adam lambert was watching my life…

and decided to sing this song…i should be singing…

“Hey, slow it down whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah I’m afraid whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

There might have been a time
When I would give myself away
Oooh once upon a time I didn’t give a damn
But now, here we are so whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just don’t give up I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Yeah, it’s plain to see
that baby you’re beautiful
And there’s nothing wrong with you

It’s me, I’m a freak
but thanks for lovin’ me
Cause you’re doing it perfectly

Yeah, there might have been a time
When I would let you slip away
I wouldn’t even try
But I think you could save my life

Just don’t give up I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep comin around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just don’t give up on me
I won’t let you down
No, I won’t let you down

just don’t give up
I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me

Just don’t give up I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in, i won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
whataya want from me
whataya want from me”

yah, that pretty much sums up my life and how i feel. sometimes i feel like im yelling in my head. with nothing but an angry silence that succeeds, “what do you want from me?!” is it the pressures of LA? is it the bullshit Hollywood way that gets on my last fucking nerve but then i turn around and snap, im hollywood. ive become what repulses me?

is it life to feel this way? whether you live in los angeles or bangladesh or wisconsin does everyone feel like i do? “what do you want from me?” i feel like im tugged at in a million different directions by a million different things/people/stresses/my own head, and i know its me. i want to escape. i blame it on the inability to be trapped and land-locked for an extended period of time. i did so much global traveling when i was younger i blame my day dreaming to foreign lands to this being a habitual conditioning of mine. like as if i have to have it to remain sane. but it is just an escape. there was a 2 month period of time when i had no phone, no computer, facebook, myspace, twitter, tv, and i was much more at peace. i came back from having been removed from it, and actually was quite annoyed by it and put off phone calls and all the portals of technological communications for as long as i could get away with it. it was just way too overwhelming. i felt like i was now again accessible to everything and everyone. when i didnt have those outlets to be distracted by, i became clear on my life. goals, thoughts, people in my world, and how i would strike my next move.

let me midway warn that this blog will probably end up without a focal point and go on like a really bad run-on sentence. but i havent blogged in a while and i have a lot to get out….so there.

“There might have been a time
When I would give myself away
Oooh once upon a time I didn’t give a damn
But now, here we are so whataya want from me?”

i feel like im making up for lost time and time i will never regain. i gave myself away and i also took. im trying to preserve myself, my love, my energy and my thoughts a little more these days without growing closed off and unreachable. wow, that is quite a juggling act. but i feel like to be successful in life one must know this balance. god, its rough.

“Just don’t give up I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me?”

all the people in my life i share with them my struggle my successes and my loves and fears. and so far, knock on wood, they havent given up on me. even more importantly, i havent given up on myself. i realize that there are hurts and bumps in the road that have messed me up and i need a second to breathe. its like the wind gets knocked out of my chest. but i need to keep showing up for myself, and i hope the people that i love keep comin around.

Yeah, it’s plain to see
that baby you’re beautiful
And there’s nothing wrong with you

It’s me, I’m a freak
but thanks for lovin’ me
Cause you’re doing it perfectly

i have to say, there is nothing more challenging than to have people in my life that love me and arent afraid to call me out on my shit. i feel like im getting called out on my disfunction on the daily, and it lingers like a bruise. it’s me; im a freak. im forced to look in the mirror and make a choice. i either make the choice to grow from the ugly i see in the mirror or i can ignore it and not have to change a thing. the good thing is, if i work on the ugly and try to fix it, i could possibly have a better and more fulfilling life. if i choose to not change a thing its much easier, but my life wont change for the better. it will remain the same. so a shout out to those who love me, thank you for your tough love. your accountability. your patience. your gentleness. and a superhuman understanding of how mean and frightened i can actually be. youre doing it perfectly.

so this post is all over the place. from hating the facebook ive grown addicted to, all the way to adam lambert and reciting his song for you as if the lyrics arent self explanatory enough. but i hope that this feeling will pass. i hope that it can just be blamed on a bad nights sleep, or the temperamental weather that cant decide what it wants to do, and that annoys me. but none the less, this just happens to be where im at right this moment. and i have to get it out of me. so thanks for the bitch/reflection session.

peace (its somewhere, i just know it)-

n.

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im on a wild quest…

so what the hell is new, right?!

well, i heard of a reiki healer here thats amazing (and if you know not what reiki is here’s the definition).

***Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by “laying on hands” and is based on the idea that an unseen “life force energy” flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one’s “life force energy” is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy.

