i was talking…

to one of my mentors yesterday about my lame financial scam. i was expressing how pissed i was, and how angry i want to be with the world, but how i dont want to be angry either. my reality is the struggle of choosing love or closing off, and the beautiful idea that i really dont want to close off, therefore i wont. even still.

she said something so amazingly profound to me.

she said, “bigger picture in all this….i would bet money on the fact that you are not forgiving YOURSELF. yes, you lost a sum of money. yes, thats going to hurt your wallet. but the suffering is that you are angry with yourself for not listening to your instincts. and you are not forgiving yourself for it.”

ummm, whoa.

ok.

wait for it, wait for it.

wrap my brain arouuuuuuuuuuuuuuund that…

yup. shes right.

when this whole scandal all became fact, my first thoughts were, “natalie, you are such a fucking idiot! you are so stupid, and i cant believe you were so dumb to be duped!”…then a few thoughts on how i wanted to go after these criminals and a few expletives, but then back to how i was a disgrace and a disappointment to consider myself fit to walk in this human race. because clearly, i dont have an intelligent and cognitive human brain.

this is my sickness.

i believe we all have this feeling and dis-ease from time to time. i, personally become my own judge and jury, so therefore i am in control of giving myself life without parole for even the smallest mis-steps. i am so harsh with myself. so i made a mistake. so i was too trusting. so i am teaching myself an expensive lesson. so fucking what. at the end of the day i am blessed. when i lay head to pillow i fall fast asleep with a pure heart. not always a pure mind, but im still working on that. i am created perfect. with all the dumb-ass mistakes i make and all the tripping over myself that i do, i am still created perfect. everything is to be as it is.

how often and how frequent do you think that we punish ourselves for the smallest things? i can speak for myself, until my mentor said this to me and brought it to my attention, i wouldnt have even registered that i do this. but it happens so frequently, i think, that its just “normal” behavior at this point. its normal for me to judge myself harshly. its normal for me to beat myself up for this or that. no one could ever judge me more harshly than i already have judged myself.

kahlil gibran said, “The person you consider ignorant and insignificant is the one who came from God, that he might learn BLISS from GRIEF and KNOWLEDGE from GLOOM.”..hmmm, interesting.

if you were to be aware of your self-judgments on a daily basis as i am looking into investigating mine tomorrow and the next and the next….i want to catch it in the act and remove it. so i say to you, see how often you criticize yourself. pay attention to how you treat yourself. let it go. i will do the same. we have a pact.

its so easy to extend love to others. its actually quite rewarding. its hard, however to be forgiving of our own shortcomings. its rather ironic. so this is my awareness tip for the day, “love yourself, and be patient with you.” the bible says, ” i will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.”-psalms 139:14 (NAS)

and rumi, my other love, wrote…

“You suppose you are the trouble
But you are the cure
You suppose that you are the lock on the door
But you are the key that opens it
It’s too bad that you want to be someone else
You don’t see your own face, your own beauty
Yet, no face is more beautiful than yours.”

that says it all. lets give ourselves a break. lets quit holding ourselves hostage for our mis steps. we are miraculous, flawless creatures, and i think you are beautiful.

“…how bout remembering your divinity…”

peace to you-

n.

God, im learning…

how to relax a little i think.

i had some crazy crap happen to me yesterday, which is putting me out financially pretty HUGE- i got screwed, basically.

anyway, i freaked out, but actually freaked out healthy (if thats possible). i wanted to put my hand through a wall, i wanted to punch the nearest breathing thing next to me.
i made a few calls.
called my mama, called a close friend, and i calmed down. ive always told people in my life, “someone can beat the shit out of me, but they best not fuck with my money!”-i dont have a lot of money. i wont say im broke-i dont honor that belief system, but i work very hard for the money i earn as i have since i was 10 years old.

so back to me getting screwed to a wall, and i didnt enjoy this screwing, unfortunately. im really trying to wrap my brain around why this happened to me, as i am a good person…

so there are quite a few things that dont line up karmic-lly, and im struggling with this. but im not freaking out about it. this is where i must practice what i preach!!!

