i should always put my best face

forward, right?

well, whatever. if youve been to my blog, you already know ive exposed a lot of my ugly.

well, a couple of things:

1) im an in the closet alanis morrisette fan, and as of late been playing the hell out of her albums “under rug swept” and “supposed former infatuation junkie”.

2) and you may know ive been talking a lot about ego.

she is so spot on with a lot of her songs that ive had in my possession for years. ive had these albums forever, liked them to a degree, but nothing too mind-blowing until lately. the words are literally jumping through my ipod to my ears as i catch the beat on my rides or runs.

i am also reading a book called “a course in miracles”. in layman’s terms i would describe it as a practical parallel to the Bible that we can actually use in this day and age and have it make sense. its quite a distinguished piece of work i must say.

this work is quite earth-shaking because it talks about how we are created in God’s image and therefore we are not separate from God. we are in essence God. now, i reaaaaally like this idea. im gonna go ahead and say, “i’ll take it”. but, (there’s always a big but, well, hopefully not if you eat right and exercise, anyway)-the thing that makes us feel separate from God (or universe whatever feels right for you) is EGO. this little bugger came into existence to make us feel as if we are less than our true essence which is God-like. ego is our separation from the divine. ive heard it said before that ego is “(E)dging (G)od (O)ut”. this is the one little pest that truly affects our daily life. nothing else causes so much turmoil. and i say confidently, nothing else. so, as im reading this book that is of Biblical proportions (its huge), im beginning to break a lot of stuff down. cut to….

this song i re-stumbled upon.

Oh these little REJECTIONS how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could

Oh these little REJECTIONS how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I’m all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I’m 13 again am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little PROJECTIONS how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I’m deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I’m devastated

When will I stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little PROJECTIONS how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little REJECTIONS how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me

the ego causes so much chaos in a flash of a moment. a sideways look gets in our head. we give people the power to make us feel less than. we put up defenses and projections just in case we are going to potentially be screwed over…just in case…how’s it really working for us? well, i can let you know that its not working out so great for me. “Oh these little PROJECTIONS how they fail to serve me, oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me”…

bottom line, the ego is a little scrapper, it likes to brawl and fight for its position to remain. hence her lyrics, “I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful, so unloved for someone so fine, I can feel so boring for someone so interesting, so ignorant for someone of sound mind…”. its so skilled at playing this jedi mind trick on us. we get defensive because of the actions of someone else. or we flair up over something someone says, or even funnier, the POTENTIAL that someone or something may frighten our position with whatever-and we get hostile and defensive. thats ego. also, ego is so clever by telling us we are less than or not sexy enough or not smart enough as the next, that we start to tear ourselves down and then throw ourselves under the bus. then before you know it, we have decided to fall so deep down the rabbit hole that we don’t know up from down. and the brilliance of ego is that it doesn’t stop there. it creates such a powerful cycle that its almost an addiction that needs a 12 -step recovery. egocentric-assholes anonymous. EAA for short.

the beauty lies in this-it is never about someone else. its always about me. my ego, my defenses, my projections, and they cannot fix or alter someone else’s behavior. your ego, your rage, your fear cannot fix anything outside yourself and same for me. this realization makes it so much more of a manageable concept to wrap my head around. its all inside. i don’t have to depend on an outside circumstance, person, or encounter to fix my out of control ego that wants to rule the world (or at least be the main superpower). to depend on someone outside myself is a bit daunting, frightening and definitely uncertain. i don’t like that. i’m a control freak. i like to know i can maintain control at all times. how thats possible is me being in control of my actions, my thoughts, and my pathetically fragile ego. ok. done and done. im the first to defend myself when approached or threatened, yet the first to offer myself up to the wolves. thats the double-sided power of ego.-“I jump my ship as I take it personally…oh these little REJECTIONS how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me…”.

my theme for this year is my awareness of me being in love or fear. ego has not the ability to contain or be love, therefore it is fear ( (F)alse (E)vidence (A)ppearing (R)eal. and fear has never really served me no matter what face it wore.

