to one of my mentors yesterday about my lame financial scam. i was expressing how pissed i was, and how angry i want to be with the world, but how i dont want to be angry either. my reality is the struggle of choosing love or closing off, and the beautiful idea that i really dont want to close off, therefore i wont. even still.
she said something so amazingly profound to me.
she said, “bigger picture in all this….i would bet money on the fact that you are not forgiving YOURSELF. yes, you lost a sum of money. yes, thats going to hurt your wallet. but the suffering is that you are angry with yourself for not listening to your instincts. and you are not forgiving yourself for it.”
wait for it, wait for it.
wrap my brain arouuuuuuuuuuuuuuund that…
yup. shes right.
when this whole scandal all became fact, my first thoughts were, “natalie, you are such a fucking idiot! you are so stupid, and i cant believe you were so dumb to be duped!”…then a few thoughts on how i wanted to go after these criminals and a few expletives, but then back to how i was a disgrace and a disappointment to consider myself fit to walk in this human race. because clearly, i dont have an intelligent and cognitive human brain.
this is my sickness.
i believe we all have this feeling and dis-ease from time to time. i, personally become my own judge and jury, so therefore i am in control of giving myself life without parole for even the smallest mis-steps. i am so harsh with myself. so i made a mistake. so i was too trusting. so i am teaching myself an expensive lesson. so fucking what. at the end of the day i am blessed. when i lay head to pillow i fall fast asleep with a pure heart. not always a pure mind, but im still working on that. i am created perfect. with all the dumb-ass mistakes i make and all the tripping over myself that i do, i am still created perfect. everything is to be as it is.
how often and how frequent do you think that we punish ourselves for the smallest things? i can speak for myself, until my mentor said this to me and brought it to my attention, i wouldnt have even registered that i do this. but it happens so frequently, i think, that its just “normal” behavior at this point. its normal for me to judge myself harshly. its normal for me to beat myself up for this or that. no one could ever judge me more harshly than i already have judged myself.
kahlil gibran said, “The person you consider ignorant and insignificant is the one who came from God, that he might learn BLISS from GRIEF and KNOWLEDGE from GLOOM.”..hmmm, interesting.
if you were to be aware of your self-judgments on a daily basis as i am looking into investigating mine tomorrow and the next and the next….i want to catch it in the act and remove it. so i say to you, see how often you criticize yourself. pay attention to how you treat yourself. let it go. i will do the same. we have a pact.
its so easy to extend love to others. its actually quite rewarding. its hard, however to be forgiving of our own shortcomings. its rather ironic. so this is my awareness tip for the day, “love yourself, and be patient with you.” the bible says, ” i will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.”-psalms 139:14 (NAS)
and rumi, my other love, wrote…
“You suppose you are the trouble
But you are the cure
You suppose that you are the lock on the door
But you are the key that opens it
It’s too bad that you want to be someone else
You don’t see your own face, your own beauty
Yet, no face is more beautiful than yours.”
that says it all. lets give ourselves a break. lets quit holding ourselves hostage for our mis steps. we are miraculous, flawless creatures, and i think you are beautiful.
“…how bout remembering your divinity…”
peace to you-