im sooooo in love….

ive been sick the last couple of days. so yesterday, i forced myself to stay home. to stay home in the middle of the day with bad soaps and divorce court and lawsuit advertisements is for me, the fast track for the need of an anti-depressant. stat.

but, i stumbled upon a little show….i’ve heard of it before, but i rarely watch tv, so new buzz of shows rarely blips on my radar.

DR. OZ…

i think its a brilliant format. i feel its very informative and easily understood by viewers, (dr. oz speaks in layman’s terms) and can essentially be very helpful and a mainstream vehicle for preventative maintenance.

and for me as a trainer and someone who’s life revolves around health, nutrition, supplementation, exercise, and dis-ease, this show is like an adult amusement park for me. and i live in the city of (supposed) beautiful people bearing the face of health. so, for people that live in my hometown or omaha, nebraska or lansing, michigan-its a great tool for lifestyle guidelines because these places dont really lend themselves to having this information readily available to them as we do here in california. here in cali we are fortunate to know of the latest green herb for speeding the metabolism, or the anti-aging properties in resveratrol. but not so quickly available in middle america. thats why i think this show is a godsend. of course, things have to be viewed with a grain of salt, and watching dr. oz certainly does not take the place of regularly monitoring your own health with a family md. but, as dr. oz says, “a good patient is a smart patient.” and i feel that this show can educate us as it is simultaneously entertaining us. its like the “speak and spell” of the adult world. this show tricks you into enjoying learning. 🙂 and if youre anything like me, you need bells, whistles, and pictures with bright colors to be manipulated into retaining valuable information. 🙂

i just wanted to share my latest newfound addiction. at least its a positive one…

happy friday-

peace.

n.

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if you know me at all…

you know i love my SUFI poets…hafiz and rumi…

this contribution is from rumi.

“everything in the universe is within you. ask all from yourself.”

damn.

that’s pretty truthfully hardcore. im reading a lot on energies and how its all here within us and at our reach. we just have to manifest it. we can all have the best, most optimal existence of affluence, love, health, and beauty, we just need to exercise the asking and working of it. we are all able to have.

everything is within us.

we or i’ll say, “I” search for things externally to make me happy. money, love, relationships, clothes, a nice car…the list goes on and on…but i already have it all inside. i just need to learn how to access it. quiet myself and dig within and the little nuggets of gold are in there somewhere.

i know that when i go on a bananas shopping spree, or do little errands to occupy my time, or eat like a side-show freak show, i know i am trying to fill a void. there’s a hole leaking my happiness out somewhere. the best thing that ive learned to do is to take a beat and try to refocus. because truthfully, i dont even like shopping, mind-numbing errands make me nuts, and i regret eating food i didnt want in the first place. so, i just need to pause and sit in silence. sit in that panic and reassess some things. and ive gotten so much better with controlling my instant need to fill those voids.

its all inside us. that means the power we need to access in our lives the things we want is inside. its up to us to call it forth.

so next time you want your dude or your chick to provide you your happiness, think again. or when you think that cupcake from sprinkles is gonna change your life…take a beat…(and trust, im not preaching from a mountain down to you…im constantly looking for people to serve my happiness or chocolate to turn my frown upside down…).

pull it from inside.

and thats for you to figure out what that is.

peace-

n.

i went out…

last night in hollywood, begrudgingly… it always seems a good idea on wednesday to say , “hey, lets go out on saturday.” by the time saturday rolls around, i dont feel like sharing my time with with the general hollywood public. buuuuuut i went with friends, met up with friends, made friends, and had my usual johnnie. it was relatively fun and drama free.

and now its sunday, and its raining. perfection. my home is clean, my belly is fed, my heart is full, and i have to say that i am happy…and thank god, not hung over.

last night before i went out with the girls, i had a nice candlelit dinner in. i was sharing my dinner, and it was said, “we are in a nice home, able to feed our bellies, with love next to us and in us, clothes on our backs, and smiles on our face…this is living successfully.” and its true. as i am not financially where i want to be…yet…but, i have love in my heart, shelter over my head, a ton of love around me, and im happy. should this not be the gauge of what success is? the material extras will come. and right now i can be happy as i am, and trust my abilities and strength will get me to my hearts desire (whatever that may be, i have a few…). but for now it is all good.

so, then i proceed to go out with friends. had a great time. then back home to my cocoon of safety. stay up talking til 4am…life is just fucking good, im sorry, it is. i dont have a point to this blog. im just thankful for the people in my life that i love and the people that love me.

so if you wanna throw up in your mouth right now because im pissing roses, and life’s not so great for you right now-just know the tides will turn. at some point, you’ll be on top of your world, whatever that means for you. and then i may need your encouragement to look at the positive as it will be hard for me to see the forest for the trees. remember back to this moment when you were down, and know i am here for encouragement and reflection. i will need your help one day, and i am sure you will be here to give it. in all things have gratitude.

