God, im learning…

how to relax a little i think.

i had some crazy crap happen to me yesterday, which is putting me out financially pretty HUGE- i got screwed, basically.

anyway, i freaked out, but actually freaked out healthy (if thats possible). i wanted to put my hand through a wall, i wanted to punch the nearest breathing thing next to me.
i made a few calls.
called my mama, called a close friend, and i calmed down. ive always told people in my life, “someone can beat the shit out of me, but they best not fuck with my money!”-i dont have a lot of money. i wont say im broke-i dont honor that belief system, but i work very hard for the money i earn as i have since i was 10 years old.

so back to me getting screwed to a wall, and i didnt enjoy this screwing, unfortunately. im really trying to wrap my brain around why this happened to me, as i am a good person…

so there are quite a few things that dont line up karmic-lly, and im struggling with this. but im not freaking out about it. this is where i must practice what i preach!!!

so here we go…

im learning to operate out of love rather than fear. im learning that everything is in divine order. DAMMITT!!!! divine freakin order?????? uuuuuuugh! but im sitting in it. im biting down and im taking it. and im still choosing love. i briefly got confused, pissed, and angry yesterday as i found this stuff out. confused on if i operate out of love (not all the time obviously, but at least im aware) how something like this would happen. then, pissed and angry that as im trying not to grow into a jaded closed-off bitch, someone screws me over. we’ve all been jacked with enough, that we could probably close off permanently and feel justified in it. i feel that way for many reasons. i want to build a wall, and shut the world out because it would be easier than people taking advantage or me being naive to fall for false actions again and again…

this is what i was battling with yesterday. my mom has always told me that it is so beautiful how i choose trust…STILL. every time im given the opportunity, i always choose trust. uuuugh. even after all the crap in my life ive endured.

the problem with building a wall is that if i close people, experiences, circumstances, and opportunities out; i have to forfeit all those things that come in beautiful packaging as well. by staying open, i risk being hurt, betrayed and deceived, but i also risk missing out on huge, larger than breath sort of love and joy that these people, experiences, and opportunities bring me in unlimited amounts. thats what im not willing to forfeit. people can steal from me. they can abuse my kindness. and they can kill me with word and deed, but i will not give them the joy and pleasure of witnessing me take and steal and kill my own spirit. this they will never see. and its all divine order. what is, is.

so i will remain open.

open to all the beauty, love, wealth, health, and joy that is to be mine as i am a child of God. we are all children of this universe, therefore we are royalty and we must walk in this superlative truth that is ours.

i will handle this situation, as i always do. and i am so very proud of myself, that i am not letting anyone steal my joy and kill my spirit. my spirit and joy will always remain inside and flow outward, but i keep it safely tucked away inside and it ventures out. there is a treasure inside of me and i will fiercely protect it. people and circumstances can rob me of anything external. take it. it doesnt matter at the end of it all. but i guard my heart and my joy, as it will never leave me. “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23

Matthew 6:19-21
“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

dont get me wrong and please make no mistake-i work hard so i can have money. i want money. money is energy, if its not flowing theres a certain energy that is not flowing. i want money because i want to travel. i want to live and have experiences that money can buy. i want to take care of my family. i want to lavish my friends. im not saying i dont want all of these things. but im not willing to hate or harbor anger toward people that do me wrong and risk tainting the purity of my spirit. its not worth that. its just not. so, i will, like i said, handle the situation as i see fit.

this is really putting to work all the things i write about on a daily basis. you as my witness, its so effing hard to practice what you preach. im cringing, but im also letting go of the fight as well.

thank you for listening. i needed to write about this and get it out of me. i will proceed to wake up tomorrow and begin my meditation with all the things i am grateful for. as i am grateful. very grateful. i am blessed.

and to the ones who fucked me over…thank you. thank you for the opportunity to choose love over hate. i choose love. and you too are a child of God, and i hope the realization of your Divinity comes to you in this lifetime for it will be this realization that brings your peace to you. and we all deserve peace.

i am no longer gritting my teeth.

“steadily emerging with grace…

I’ll seek you out,
Flay you alive
One more word and you won’t survive
And I’m not scared of your stolen power
I see right through you any hour

I won’t soothe your pain
I won’t ease your strain
You’ll be waiting in vain
I got nothing for you to gain

I’m taking it slow
Feeding my flame
Shuffling the cards of your game
And just in time
In the right place
Suddenly I will play my ace

I won’t soothe your pain
I won’t ease your strain
You’ll be waiting in vain
I got nothing for you to gain

Eyes on fire
Your spine is ablaze
Felling any foe with my gaze

And just in time
In the right place
Steadily emerging with grace

Felling any foe with my gaze
Steadily emerging with grace
Felling any foe with my gaze
Steadily emerging with grace…”

hopefully, tomorrow i’ll be talking about rainbows and butterflies again……..




One thought on “God, im learning…

  1. Natalie,
    Getting screwed is not fun and you are right, taking the high road and searching for the love in it is difficult. It is hard to love when you want to beat some punk up.
    Know this: Your friendship is more valuable than any amount of money. Those who would rather have money, I pity their judgment. I believe the worst punishment for someone like that is to leave them alone with that money because it is the only thing of yours they will ever have.
    You are beautiful beyond your body.
    (I know some guys who make cement shoes just in case you need the number…)

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