this post was/is on its way to sounding very SNL “Stuart Smalley” so i apologize for that…but we are all so sexy and so beautiful, so loved and so fine, so not boring and terribly interesting, and of scintillating sound mind.

get it right; keep it tight.



a little addendum to my post

earlier today.

today i bought daffodils (they were on sale and i happen to love them). i brought them home and put them in water and a vase. i tooled around my place for a while (procrastinating with the organizing that is imperative to my sanity; needless to say the procrastination has led to sheer INsanity). then i left my house earlier tonight for about an hour and a half right after i blogged about my dads friend.

when i bought the daffodils i made sure to buy the bundle that was all still completely closed (i am a control freak and want to get the most out of my flowers). all the buds were all so neat and tightly closed, therefore satisfied with my purchase. i just walked in the door and looked at the flowers. no big deal, right? then, i double took…they are almost fully bloomed. theyre so pretty with their little “teacups” open in full effect. but thats not what registered for me. what hit me was that while i was gone, life was happening. those little guys bloomed. just to prove my point in my earlier blog. life is happening all around us. we just have to live it-judgment and opinion free. i doubt those flowers had to judge how they were going to look once they bloomed, or which one of them was going to bloom first, or that they didnt prefer the water they were sitting in. its all meaningless bull shit. they are living their purpose, and it literally changed within an hour and a half. i dont know, it probably sounds so “cookoo for cocoa puffs” as if ive really lost it now at this point, but i feel grateful for being present enough to “take time and smell the roses” . more fitting, “take time to notice the daffodils’ perfect divinity right in front of me”. if i cant be pleased with the little “unimportant” stuff, then i will, in fact be quite unimpressed with the big things also.

native americans (to which i am) believe that you must not take from nature without giving back to nature. im trying to really be aware of that system just for myself. so today, as i spoke of my dad’s friends leaving, i came home to flowers that wanted to honor their own purpose to bloom. and in that, i feel that they honored the passing of him with their beauty. and how honored do i feel to choose to see this little miracle?

god, i know i sound like im losing my crackers, and maybe i am. and if so, its about fucking time. ive been sitting on a broom stick half my life. its starting to grow uncomfortable.

“and why worry about your clothes? look at the lillies in the field! they dont worry about theirs. yet king solomon in all his glory was not clothed as beautifully as they. and if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that they are here today and gone tomorrow, wont he more surely care for you, o people of little faith? so dont worry at all about having enough food and clothing. why be like the pagan? for they take pride in all these things and are completely concerned about them. but God in heaven already knows you need them…so dont be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. live one day at a time.” -Matthew 6:28-34

so it may seem youre getting a botany lesson with all the flower talk. but it all comes back to my initial blog today.

opinions and judgments lead to fear and pain. the flowers think not about how theyre going to grow or what theyre going to look like after they bloom, or if they will be pretty enough. judgment free. and the universe takes care of us if we allow it. we just need to be willing to give up our opinions and judgments and make space available for the beautiful growth. and to not be like the “pagans” concerned with the menial bull shit. i feel that great beauty and opportunity is more likely to be attracted to us if we’re not obsessing on those things. and everyday has its own fair share of trouble. so why would we worry about tomorrow and the next day. life is right now. if we are not present we will utterly miss it. just as quickly as a man can be having the time of his life then his spirit leaves his body in a flash; the same is true of tightly closed flower buds opening up to share their beauty as intended. it can all be experienced and it can all be missed; we have free will to choose what we want to do.

anyway, these are my thoughts. i just have to put them somewhere or else i get overloaded, and i thank you for still coming back.