so here we go…

im learning to operate out of love rather than fear. im learning that everything is in divine order. DAMMITT!!!! divine freakin order?????? uuuuuuugh! but im sitting in it. im biting down and im taking it. and im still choosing love. i briefly got confused, pissed, and angry yesterday as i found this stuff out. confused on if i operate out of love (not all the time obviously, but at least im aware) how something like this would happen. then, pissed and angry that as im trying not to grow into a jaded closed-off bitch, someone screws me over. we’ve all been jacked with enough, that we could probably close off permanently and feel justified in it. i feel that way for many reasons. i want to build a wall, and shut the world out because it would be easier than people taking advantage or me being naive to fall for false actions again and again…

this is what i was battling with yesterday. my mom has always told me that it is so beautiful how i choose trust…STILL. every time im given the opportunity, i always choose trust. uuuugh. even after all the crap in my life ive endured.

the problem with building a wall is that if i close people, experiences, circumstances, and opportunities out; i have to forfeit all those things that come in beautiful packaging as well. by staying open, i risk being hurt, betrayed and deceived, but i also risk missing out on huge, larger than breath sort of love and joy that these people, experiences, and opportunities bring me in unlimited amounts. thats what im not willing to forfeit. people can steal from me. they can abuse my kindness. and they can kill me with word and deed, but i will not give them the joy and pleasure of witnessing me take and steal and kill my own spirit. this they will never see. and its all divine order. what is, is.

so i will remain open.

open to all the beauty, love, wealth, health, and joy that is to be mine as i am a child of God. we are all children of this universe, therefore we are royalty and we must walk in this superlative truth that is ours.

i will handle this situation, as i always do. and i am so very proud of myself, that i am not letting anyone steal my joy and kill my spirit. my spirit and joy will always remain inside and flow outward, but i keep it safely tucked away inside and it ventures out. there is a treasure inside of me and i will fiercely protect it. people and circumstances can rob me of anything external. take it. it doesnt matter at the end of it all. but i guard my heart and my joy, as it will never leave me. “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23

Matthew 6:19-21
“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

dont get me wrong and please make no mistake-i work hard so i can have money. i want money. money is energy, if its not flowing theres a certain energy that is not flowing. i want money because i want to travel. i want to live and have experiences that money can buy. i want to take care of my family. i want to lavish my friends. im not saying i dont want all of these things. but im not willing to hate or harbor anger toward people that do me wrong and risk tainting the purity of my spirit. its not worth that. its just not. so, i will, like i said, handle the situation as i see fit.

this is really putting to work all the things i write about on a daily basis. you as my witness, its so effing hard to practice what you preach. im cringing, but im also letting go of the fight as well.

thank you for listening. i needed to write about this and get it out of me. i will proceed to wake up tomorrow and begin my meditation with all the things i am grateful for. as i am grateful. very grateful. i am blessed.

and to the ones who fucked me over…thank you. thank you for the opportunity to choose love over hate. i choose love. and you too are a child of God, and i hope the realization of your Divinity comes to you in this lifetime for it will be this realization that brings your peace to you. and we all deserve peace.

i am no longer gritting my teeth.

“steadily emerging with grace…

I’ll seek you out,
Flay you alive
One more word and you won’t survive
And I’m not scared of your stolen power
I see right through you any hour

I won’t soothe your pain
I won’t ease your strain
You’ll be waiting in vain
I got nothing for you to gain

I’m taking it slow
Feeding my flame
Shuffling the cards of your game
And just in time
In the right place
Suddenly I will play my ace

I won’t soothe your pain
I won’t ease your strain
You’ll be waiting in vain
I got nothing for you to gain

Eyes on fire
Your spine is ablaze
Felling any foe with my gaze

And just in time
In the right place
Steadily emerging with grace

Felling any foe with my gaze
Steadily emerging with grace
Felling any foe with my gaze
Steadily emerging with grace…”

hopefully, tomorrow i’ll be talking about rainbows and butterflies again……..

xoox-

peace-
n.

happy hump day!! haha…

happy wednesday! today was such a great day. i did get a parking ticket yesterday, but today is a new day, right? right.

i dont even know why, per se, my day was amazing, it just was. i was writing in my “morning pages” this morning, and i stumbled upon an epiphany. “morning pages” being my thoughts/journal entry first thing in the morning right after my first pee and coffee made…

my epiphany was this: i was writing that i am happy. im so scared to say that i am happy. im fighting and resisting so hard to admit to myself that i love my life. and that scares me. i keep seeking drama or friction or chaos to keep me from my happiness, but the fact remains, that i am happy. i need to quit seeking things to bring me pain. there is no need for these things in my life. we have enough shit on a daily basis to annoy us or set us off, like a parking ticket, that i definitely dont need to go out and look for more shit.

