i missed you…

so much.

i havent been here in maybe over a week.

my schedule has been a little hectic, as it has switched up a bit…

i had a pot and a half of coffee today and im starting more.

i dont have really anything to say.

i feel a bit spiritually disconnected. and in the practice of meditation, there seems (at least for me) to be times of great disconnect. and these are the times in which one really needs to push through to find that calm. i havent quite pushed through to find that calm. and i can feel myself growing more and more restless.

im sure the excess coffee and energy drinks dont help with an already overwhelming anxiety level.

we sometimes become quite muddied and clouded over thinking situations in our lives. to sort of alleviate pain we sometimes place blame, or victimize ourselves or just commit to a stance of misunderstanding what simply is.

our lives are perfect in this moment.
the universe is perfectly self correcting, and our thoughts shape our outlook.-therefore we have the power to view and mandate our destiny and future the way we think and see fit.

i must remember this.

as my dreamer mind would like to be in a different stage in my life-and as my angel heart would like to be clear across the world in a time zone 9 times different from the one im in….it is all perfect now.

i just want to leave you with a portion of my readings as of late…..

“God has no secrets. He does not lead you through a world of misery, waiting to tell you, at the journeys end, why He did this to you.”

well, thats a relief! now, i can trust that i believe in a force that supports my bliss. and does not view misery as valuable in my life. and above all, it is for me to choose my thoughts. it is up to me to choose what i view and make the choice on how i perceive my reality. because it is not Gods will to lead me through misery. my life is perfect in this very instant.

as this is what i choose to see.

happy friday.

peace, yo!

n.

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the “shoulds”…..

i should be working.
i should be researching.
i should be reading.
i should be catching up.

i just wanna write, and babble away. and besides, dont therapists unify globally to say the word “should” is an unacceptable word?

so there. done.

i’ll babble.

today i am happy.

i finally finished a 9 day cleanse i was doing. its done, and i realized i dont do well without food. its a systematic cleanse, specially formulated to offer up nutrients to the body to avoid depletion, buuuuuuuut i had no idea i would react so adversely to a lack of solid food. i used to do spiritual fasts. i do believe that when your body is allowed to quiet down and not work so hard you become more clear. thats my basis for having done spiritual fasts in the first place…to get back to one with my inner spirit or intuition and to be able to hear it more clearly.

well, since i went without food for 40 days 2 1/2 years ago, i had not attempted to restrict food until this cleanse. wow, bad news. i dont even diet nor do i believe in it. i wanted to do this cleanse to detox from all my summer travels and one too many champagne rose nights.

i was good day 1-5. i held it together. then the panic took over, and i found myself adversely affected mentally and completely preoccupied with this whole food thing or lack there of.

its amazing how things can become our “triggers” that may have never been a trigger before. i finished the cleanse for the most part. i couldve kept going to really be a champion, but i cut myself some slack. i wanted to beat myself up, but i refrained. i decided to be gentle with myself instead. and the valuable lesson is this: i am so thankful that i have food in my belly everyday. i am fully aware that i canNOT go without food unless a lot of money is the possible end result. and lastly, i am not a very pleasant person when my tummy is growling. oh, and did i mention i cut coffee and my double espresso shots 3x’s daily out also for 9 days. big. HUGE. so i have to be happy with myself even if i flubbed a little here and there.

all of this to say, i ate the shit out of a big meal and had my double shot over ice with soy today and it was orgasmic.

everything in moderation. life is about balance.

the key is to moderate not repress or restrict.

balance.

and even in that balance calls for time of complete rebellious, unhinged passion to be followed by tranquil pause. and the circle goes round and round again…that’s the balance.

“in art and dream may you proceed with abandon. in life may you proceed with balance and stealth.”-patti smith

i take her quote a step further. i believe our life is our art. and we can make our lives a dream. its all one. so all these things are called upon at different times to create this perfect balance.

be crazy. pull back. let loose. reel it in.

its all good.

eat.drink, and be merry…..and then work it off…….one way or another 😉

n.

11:44 pm…insomnia…..

has made its way to me…it doesnt seem late, but i like to wake up early before the rest of this city to sit in the quiet of it all…..

i started reading a book today an old friend introduced to me. its called “the war of art”…so far so good.

im trying to assess with and for myself whats actually going on with me. and 22 pages in i think this book is nailing it on the head.

resistance, or otherwise known as procrastination.
…i put EVERYTHING off.
and this book is addressing how the most important things to us we resist the most.

“resistance is the most toxic force on the planet. to yield to resistance deforms our spirit. it stunts us and makes us less than what we were born to be. God endowed us with our own unique genius. genius is a latin word. the romans used it to denote an inner spirit which watches over us, guiding our calling. every sun casts a shadow, and genius’s shadow is resistance…. resistance defeats us.”

we all have dreams and visions and particular unique talents but as we sit idle on them our soul dies a slow death. some of us want to be painters or writers or musicians, but we allow the daunting power of resistance to overtake any bit of love for a craft we may have had.