“…and in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter and the sharing of pleasures. for in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.” -kahlil gibran

and so it is…


i talked to my daddy today…

first off, let me say how much i love him. he’s such a good dude. i see where i get a lot of my silent strength from. he’s 5’6″ and his presence is known when he walks into a room and says absolutely nothing. he’s pretty fly. anyway, enough about him and onto the convo i had with him.

he went riding (his motorcycle) on saturday with a couple of buddies. this isnt a leisure, “hey ya’ll wanna maybe go ride?”- its a “we’re leaving at 7am and gonna ride 350 miles and back sorta day.” (and i must say, this is one of my favorite things to do on this earth is ride ride ride….its a childhood thing, its in my blood).

so he and his boys did it.
350 miles.
stopped for lunch.
cuttin’ up.
just good ol’ boys “shootin’ the shit”.

they got back around 3 or 4 o clock pm. i forgot to ask if he was on his crotch-rocket or his chopper, but they made pretty good time, i guess. all the boys went off to their homes or errands or whatever, they were simply back to saturday this and that.

by 8 o’clock that night, one of his friends that went riding with them was pronounced dead on the O.R. table. my dad’s friend went about his day after they were all done, was fine, and decided to eat something. he got hot and sweaty and got to the hospital. that was it.

i asked my dad if he even believed that he was gone, because i cant even wrap my brain around someone being there full of life, then less than 5 hours later gone. no more spirit in body. my dad said he kept thinking they were gonna call and say it was a joke or misunderstanding of some sort, but that, in fact, didnt happen. its true.

i have to say that i think its quite beautiful that he had a wonderful day on his last day. it seemed to have looked and felt exactly as he wouldve wanted it to. thats beautiful. its quite a miracle, actually. did he know it was his last day? did he know he only had a few hours left?

im not scared of death for myself. i know that when my spirit decides to leave my body i will have served my purpose here. its divine order. im not afraid of that, i trust it. im more afraid of people leaving me. i dont handle death very well. i was angry at my grandma and my grandpa for a very long time for “leaving me”. it wasnt MY time to separate from them. anyway, thats a whole side note…

what i am afraid of is the procrastination and fear that comes with so-called “living”. am i really living when i put things off or dont push myself to my full greatness, and why do i do that, anyway? who gives a shit if i fall on my ass? does it matter that i fall only to get up and decide on another way? does it matter if i make a fool out of myself? if anything, i take myself way too seriously. jesus, “get a life”, right?!

im learning through my mentors that everything is in divine order. we just need to get out of our own way. we live in this world with such harsh opinions and judgments. this leads only to fear; then pain. then we are stuck. why be so opinionated? why pass so much judgment? opinions of people, circumstances, situations, or anything else creates separation, sense of lack, then ultimately to fear and pain. judgments takes us out of our “flow.” this is time and energy wasting. i doubt my dad and his buddies were sittin’ around being opinionated and judgmental about the things around them. if anything, they were probably soaking in the wild flowers that are in bloom right now, or enjoying the sound of their bikes. this is beautiful because this means up to his passing his friend’s time and life wasnt wasted. he lived it to its fullest and to its limit. in this i see it as a graceful, and beautiful passing. he just walked through a new door, thats all.

i have a lot to learn from this man whom ive never met. he had it down better than me. i will take this with me in my days starting today and those to come. its time i had a “gratitude adjustment.” so, im sending this man who’s name i dont even know, much thanks and gratitude for his story being a lesson learned for me. its noted in my books, and im thankful.

to his family who will never read this, i send out love and happy energy that they can see that he (a dad, brother, lover) has impacted people in his life and even some who he never knew. it may be hard to do the letting go (thats my weakness. i white knuckle everything) but hes flying now, and what a beautiful way to pass on? god was definitely with him on saturday, and guided him to his perfect place. angels were singing, i just know it. i hope his family has peace in this time. that is my wish. peace peace peace.

and for me, i will use this as an asterisk to mark my days.

*be happy
*have gratitude for the beauty in my life
*if theres something i want to do-*just do it

“The saddest summary of life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.” ~Unknown

all my love to you today- its a new week….what cha gonna do with it???

