues to erode our spirit. we’ve all heard the “fear is an illusion” bull shit but when your dosing fear like its a drug we cant process the truth in that…right? well, i am letting you all know that i am officially done feeling like im rolling over on my back to give into my fear. so what if i dance in the street? or what if i trip down the stairs? or what if no one tells me i have spinach in my teeth??? who really gives a flying f*%!…if i cant laugh at myself in this world and hit a dead end to find a new road to go and smile in that then wheres the pleasure??? there is none.

a few quotes that i like…..

“many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves-regret for the past and fear of the future.”-Fulton Oursler

“FEAR is an acronym for FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL”-Neale Donald Walsch

and one of my favorite quotes of all time…

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. we ask ourselves, ‘who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ actually, who are you NOT to be? you are a child of God. your playing small does not serve the world. there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine as children do. we were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us: it’s in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”– Marianne Williamson

i am off the soapbox, enjoy your weekend…(fearlessly), and i will do the same. 😉

n.-ps- nice chatting with you again.

pss-and dont forget to take a moment to remember love lost on this day. 😦