sitting by a fire …

im looking at a fire burning and im thinking and remembering how vital fire was “in the game”…everything revolved around if we could make fire or not. our survival depended on fire. if we had dry enough fire wood we could boil and purify our water. if we had fire, we could warm our bodies. if we had fire, we could dry our damp, stale, yet very necessary clothing.

fire.
fire.
fire.

and now as i look at this fire thats housed in a beautiful home, good music, and no torrential rain that could reduce me a grain of fear… and as i just gaze at it with a level of detachment now as opposed to before, i see the aesthetic beauty as opposed to its function, but cant help to think that i possibly need this fire more now than ever. i dont need the fire to make safe water, or fire for warmth. i need the fire to remain alive. i think we all need to have a fire, and keep that fire always burning strong. if we dont have fire our minutes turn into hours, hours into days, days into months, months into years…and we live life half dead, and unaware.

there is a dance with fire. it burns fervently then retreats a little and back to a smoldering vengeance. but it needs prodding and care-taking from its creator/benefactor.

such is life. we must be feeding our fire to burn and retreat with our winds of change and allow the winds of change to work with us and not against…

i dont know, thats it…

i was just sitting by a fire caught up in its rhythmic playfulness. and had a thought.

im done.

burn strong…

n.

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mmmmm, its been a few days since ive

reached out to you, and im glad to be here.

i missed you.

i dont have a plan, or a topic, or direct motivation…

but i do want to just sit with you here for a moment.

i want to say, that i am absorbing so much life around me. i feel like a sponge soaking in all the goodness. i literally feel like a faucet of light got turned on and no ones worried about conservation, and is letting it run over…and thats good for me. i like.

(did the analogy that i just gave with the sponge and faucet make anyone else want to clean their kitchen like me…) anyhoo…

im really trying to assess what my contribution is with my energy shift. am i more open? did i leave my standard, “hey asshole, dont fuck with me face at home?” am i learning that maybe people, all people, every person in all of existence maaaaay not be out to get me? i dont know what the hell, but its definitely been working for me.

ive been spending amazing, quality, learning, growing time…and im learning things. learning things about myself, about others, and i am grateful. and im growing, i can feel it.

maybe “my walk on the clouds” blogs as of late are going to become, if not already, so redundantly annoying that youll tune out, but for my sake i hope this is what i continue to speak on. beauty.
i mean, c’mon…im sure very soon ill let out the occasional bleep about my peeping tom neighbor…(hes about due for an episode). but for now im gonna sit in this preciousness.

i would like to say so much more but dont even know where to start. so ill quit while im ahead.

all my best-

n.

thanks for spending time with me.

mmmmm, good morning…

“I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand. henceforth will i apply all my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and i will strain my potential until it cries for mercy.”-og mandino.

about 12:45 yesterday afternoon, i was really starting to resent my “purpose” in getting my ass up a mountain.

clarifying: like a sheep led to slaughter, not feeling too confident in my ability to make educated decisions, i agreed to climb mt. san jacinto in palm springs/palm desert yesterday (elevation 10,834 feet). i had climbed pike’s peak in colorado (elevation 14,110 feet) in ’95, yah, you got it, 14 fucking years ago. i havent climbed since. i took some vintage merrel/ll bean shoes i bought for a potential halloween costume and that was the extent of my prepping.

so, smoothly calculated on the part of my friend, it was a casual, “hey, so u wanna climb a mountain? its not a big deal, really.” so, heres where the dumb sheep (me) enters. “yah, tooootally, its all good…”

hike starts 9:16a
all good.
water.
snacks.
electrolytes.