The word Reiki is made of two Japanese words – Rei which means “God’s Wisdom or the Higher Power” and Ki which is “life force energy”. So Reiki is actually “spiritually guided life force energy.”***

so, that being said, a reiki healer came to my home and spent 3 hours with me. holy shit! i have a lot of work to be done on me hahaha! 😦 but i have to say, it was amazing! and she seemed to hit the nail on the head with so many intuitive things she was pointing out in my life that are in fact realities in my world currently. i was blown away with her exact assessment of my thoughts, life, and feelings that are going on inside, outside, and around me. UNBELIEVABLE, really. im having my 2nd session this weekend, and i cant wait for it. ill keep you all posted, and as open as i am to crazy metaphysical mumbo jumbo, this freaked me out that she was so right on. whoa. its a gift we all possess, but some are just more disciplined in their practice than others. she is truly gifted.

ok, til next time.

n.

well, its about that time…

i have to say, i must be so cynical and jaded…because if i see any more carnation pink and red anything, im going to throw up.

im not into valentines day, i gotta say.

i might be a hypocrite, because plans have been made for me and im excited about them, but the heart-shaped chocolates and bundle of flowers that wouldve probably appreciated not being cut in excess, never really appealed to me. im just saying i was never the girl that wanted/needed that stuff on valentines day…(my mom did send me chocolate covered strawberries in the mail…im not complaining….again, hypocrite) 🙂 but the point im trying to make…LOVE EVERYDAY. show gratitude everyday. practice patience everyday. this is this years theme for me im starting to think. in my ways of loving, learning, and showing patience and the ability to forgive and let go are the things that will challenge me this year…its my thesis, if you will. its hard as hell. its much easier to surround yourself with people who dont challenge your patience or dont awaken your fear to fully love, but i hope to see growth through it, under it, and at the end of it if that ever comes. so love fully open your heart even if for a day. open it to a stranger. you never know what that strangers life entails. maybe a small smile and acknowledgment will boost their spirit indefinitely. and maybe if tomorrow you are out and about practice love as you ask someone how they are. truly feel and mean to hear the answer to the question you are asking. im going to try this, as we all know this is my challenge in life to OPEN….tomorrow i will practice openness. and as i go see the valentine’s day movie…i will fully love bradley cooper, taylor swift, and ashton….. with all of my open heart 🙂

enjoy your day of loooooooooooove…….

n.

i’ve got a little time…

i’ve been sitting in front of this screen for a majority of the day…i go from one thing to the next to the next…now, im just rambling a whole lotta nothingness.

so, yesterday, i came home from the gym, and obviously wanted to take a bath (im a bath girl) and get to the rest of my day…i look through my bathroom window, and there is a maintenance guy messing with the windows from a ladder. hmmmmm, frosted glass….nude….exposed…..buuut frosted glass so its ok….i think……so i got into the bath and got out of the bath with a rather speedy urgency. i had to pee, but thought better of it to go to my other bathroom. :/ got dressed in a different room and was off…

this morning i wake up sleepy eyed, rolling around my eyes in my head and my lazy body under the covers…i force myself to wrap my brain around actually starting the day. first step actually having to sit up in bed. i pop up, grab my phone (thats like breathing to me), look around to familiarize myself with the truth that i am in fact in my own house. then, boom…i look through my opened window with curtains pulled to the side and smiling at me from underneath his moustache is…yes, mystery maintenance man greeting me like a rooster on a fence witnessing my rising. WOW! my first thought was not, “danger!”, or “peeping tom!” or “where am i?”, actually…my first thought was, “oh God! i hope i look ok! i hope he’s not judging the mussed up hair, really bad t-shirt and highschool gym shorts, and not to mention possible dried drool stuck to my face enhancing the pillow marks on my hot puffy face!!!” those were the rush of thoughts as i saw the little ladder man scraping away at my window early this morning.

i thought maintenance wasnt supposed to legally start until after 8 am????….hmmm, that was the start to my tuesday….

peace-

n.

chain reaction…

back at it…you know me and my love affair with OSHO.

here goes:

“all things happen together.

when you feel less guilty, you immediately start feeling happier. when you feel more happy, you feel less in conflict, more harmonious-together. when you feel together, more harmonious, suddenly you feel a certain grace surrounding you. these things function like a chain reaction: one starts the other, the other starts another, and they go on spreading.

feeling less guilty is important. the whole of humanity has been made to feel guilty-centuries of conditioning, of being told to do this or not do that.

everybody has been fooled into doing things that society wants them to do, and not to do the things society does not want them to do. nobody has bothered about whether this is your thing or not. nobody has bothered about the individual.

move into a new light, into a new consciousness, where you can un-guilt yourself. and then many more things will follow.” -OSHO

this is my dilemma in life. i feel guilty about EVERYTHING. i grew up in a very structured home as far as manners, and respect and bars to exceed. all these things are great, make no mistake. but also, intertwined in all that was a huge level of religious guilt. and im not bashing organized religion, im just speaking on things that could be tweaked a little in my opinion. (for those of you who didnt grow up in church maybe you cant relate. but perhaps you had a parent in the military that demanded you be a certain way, and if you werent the guilt set in.) i dont know im just trying to create a relation…

i feel like society, or at least in the western world, is structured on guilt and fear. and maybe thats all one in the same at the end of the day. maybe guilt is the fear of missing the mark. maybe one begets the other. i dont know, but i would venture to say that the majority of us is driven by fear, then driven by the avoidance of guilt. we hate to feel guilty. its such a wasted emotion.

