well, whatever. if youve been to my blog, you already know ive exposed a lot of my ugly.
well, a couple of things:
1) im an in the closet alanis morrisette fan, and as of late been playing the hell out of her albums “under rug swept” and “supposed former infatuation junkie”.
2) and you may know ive been talking a lot about ego.
she is so spot on with a lot of her songs that ive had in my possession for years. ive had these albums forever, liked them to a degree, but nothing too mind-blowing until lately. the words are literally jumping through my ipod to my ears as i catch the beat on my rides or runs.
i am also reading a book called “a course in miracles”. in layman’s terms i would describe it as a practical parallel to the Bible that we can actually use in this day and age and have it make sense. its quite a distinguished piece of work i must say.
this work is quite earth-shaking because it talks about how we are created in God’s image and therefore we are not separate from God. we are in essence God. now, i reaaaaally like this idea. im gonna go ahead and say, “i’ll take it”. but, (there’s always a big but, well, hopefully not if you eat right and exercise, anyway)-the thing that makes us feel separate from God (or universe whatever feels right for you) is EGO. this little bugger came into existence to make us feel as if we are less than our true essence which is God-like. ego is our separation from the divine. ive heard it said before that ego is “(E)dging (G)od (O)ut”. this is the one little pest that truly affects our daily life. nothing else causes so much turmoil. and i say confidently, nothing else. so, as im reading this book that is of Biblical proportions (its huge), im beginning to break a lot of stuff down. cut to….
this song i re-stumbled upon.
Oh these little REJECTIONS how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could
Oh these little REJECTIONS how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I’m all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I’m 13 again am I 13 for good?
I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind
Oh these little PROJECTIONS how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I’m deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I’m devastated
When will I stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?
Oh these little PROJECTIONS how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little REJECTIONS how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me
the ego causes so much chaos in a flash of a moment. a sideways look gets in our head. we give people the power to make us feel less than. we put up defenses and projections just in case we are going to potentially be screwed over…just in case…how’s it really working for us? well, i can let you know that its not working out so great for me. “Oh these little PROJECTIONS how they fail to serve me, oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me”…
bottom line, the ego is a little scrapper, it likes to brawl and fight for its position to remain. hence her lyrics, “I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful, so unloved for someone so fine, I can feel so boring for someone so interesting, so ignorant for someone of sound mind…”. its so skilled at playing this jedi mind trick on us. we get defensive because of the actions of someone else. or we flair up over something someone says, or even funnier, the POTENTIAL that someone or something may frighten our position with whatever-and we get hostile and defensive. thats ego. also, ego is so clever by telling us we are less than or not sexy enough or not smart enough as the next, that we start to tear ourselves down and then throw ourselves under the bus. then before you know it, we have decided to fall so deep down the rabbit hole that we don’t know up from down. and the brilliance of ego is that it doesn’t stop there. it creates such a powerful cycle that its almost an addiction that needs a 12 -step recovery. egocentric-assholes anonymous. EAA for short.
the beauty lies in this-it is never about someone else. its always about me. my ego, my defenses, my projections, and they cannot fix or alter someone else’s behavior. your ego, your rage, your fear cannot fix anything outside yourself and same for me. this realization makes it so much more of a manageable concept to wrap my head around. its all inside. i don’t have to depend on an outside circumstance, person, or encounter to fix my out of control ego that wants to rule the world (or at least be the main superpower). to depend on someone outside myself is a bit daunting, frightening and definitely uncertain. i don’t like that. i’m a control freak. i like to know i can maintain control at all times. how thats possible is me being in control of my actions, my thoughts, and my pathetically fragile ego. ok. done and done. im the first to defend myself when approached or threatened, yet the first to offer myself up to the wolves. thats the double-sided power of ego.-“I jump my ship as I take it personally…oh these little REJECTIONS how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me…”.
my theme for this year is my awareness of me being in love or fear. ego has not the ability to contain or be love, therefore it is fear ( (F)alse (E)vidence (A)ppearing (R)eal. and fear has never really served me no matter what face it wore.
this post was/is on its way to sounding very SNL “Stuart Smalley” so i apologize for that…but we are all so sexy and so beautiful, so loved and so fine, so not boring and terribly interesting, and of scintillating sound mind.
get it right; keep it tight.