10:30a
ok, so…weve been doing this for a little over an hour.
“how much longer?”
“oh, a couple more hours…”
“hmmm, ok. hmmmmmm….” (you can actually hear my brain starting to grind a little…

lunch.
recharged.
back at it.

recharge wearing off.

ok, at this point, im really starting to think that this 15 pound albatross (backpack) im tugging around is a cruel joke that god is playing on me.

my friend suggested i could drop my pack and we could get it on the way down if i wanted. i said no.

again a little further, “do you wanna drop your pack? we’re not going to summit in time-we’ll have to stop and head back before sunset…”

shit. so now i have a decision to make. do i stay prideful and rob him of summitting because im selfishly sitting in my ego? im not one for shortcuts. its not even an option to drop the pack. he can carry his all the way; i can carry mine all the way. only option? for me to dig in and do it. period.

kept the pack.

climbing this mountain paralleled so much for me my survivor experience. as much as i wanted to bitch and moan, because thats what i do, it was pushing me. it was forcing me to “man-up” and go forth. same with survivor. i could have bitched and moaned for 37 solid days, but how could i when i was given such a gift to witness my own potential in that space and time? it was a gift.

the mountain was a gift to me.

second time ive seen or stepped on snow.

1:15 pm

im really thinking ok, do “i reaaaaally need to summit?” but i dont do things half ass. my egos really good for that. when my mind is playing devils advocate such as, “its not a big deal, youre tired, just the experience alone is great in itself, you dont have to summit…” thats when my very big ego shows up, comes in and says, “hey, bitch, get your winy-ass up to that summit and how dare you even consider stealing this experience from yourself!”

2:00-ish

summit.

with pack.

i did it.

i stood on the second highest point in southern california. quite a large, breath-taking vantage point i must say. no one can ever take that away from me. no one can steal that from me. its mine.

absorb the beauty.

congratulate myself.

thank my body for performing.

back down.

harder than the trek up.

knees bending and crying.

toes going on strike.

ass locked-up.

but…as much beauty is in the summit, i liked the burn of each individual step. head down, silence, one step at a time. nothing else. stop occasionally to appreciate what were doing it for…the view, but back quickly to one step at a time.

one step at a time, (as the quote says ‘apply all my efforts’)

and i got there. now if i could apply this philosophy in my life, small steps, one by one, thats it-i could be queen.
i will be reflecting on this ideal for a while, as it is a life-task for me.

everyday we have opportunities to make real our potential. but we overlook. and sometimes we need to be removed from the norm and forced into a completely different environment to become aware of our strength and character.

as the quote states, ‘i will strain my potential until it cries for mercy,’ yesterday i strained my body and i must attest, my toes were crying for mercy. but having strained my physical and mental self, today i feel strong. i feel solid. i feel achieved.

everyday, if we were to strain our potential until its literally begging for us to let up…after a week, or a month, or 5 years of that unwavering relentless push of potential…where would we be?

probably on the top of a mountain looking down at the bottom, where our seed of potential began.

thank god for my experience yesterday… 😉

n.

i told you…

i would feel better today, even though its a mere 5 am and i went to bed at midnight and woke every hour on the hour…

anyhoo-
just a quick word. i rode for 2 hours yesterday, cycling, that is.
one hour was in a class the other hour on my own. it was sooooo nice. i hadnt really cycled in a hot minute. but of course, as im in spin class with these new bikes w monitors on them, the teacher is trying to give a quick download on how to use them, im also texting and effing off (i cant just sit there, listen, and wait to begin).

but as his great musical choices begin with “high and dry” by radiohead, he now has my undivided attention. class-commences.

so we start off warming our legs up, do a couple of intervals, then a solid hill climb. then he wants us to sprint with our resistance up and run the hill, basically. and this is what he says,

“when we meet challenges, we must also greet recovery.”

wow.

such words from an aristotle-type on two wheels that go round and round, but shit its so true.

we are faced with challenges everyday; all day. some days more than others. and if we are healthy and strong, we are dedicated to pushing through those challenges be it physical, emotional, or spiritual. but if im speaking for myself, i tend to forget to greet and welcome the recovery time. just as if i push myself in a spin class and my hearts going to explode from my chest, i need then, when time-appropriate take a beat and let my body recover internally/externally.

same concept in life. i think a lot of times we push through a circumstance out of sheer survival and hit the ground running again. with no healing space. we dont allow ourselves to let the wound scab over. so, point being, be kind to yourself. if you are or have gone through something, be patient with yourself. welcome recovery. take a breath and chill. youll be all the better for it.

peace.

n.

so…

i feel like i wanna punch someone…any takers?