yes, i would like more money. i would like to be traveling the world (however, i did just get back from cabo). i would like to be changing the world on a global scale, but just for today, i am happy. and i need to be grateful.

i sat down for coffee the other day with someone i had not spoken to in close to a year. we squashed our resentments and wiped the slate clean. it sucks to give into the ego. actually, what sucks is fighting to keep the ego alive. i apologized. she apologized. the struggle, over. love came in, and most of all, i can feel confident knowing that i am walking my talk. i am doing the gritty work. im cleaning up my loose ends, and putting in a lot of elbow grease. and i got a relationship back that is vital for my growth. i was able to say, “sorry”. i dont do that well. i dont really do it ever, actually. but im learning. and im learning quickly as i want to live a clean, open, free, and loving life to all i encounter. i believe this is whats bringing me happiness. i am choosing authenticity as ugly, raw, and exposed as it may be. i have to say that it is so fucking liberating. so liberating. im acting out. im acting a fool. im outrageous, and im loving it all.

“i have told you to think of how many opportunities you have to gladden yourself, and how many you have refused. the light that belongs to you is the light of joy. radiance is not associated with sorrow…”- ACIM

we have the chance to gladden ourselves all over the place. we have opportunity after opportunity to make ourselves happy, and we refuse. i am here to say that im learning very quickly to do the things for myself that “gladden” me and turn a frown upside down. we are allowed to be happy. its ok. we dont have to live in misery and panic. we are superlative beings deserving of divine pleasure and happiness. take it, its yours! i get mine; you get yours!

“Today is the greatest
Day I’ve ever known
Can’t live for tomorrow,
Tomorrow’s much too long
I’ll burn my eyes out
Before I get out

I wanted more
Than life could ever grant me
Bored by the chore
Of saving face

Today is the greatest
Day I’ve never known
Can’t wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I’ll tear my heart out
Before I get out

Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
I tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings

today is the greatest….”-smashing pumpkins

much peace and happiness-

n.

mmmmmmm…monday….

hi.

its monday, and it couldnt be a more beautiful day in LA.

i barely spoke of cabo, i think…i cant tell you how amazing it was. i went parasailing, snorkeling, cliff-diving, jet-skiing, sailing, and got a LOT of sun. it was so refreshing to get out of LA, as it gave me a new view coming home. i was supposed to go straight to coachella to hang with friends, but i had had my fill. im glad to be back. i had forgotten that ive got a lot of ideas. a lot of them. i constantly have things bouncing in and out of my mind. and having had a break reunited me with a lost excitement. so today, im just thankful to be excited about my life, my shit, my ideas on a monday. cant ask for more, right?

“to keep clean, one must keep flowing. a river remains clean because it goes on flowing. flow is the process of remaining continuously virgin…first you have to be full of light, and full of delight-so full that you start overflowing. that overflowing energy is love. then love is known as the greatest perfection in the world. it is never less, and never more.”-OSHO.

i am in flow. i am on the right track. i am falling down, skinning my knees all over the place, but i am laughing. whats a greater joy than to be able to laugh? i am exactly where i am supposed to be in my flow. i am awake. i am free, i am dancing, and i am loving. according to osho, its all these things that reflect flow and movement that will keep one’s heart and spirit clean. i like that. everyday is new for me. the more i allow myself to flow and be in action i am filling up with light. we all have light. my light was quite dim there for a bit, but its returning to me as it is mine.

i posted a while back alanis’ song “thank you india”…i am here to say, “thank you cabo”. damn, it was good. thank you clarity…thanks to all the people present to share it with me. good times.

im in a great mood, this song just came on and i will share with you…

this song, “battleflag” from lo-fidelity all-stars is one of my staple good mood songs. its an oldy but solid one for getting me jacked up….if you dont have it, download it…you wont be disappointed.