“there are angels to your left, and there are angels to your right. there are angels in front of you and there are angels behind you. there are angels above you and there are angels below you.

go forth in confidence and go forth in peace.”

all my love-


so i was spoken to by drake…

(well, in song, that is…) if youve read any of my posts or facebook status updates in the past youll know that im in love with the artist drake. ive written about him and have quoted his lyrics. between him, lil wayne, and eminem…i cant even take it. i have a soft spot for anyone who can turn a phrase.

anyway, download his song “brand new”…lyrics first, then the story to explain how he came down and whispered in my ear follows as such:

“This here is on some truthful shit
It seems like everything I do, you’re used to it
And I hate hearing stories bout who I’m seeing you with
So then I gotta hide, what I’m feelin inside
So you still think I’m confident and damn
Is this gonna last? Your up on a pedestal
Are we moving too fast?
Feel like I’m in crazy competition with the past
This why I gotta ask, is anything I’m doin brand new?

Brand new, brand new, brand new, brand new
Is anything I’m doin brand new?
Brand new, brand new, brand new, brand new
Brand new girl

This here is something personal
Highly doubt this feeling is reversible
Knowledege is pain and that is why it hurts to know
That you attempt to hide, and put mistakes aside

So I don’t ever question you and damn
I can’t even find, the perfect brush
So I can paint what’s going through my mind
Racing against myself, but im a couple steps behind
This why I gotta ask, is anything I’m doin brand new?

Brand new, brand new, brand new, brand new
Is anything I’m doin brand new?
Brand new, brand new, brand new, brand new
Brand new girl

Is anything I’m doing brand new brand new brand new…”

so, my world has been changing so fast around me, but im watching it in slow motion playback at the same time. its zooming by, but im in pause-able reflection. ive already told you that i moved my bedroom into my living room. thats just one example of how ive been “shaking things up”. i know, the life of a gambler. im living on the edge now, everybody better watch out….thats actually a joke.

anyway, i changed my scenery today with my workout. that in itself is pretty huge. im quite ritualistic with how, when, and where i work out. but i gotta a wild hair and decided to switch it up. the other big switch up was putting my ipod on shuffle. this is remarkable because i have my workout playlists that i do NOT veer from ( im a bit militant when it comes to the details of my workouts). so on comes this song by drake. miraculously, as i was just getting into my stride on a run, i started to feel my pace, this beat drops in. first i think, “oh shit, this is some love makin’ music!” then the chorus drops in.

“is anything im doin brand new?”


evvvvvvvverything im doing right now is brand new. everything. and it was such a cool epiphany to realize this as i was greeted with a theme song to support this truth. i was sweating, had my pace, and literally started laughing at myself because i was just thinking at that moment how satisfied i felt to switch up my routine. it was like God (drake) whispered a little secret in my ear, “good girl…..good girl…”

its kinda nice to switch’er up.

take a new route to work.

if you always buy ben and jerry’s “cherry garcia”-switch it up to “chunky monkey”

if you watch the same show on sunday night, skip the tube and go on a walk through your hood instead.

if you like to have sex at night, do it first thing in the am instead-and not just once, c’mon, live on the edge!

everyday should feel brand new because it is after all, brand new. make the most of your power to perpetually change your view.

brand new…view…

go forth in confidence; go forth in peace.


driving on the 405 to manhattan beach….

this morning this song comes on…beyonce’s “HALO”

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they’re tumbling down
And they didn’t even put up a fight
They didn’t even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
It’s the risk that I’m takin’
I ain’t never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want
Think I’m addicted to your light

I swore I’d never fall again
But this don’t even feel like falling
Gravity can’t forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
The risk that I’m takin’
I’m never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halo, halo

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

hhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuh! thats a deep breath in. im driving. the song starts to take my breath away.
breathe in.
turn it up.
on the freeway.
weaving in and out.
just me.
windows down/sunroof back.
just me.
just me.
just me.