i wrote early early this morning…mmm, for probably and hour and a half, like i normally do. looked down at the keys, and hit a button by accident, and boom!-deleted it all. this was probably around 5:30-6:00 am….gone. so, this is how my day started.

a lot of people who i value their teachings always say you can shift the direction of where your mood is headed. well, i tried to shift, and did for the most part, but all day today little kinks, little kinks.

so, right now, im just trying to take a deep breath and calm the hell down. my technology isnt working, people are annoying the shit out of me, and i almost locked myself out of my place. i checked to see if mercury is in retrograde…no supposedly, but damn.

today is the day i would trip over my own two feet just cuz.

anyway, tomorrow i’ll be back to my non-annoyed self, but until then, will NOT be blogging so you are all safe.

just wanted to check in and say, “hey”. now i am going to go make a list of allllllll the things im grateful for. that will put my shit into perspective.

aaahhhhh, peace…..

n.

i am falling in love…

with blogging.

as much as i hope you get something out of it-its such a way for me to journal and start my day off in beautiful necessary catharsis. i am enjoying it because i am forcing myself to make time for it. i make time for clients, i make time for my workouts (like a religion), and i make time for the people i care for and i make time for my spirit. i also dedicate time to be a wild and crazy bitch. so heres an outlet in which i find benefit from doing.

i read this today, and if you have paid attention, somewhere along the way ive let you know how much i love HAFIZ (sufi poet). this is one of his writings:

“FAITHFUL LOVER”

The moon came to me last night
With a sweet question.

She said,

‘The sun has been my faithful lover
For millions of years.
Whenever I offer my body to him
Brilliant light pours from his heart.
Thousands then notice my happiness
And delight in pointing
Toward my beauty.
Hafiz,
Is it true that our destiny
Is to turn into light itself?’

And I replied,

‘Dear moon,
Now that your love is maturing,
We need to sit together
Close like this more often

So I might instruct you
How to become
Who you are.’

we are light, we are love, we are sitting in the path of our destiny. be amongst people who can point this out to you and help bring forth what is already in you.
you may not even know your greatness as you sit in it and offer up beauty to others around you. you may be clueless to the peace you bring into others lives, but i am here to say that you do.

stay gold-

n.

i feel alive in my chest…

its saturday morning…i know you guys probably read my blogs (during the work week) in a successful attempt to dodge work like a bullet heading for your forehead…but yes, its saturday, and i feel gooooooood.

maybe its the white-trash instant coffee, soy, stevia dope i make myself in the morning thats got me feeling so alive. or it could be the crazy workout i will endure at some point today. or the couple of appointments i have today. but whatever it is, i feel like i just shot a smooth quarter-filled low-ball of johnnie and its burning down my throat into my chest. i can feel the heat of its path and i feel alive. let me clarify, im not really drinking johnnie walker black at 9 in the morning, never have and can confidently say i never will…its an analogy, right?! saying and explaining that i feel alive. i am grateful. i feel blessed, and i feel protected.

i am not super-human on any level, and you all know this as i have been more than honestly transparent with you here in this informal forum. so you know when ive struggled. you guys know first hand from the horses mouth when im going through it. so to be fair i thought i would share with you in a time in which i feel that i am sitting in the palm of Gods hand. i didnt get a record deal, im not moving to spain tomorrow to open a villa and be a gypsy, im not all of a sudden independently wealthy. but what i have today is the awareness that when i told God that He needed to show the hell up for me He did. and has been every day since. i am gonna go out on a limb as well, and say that He was probably there the whole time, but the difference now is that i have shifted my perspective and actually want Him around. before, i can assure you i pushed Him out with simply no more seats in the theatre of my docu-drama called life.

please understand, i am not preaching from a pulpit. i simply dont do that shit. i care about you and how you are feeling. so if i can say one small thing that will turn up the corners of your mouth or give you a little hope that you dont have to fight your fight alone, this is my honor. like ive said before, youve read my trials, and you have known the shit i sit in. i simply want to connect with you and give back to you because we’re not always “all good” all the time, and that is ok. if youre going through it you can reflect on these words and know i am here for you. you guys have also been a support system for me and i want to give to you now. so next time im down, i know you will hold it for me. as for now, i can hold for you.

all my love-

n.