“Your construction
Smells of corruption
I manipulate to recreate
This air to ground saga
Gotta launder my karma

I said hallelujah to the sixteen loyal fans
You’ll get down on your muthafuckin’ knees
And it’s time for your sickness again
Come on and tell me what you need
Tell me what is making you bleed
We got two more minutes and
We gonna cut to what you need
So one of six so tell me
One do you want to live
And one of seven tell me
Is it time for your muthafuckin’ ass to give
Tell me is it time to get down on your muthafuckin’ knees
Tell me is it time to get down

I’m blown to the maxim
Two hemispheres battlin’
I’m blown to the maxim
Two hemispheres battlin’
Suckin’ up, one last breath
Take a drag off of death

Hey Mr. Policeman
Is it time for getting away
Is it time for driving down the mother fuckin’ road
And running from your ass today
Now tell me if do you agree
Or tell me if I’m makin’ you bleed
I got a few more minutes and
I’m gonna cut to what you need
So one of six so tell me
One do you want to live
And one of seven tell me
Is it time for your muthafuckin’ ass to give
Tell me is it time to get down on your muthafuckin’ knees
Tell me is it time to get down

Got a revolution behind my eyes
We got to get up and organize
Got a revolution behind my eyes
We got to get up and organize
Got a revolution behind my eyes
We got to get up and organize
You want a revolution behind your eyes
We got to get up and organize

Come on baby tell me
Yes we aim to please”

gotta launder my karma………hmmmm…… 🙂 hope you guys have an amazing week and i know theres a revolution behind those eyes….get on it.

xo-

peace-

the sea is clearing my head….

i had an amazing sunday. i cant even tell you how beautiful my sunday was with the unexpected rain to put me to bed properly.

peace.
love.
divine order.
grace.

i flew out first thing in the morning on monday to cabo with a group of friends. i needed travel. i needed a getaway. so thank god for the opportunity that i was able to take.

as i am here, everyone’s having an amazing time. everyone is really pretty rad, and we are experiencing life. i cant get over how much gratitude im holding in my heart. i have gratitude for so many things going on in my life right now. i have some stresses that im dealing with. i have the usual unknowns. i have desire and detatchment, but most of all i am able to retain my gratitude.

i am really trying to make the things i do in my life, the choices i make, the people i encounter, my LIFESTYLE. i want to march to the beat of my own drum, and as i march along, i am choosing to walk my talk. its starts off to not be so easy, because there are dirty, unserving habits to break, but now that i feel ive hit a stride with what is serving me and the perspective i am choosing to adopt. i dont want to go back to what was. i dont want to pick up that bag of bad habits…again, ever.

so, i feel a little alien as i woke up this morning. we went out last night, stayed out til 4 am and i woke up at 8 to continue on my path.

im on vacation.
im on vacation from my stress and day to day events, but im not on vacation from the “work” i still need to do for myself as far as my personal growth is concerned. i must remain vigilant with what i want to feel, see, experience, and attain as far as my spirit is concerned. i have to protect the things that still serve me.
and whats serving me is my meditation.
whats serving me is my readings.
whats serving me is my quiet time and my complete aloneness.

so as im here in cabo laying under the canopy taking in my dose of gorgeous vitamin d, man-handling the jet-ski, snorkling off the side of a yacht, and dancing my face off…i am present. i am full of richness. i am full of the wealth that im digging up from within. i am happy that i am so in love with my meditation, that i cant even conceptualize not having that time even amongst the busy-ness going on around me. its such a gift. this richness is being brought forth from dispelling that which is not so pretty and removing it forever. i will have rough days to come. problems just dont leave forever. theres always something, right? but today is beautiful, and i hope tomorrow is equally as…beautiful.
i will have slips.
i will fall down.
i will skin my knees.
i will get up again and keep walking.
but today, i have gratitude for the beauty of my joys amongst the stress. i am looking at the love i have rather than what im reaching for. and there’s no doubt that the bills will be there on thursday when i get home. but today is tuesday, and its glorious.

im looking to the sky and looking to the sea….

…edie brickell says it best…

“I’m glad no one’s here just me by the sea
I’m glad no one’s here to mess it up for me
I’m glad no one’s here just me by the sea
But man, I wish I had a hand to hold

I saw an orange starfish on the side of a rock
I poked on his back & tried to pull him off
A crab scared me away he ran close to my toes
And man, I wish I had a hand to hold

The moon is nowhere almost time for the sun
The voice of the waves sound anciently young
I’m a prisoner of freedom ten toes in the sand
And man, I wish I had a hand to hold

I’m in the habit of being alone
I try hard to break it I can’t on my own

I’m glad no one’s here just me by the sea
I’m glad no one’s here to mess it up for me
I’m glad no one’s here just me by the sea

but man i wish i had a hand to hold….”

its always better when you have a hand to hold. 🙂 but its perfect right here right now.

as they are tequila’d up by now, i got to sneak away and write. this is what i truly love.

la pura vida-

n.

mi amor a ti…