this is clearly a love song. about an angel in someones life and the light they shine on those around. i have had such people in my life, and continue to meet new “angels”. i am blessed with the encounters ive been given.
i got a new perspective on this song today. i am traveling this world as a wandering nomad. im growing, im changing, and im moving in different crowds, and im finally getting to know someone very important…me. i have been fighting with myself for years. fighting getting to know myself. im like a toddler thats so sleepy but fighting the nap. fighting the surrender to just take the blanky and lie down. the comfort is when the kid just surrenders and falls asleep in 2 seconds flat. surrendering the fight….peace. “Remember those walls I built well, baby they’re tumbling down, and they didn’t even put up a fight-they didn’t even make a sound-I found a way to let you in-but I never really had a doubt-standing in the light of your halo-I got my angel now”…ive been fighting myself for so long. ive grown tired. the walls and distractions ive put up for myself to guarantee me not having “to go deep” are down. walls, gone. no fight, im too tired. im learning to let myself in. to feel. to cry. to be vulnerable. to open up. to laugh. ive held myself for so long to this standard, this safe guard that has calloused over the inherent beauty that runs so deep inside me. and it snuck up on me and i never had a clue. i knew i created rules for myself. i felt as if i was learning so well to be with holding, but one day i woke up and realized i had become crippled to a degree, and all according to my own creation. first problem, i had no desire to get to know me. im scared of me. im mean. im judgmental. im hypocritical.

“Feels like I’ve been awakened-every rule I had you breakin’-the risk that I’m takin’-I’m never gonna shut you out-everywhere I’m looking now-I’m surrounded by your embrace-baby I can see your halo-you know you’re my saving grace…” ive spent so long shutting myself out. i dont know why. put everyone else first. find hobbies that will sound off bells and whistles to deafen my own crying out for growth, i dont know, im just philosophizing, but its a damn good assumption. i broke every rule. i created my own rules against myself. i created ways to fuck myself over. now it feels good that i am opening myself up and clearing the crud. im opening up instead of shutting out. im taking a huge risk by digging deep. but i know now, im taking an even bigger risk by ignoring whats there. im uprooting stuff that i dont like. i dont like it. i really dont like it. did you hear me? i fucking hate it. but its beautiful. its a transformation that i am itching through. Anais Nin said, “And the day came when the risk to remain in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” yup, that day came.

“You’re everything I need and more-it’s written all over your face-baby I can feel your halo-pray it won’t fade away…” we walk this world alone. we meet “fellow travelers” and encounter beauty, but for now im everything i need. and this is such a sobering realization. i feel like the person at a carnival that just closed. all the people are gone, cars left, and its just me with big rides that are still and retired for the night with a couple of carnival workers sweeping and cleaning up trash. no one. a bit of panic, but im ok. all i have to do is walk home, just me and my cotton candy and caramel apple. theres nothing else i need. im safe. ive got my back. its all good.

“Hit me like a ray of sun-burning through my darkest night-you’re the only one that I want-think I’m addicted to your light-I swore I’d never fall again-but this don’t even feel like falling-gravity can’t forget
to pull me back to the ground again”…

man, ive seen some dark days…but there is sun. there cant be a moon without the sun. and im “addicted” to this light. so addicted. it feels so good, and the free-falling feeling of diving deep inside, is actually more scary before you just step out of the plane. its the panic, anticipation of what the wind will feel like, the nervousness of the breath leaving your chest, but once you have lift off, it doesnt even feel like falling. it feels like flying. this is where i am.

im getting acquainted with my light. my halo’s dusty because i havent used it much, i didnt even take the time to read the owners manual. thats what has to happen now. its about fucking time. im ready.

i want to thank all the angels that have come into my life to help guide me to right here and now. as i type away on the keys of my much out dated computer, i am in my divine moment, space and time. and i have a smile on my face and so much love in my heart. all my angels have played a part in getting me here. thank you.

“Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace…”

baby, i can feel your halo…

all my best,


“there are angels to your left-there are angels to your right.
there are angels in front of you and there are are angels behind you.
and there are angels above you and there are angels below you.”

peace…..beautiful peace.