this is bringing me to a point. i always worry about other people. cater to other people. i grew up with the verse, “the first shall be last and the last shall be first…” for so long its been such a mind-fu@$ for me. and thats usually how i live my life. i do believe in putting people first, but not to an unhealthy level in which i go without and risk getting walked on. we also heard growing up, “suffer for Jesus…” are you kidding me? the more i suffer the better human i am??? its so ass-backwards. if we are living good lives and being good people and thinking outside the box, being visionaries, and striving to greatness, dont we deserve just that? is it not when we take leaps of faith to go beyond ourselves that thats where the universe would reward us and catapult us into greatness? not the opposite! and as much as i revere many things that the Bible offers as far as teachings are concerned…maybe i’ve taken this saying too far at my own detriment, and thats on me. maybe by being the last, it is now time for me to be first….GUILT FREE. being unconcerned with what others will say, think or feel. i do most things in my life to be a positive person in my experiences with others. so, i say all that not for a hall pass to now be a cock-guilt free. NO. but, its ok to self-preserve. its ok to put yourself first. there should be no guilt in that. if i want to do something, i can do it. if i feel organically driven to do something, do it and dont second guess it. if something no longer serves me to my betterment, i can clip it, and move on. if i have a habit that makes me live below my potential-drop it, guilt-free. free of the perceptions of others, free of heaviness.

society has us by the balls because we are all controlled by fear and guilt. the small percentage of people in this world who operate guilt-free, fear-free life-styles are the small percentage of the people who are literally changing the world. thats the circle i want to be in. i know i need to drop all pre-conceived notions of how doing for me will be a negative thing. it wont be. i will organically be living through my heart, and as i do that, fear and guilt are not present. i will be living out of my higher self. and dammit, thats hard to do day-in and day-out but i think im willing to try and get my feet a little wet with it…and, lucky for me, i have people around me who support me in this leap of living a fearless life and im thankful for them, i truly am.

and as a friend told me today in regards to something that i need to explore, she said, “you better show up!” yup, show up for me and no one else. with no fear and no guilt. wow, call me on my shit and i’m forced to reflect…….

this was aaaaaaaaalllllllllll over the place i hope it makes some kind of sense somewhere.

happy monday!

congrats n’awlins.

peace.

-n.

uuuuuugh, ive

been away for a while and unsure still of what to say…to you, or to myself or another from my heart.

its quite a sobering moment when you realize that you have some unhealthy, negative, toxic patterns that are either innate or conditionally acquired. ( i half-way believe in innate traits, as half of me believes we are all created perfect-the other half believes we are intelligent and created with our strengths and spirit and opinions before we’re even birthed).

tori amos says it very well.

“Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Got a kick for a dog
Beggin’ for Love
I gotta have my suffering
So that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You’re just an empty cage girl
If you kill the bird…
I’ve been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start
my own religion…”

i find that i crucify myself quite a bit. “nothing i do is good enough for you” thats being said from me to me.

“got a kick for a dog beggin for love…” i feel i am the first one to take myself out at the knees. why is that? there’s nothing that anyone can “say” or do to me to make me feel less than unless those feelings are presented as my truth to begin with. what do i feel about myself? how do i see myself?

“gotta have my suffering so that i can have my cross…”- i love at times, when im not healthy, to be the victim with a big ass cross on my back. god, its like an appendage that i cant remove at times. my cross is like an arm that cannot be removed because i just wouldnt have it. its gotta be there. its comfortable in my misery…right?

“..youre just an empty cage girl, if you kill the bird…”-i always preach that i am free as a bird, and cannot be caged. i flutter around like a hummingbird and my wings cannot be broken. however, i take no hesitation in smothering the bird in the cage myself. im quick to strangle and break my own spirit. then im just left with my empty, hollow cage, and thats not pretty or fun…for anyone.

what is it that keeps me in this place of self-judgment? are we all the same? part of me wants comfort and company knowing im not the only one that feels this way from time to time. the other part of me hopes all is well with everyone else all of the time…

to borrow a little dave matthews…

“Some devil is stuck inside of me
Why can’t I set it free
I wish, I wish I was dead and you were breathing
Just so that you could know
Some angel is stuck inside of me
But can I set you free?”

i mean its pretty self explanatory…we all have deamons stuck inside us and unless we force them to the light we are destined to live a sub-par life by not living in the divine potential that is truly our birthright. and i do believe that as saccharin sweet as that sounds. and we all have our angels within us, as well. its just up to us to decide which one to feature.

there’s an old cherokee tale that my mom told me a long time ago.

” One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all.One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.’
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: ‘Which wolf wins?’
The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’”

one of my wolves im trying to take down (and right about now it looks like the evil relentless black panther-dog thing in AVATAR) yes, that scary…
my battle right now…accepting love. i dont know if i feel worthy of a healthy love. or if they find out that im really not that cool, they’ll lose interest…this goes for my “love” relationships, friendships, and any soul connection i make with someone that gains value that i then can fear losing.

anyway, just reallllllly being open with you all, as i know it will resonate with someone and that makes me grateful. i hope my journey as bumpy and road-forked as it is, as i share it with you, i hope it offers something to you. either thoughts and insights to ponder, or simply what NOT to do… 😉

“the one you feed……………”

peace to you all-

n.