this was a cheesy, and relatively short and pointless post, but nonetheless, something i wanted to say, and this is my space so i can say it. haha.

happy sabbath, and beautiful week ahead…if you think this post is bad wait until i start reciting neal diamond lyrics and breaking them down via type…haha

peace.

n.

its funny…

the human condition. we are human and all have a broad scope of similarities. however, so many variables decipher how we process, handle, and maneuver different occurrences.

love.

if you are raised in a loving home and are witness to a discipline of respect, honor, honesty, and trust-you will most likely carry those things with you in life. or at least know how to call upon them in times of need. on the other hand, if you grew up in a home of yelling, anger, rage, and no communication, you will too, most likely carry those things with you throughout life. and these things will be your silver bullets in a 6-gun for a seamless, successful quick-draw.

fear.

some children are taught to be fearless. some children are taught to question the motive of everything in their peripheral. how will we process as we grow? will we be able to sludge through fear fairly tirelessly, or will overcoming fear and looking it in the face literally bring us to our knees as we greet our demons?

in my opinion, i cant experience love if fear is present. i cant live in fear when love is in my heart. the two cannot co-exist. i want to experience love. i want to give and receive love.

on so many levels our ego (a mechanism to protect; meaning a level of harm and fear is engaged) is so over-developed, and nothing can penetrate. this entity (ego) makes itself known in every facet of our lives unless we control when it is and is not welcome. the ego is always poised to make a grand entrance. this could be in friendships, relationships, the bagger at the grocery store who pissed you off, or you simply fighting yourself and your own insecurities. its a bitch. but i was reading this morning and Stuart Wilde says, “…As you pass people on the street, look them in the eye and silently say, ‘love,’ and press that love into their hearts. do that to everyone without fail, and gradually you’ll develop a resounding sense of unconditional acceptance. that’s the best protection.” in essence thats your best protection against your asshole ego that is always wanting to come out and play. the ego is like your next door neighbor that would come over everyday to play unannounced, uninvited and at the most inopportune times, and never got the clue that you were a lot less than thrilled to see them. that is the ego. this has been my ego as of late, i feel, to a degree. we all suffer from the annoying neighbor from time to time.

enough about ego (fear) and more on love.

i want to implement that practice, as hokey as it may seem, to really give love to each one who passes by me. our energies are all connected anyway, so if im passing love along it will make its way back to me in some form or another. and again, in giving love, fear cannot be.

a few words to live by…damn, and its not an easy mandate…we are humans with our flaws and scars…

1 corinthians 13:1-8 (the living bible)

“if i had the gift of speaking in other languages without learning them, and could speak in every language there is in all of heaven and earth, but didnt love others, i would only be making noise. if i had the gift of prophecy and knew what was going to happen in the future, knew everything about everything, but didnt love others, what good would it do? even if i had the gift of faith so that i could speak to a mountain and make it move, i would still be worth nothing at all without love. if i gave everything i have to the poor, and if i were burned alive for preaching the gospel but didnt love others, it would be of no value whatever.

LOVE IS PATIENT AND KIND (ok)
NEVER JEALOUS OR ENVIOUS (yup)
NEVER BOASTFUL OR PROUD (huh?)
NEVER HAUGHTY OR SELFISH OR RUDE (ummm,)
LOVE DOES NOT DEMAND ITS OWN WAY (wait, what?)
IT IS NOT IRRITABLE OR TOUCHY (hmmm, problem)
IT DOES NOT HOLD GRUDGES AND HARDLY EVEN NOTICES WHEN OTHERS DO IT WRONG (yah, about that….)
IT IS NEVER GLAD ABOUT INJUSTICE
BUT REJOICES WHEN TRUTH WINS OUT (wait, revenge tastes so sweet!)
IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE YOU WILL BE LOYAL TO THEM NO MATTER WHAT THE COST-YOU WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE IN THEM-ALWAYS EXPECT THE BEST OF THEM-AND ALWAYS STAND YOUR GROUND WHEN DEFENDING THEM. (snap!)
all the special gifts and powers from God will someday come to an end, but LOVE GOES ON FOREVER.”

damn, that is some bonnie and clyde kind of shit. that means no birdie shots during road rage. not getting to demand my own way? youre joking, right??

this is love.
we are made of love.
we are made of love and have developed ego.

which will you choose today?

all my *love*

n.

please give love to the haitians. they need it and we can give it.

peace.

creativity

“Creativity is a food, and people who are not creative rarely grow-because they are starved.

we come close to God only when we create. if God is the creator, then to be creative is the way to participate in God’s being. we cannot create the universe, but we can create a small painting-we can create small things. and it does not make any difference if you create a big thing or a small thing. creativity knows no difference.

so creativity is not concerned with quantity, it is concerned with quality. and it has nothing to do with what others say about your creations-that is irrelevant. if you enjoyed doing your work, that’s enough; you have already been paid for it.”

i was always shy as a kid putting any of my works out there for other people to see. my teachers and family and mentors used to always say that we do the world a disservice if we are not putting our gifts and creations out there. we are simply sharing that creative moment that we have with God. its like we get to have play time with God and be God for a little bit.
i find that it is true, if im not exhausting my creative outlets, i feel starved, anxious, panicked and lacking. none of those things are of God. so i want to share God’s greatness, i want to be God, so i must create. my chest opens up, the sun comes out a little, i feel warm, and i can breathe again.

so if you can look past all my crazy metaphysical-psycho-babble, and actually hear what im saying, you will open up a little bit by creating. if the God speak doesnt work for you, totally fine. look at it this way…

we are all creative beings by nature. we all have a creative spirit. we do. so if you are feeling frustrated, or scattered, or out of sorts, STOP. stop what you are doing and go back to when you were 3 years old if you have to. pull out a coloring book with colors (i do it, and am not sorry about it). rearrange your sock drawer. implement a new incoming/outgoing box for your bills. change the character you normally use when playing wii or xbox…something. create your world a little bit. recharge, re-light, change, and in doing so, you become a little god-like, and there’s nothing ever wrong with that.

peace-

n.

im in a space so you will probably….

be getting 2 posts from me today …

you all know how i love, follow, and adhere to the words of OSHO…two topics on him today.
“fantasy”

fantasy can only do one thing: it can either create hell or it can create heaven. fantasy is very consistent; it cannot create the paradox.

fantasy is very logical and reality is very illogical. so whenever reality erupts, it will have both the polarities in it-that is one of the criteria of reality. if it has not both polarities together, then it is a mind construction.

the mind plays safe and always creates a consistent thing. life itself is very inconsistent and contradictory-it has to be, it exists through contradiction. life exists through death, so whenever you are really alive you will feel death too. any moment of great life will also be a great moment of death. any moment of great happiness will also be a great moment of sadness. this has to be so.

so let this be remembered always: whenever you have a contradictory experience-two things that dont fit together, they are diametrically opposite to each other-they must be real; you could not have imagined them. imagination is never so illogical.”

reality is quite harsh at times. our fantasy or our mind, like he says creates safe, consistent spaces. this is our ability to make believe. reality on the other hand, doesnt care our state or ability and we have to adapt accordingly. i believe we do this through our ability to create fantasy.

as a kid i was so imaginative. almost to a point where i would zone out. i do this even still. i like to put myself in a safe space usually in my home alone, such as now, and piddle around in my own thoughts. im learning and falling in love with sharing my “safe spaces” and times of imagination with you, actually. so you are sitting with me now in this space and are a voyeur into my cocoon. and i welcome you.

but back to my point. ive always lived life knowing that in my times of elation would come the devastation. in my times of heartache, the crack of light would then eventually seep through. as OSHO says, this is reality. so, having this knowledge, knowing the times in which im floating and kissing the sky; i am also aware that while i float one of my shoes will eventually fall off and drop. so do i premeditate the outcome or adapt to what is reality?

as i try to perfect life’s evenflow am i not living in full reality because i am fighting and avoiding the polarities like a plague that are inevitable? so, am i gracefully adapting to my reality or am i living life out of fear and trying to create an unrealistic balance that eats away at my imagination and happiness like a cancer? i dont know, maybe you can school me…its one of the many deltas in my large journey to attained enlightenment…good luck to me, right?? !

haha…

peace to you-

n.

so im sitting…

on my computer like a dude with no shirt on, jeans unbuttoned and attempting to type away…i know i was male in one of my lifes before this one…haha. im just so rushed that i felt the need to stop everything right this second and “do words” …any words. if i dont connect with myself this way i go a little bananas, hence the STOP! WRITE! ANYTHING! JUST WRITE!

i met up with Coach today (he’s from Survivor, if non-Survivor viewers read this blog)… he truly is such a beautiful spirit…i always leave from him uplifted and inspired. hes what i call a “good egg.”

and it brings me to this point…i have a party to go to, so i cant elaborate a lot in this blog, but will definitely expand on this topic in the future…”HOW MANY FACES DO WE HAVE?”

on TV (especially reality TV) we are perceived as a particular character which is true to our nature-at least one side anyway. but how many faces or masks or layers do we actually have? people have perceived me as a raging bitch, and that i have, in fact been. Coach has been perceived as an ego-maniac and im sure if that side of him takes over he can be just that. but there are so many other elements to our characters in life and occurrences that pull forth or bring out masks and faces of our essence. these masks can range from sometimes ugly, and sometimes blindingly brilliant and beautiful. i hope i show a more beautiful mask rather than the other. just got me to thinking today…

Coach showed me his refreshing, joyful mask today.

peace-

n.