“you know, Hitler wanted to be an artist. at 18 he took his inheritance, 700 kronen, and moved to vienna to live and study. he applied to the academy of fine arts and later to the school of architecture. ever see one of his paintings? neither have i. resistance beat him. call it overstatement but i’ll say it anyway: it was easier for Hitler to start world war II than it was for him to face a blank canvas.”

this is real talk.

this is the one thing that overtakes and has overtaken my action and life, for that matter. lets think about it.

i RESIST change. for better or worse, i resist it.
i RESIST growth. i fear i would leave others behind or i may grow into something i may not recognize. or even grow away from the ones i love.
i RESIST love. when perfect love comes to me i push it away because i cannot receive it fully, therefore i resist. and …
i RESIST doing the things that are good for me. i would rather self-sabotage.

this is just something im not resisting looking at right now. because i am finally resisting to stay here in this place. i resist not growing and changing. i want something new, and im opening up to receive and become available.

this is just food for thought. if you live in a human body and walk this earth you struggle with some form of resistance. so lets (together) look at the ways in which we can improve these situations in our lives. and maybe youre the only one who knows what these things are for you…you already know mine, i put my shit on blast. so here you go.

lets reflect.
lets resolve.
and lets build a resistance to the resistance.

pick up the book, THE WAR OF ART by steven pressfield. i highly recommend.

and we can always count on muse…

peace..
n.

i was going to…

blog earlier while at the coffee shop, but got preoccupied with table visitors and actual “work work” that had to be done.

so i postponed.

and here i am. my computer tempts me again. literally, as i was lying on my couch trying to pass out to “what happens in vegas” for the 12th time, i wake up to a text message chime.

now i am awake. i washed my face, brushed my teeth, and migrated to my big bed that houses 1.

there have been times in my life that i wouldve had a panicking, gaping hole in my chest if i were to wake up and find myself alone.

and my, how things have changed. i am actually quite grateful for my solitude. and for now, this is of my choosing. even just this time last year, i felt so very alone. i felt so afraid that if i screamed out no one would hear me, and if they did no one would care. its kind of like in a movie or a cartoon when the character screams and their images gets farther and farther away, and the walls start closing in and they are solo…..just like that. i dont feel this way anymore.

i have a lot of love around me, and the reason for this is i have discovered the love that lives within me. i have been trying to cultivate the love that has always been. where there is an absence of love, fear exists. where there is love no fear can remain. i feel that fear is not even real, its an illusion that our minds and egos play on us to keep us from realizing our true purpose. and that purpose simply is to just extend love. so the one and true thing that in fact does exist is love all along.

im so not there yet, but im trying. i have a lot to work out in my life. im a dreamer, and i need to keep my feet on the ground. i need to get ideas in motion and wheels turning and goals attained, but im working on my spirit and my ability to choose love first. i am trying to employ and instate these habits before all else. and as i do, i hope it makes the other material pathways more clear to follow. at least im hoping this way of doing things is the ideal way. it at least feels right.

so, as i lay in bed computer on lap, candles lit, my brain now alert, i want to extend love to anyone who needs it right now. if you are in one of those times of feeling like you are abandoned to your own island with no sign of a visitor anytime soon, just take comfort in the peace that is in you. its there. still waters run deep, you have to tap that place in you, but it is there. we all could use any love we can get. we are lovers. we were created by God to love. this is our first and truest function. maybe if you are feeling the shallow breath of loneliness taunting you-sit in this moment fully for you will come out of it. and the beauty of sitting in it fully is that you will be able to revel fully in the opposite. you will be fully grateful for the joyous company, family, and friendship that will again surround and cradle you.

im am extending love to you. two poems by hafiz i would like to share with you…

UNTIL…

“i think we are frightened every moment of our lives until we know Him.”
-sit in that silence. sit in the panic. sit in the loneliness. a clarity will come. a voice and a direction will come. a fire will come. hafiz calls all of this God. this is also what God is to me. sit in it, and your fright will soon disappear.

SHE RESPONDED…

“the bird’s favorite songs you do not hear,

For their most flamboyant music takes place
When their wings are stretched above the trees

And they are smoking the opium of pure freedom.

It is healthy for the prisoner to have faith

That one day he will gain to move about
Wherever he wants
Feel the wondrous grit of life-
Less structured,

Find all wounds, debts stamped canceled,
Paid.

I once asked a bird,
“How is it that you fly in this gravity of darkness?”

She responded,

“Love lifts me.”

peace (and love)

n.

sweet dreams.

my cave…

brings me so much comfort and peace.
my cave is my…
secured atmosphere.
its my cocoon.
its my shroud.
its the womb i place myself in.

in the times in which i feel like life is speeding by me, and im losing control over its grip, i suddenly and desperately run to my shelter. i can be losing my mind all around me through me and inside me, but instinctively i know the direction in which to run. and that direction always points to me. the direction always leads to within.

thoughts tend to consume my head. and somedays i just wake up a little more stressed and compulsive than others. i have a lot going on inside my head and in my heart. i have tornados of passion that i need to express, but at times feel like im screaming into a paper cup. ive got things i want to do in this life, differences i want to make, feelings i want to feel. there are soils that my feet want to walk on, and there are people i want to touch.

im no different than anyone else who has a breath to put into their chest, i just happen to be the one expressing it right now. and when all these thoughts and energy seem to hijack my life, i vehemently run, run to my sanctuary. and i am here cozied away today.

the windows are open
the shears are blowing
my books have entertained me
the silence is a treasure
and im back to one.

a deep breath in and i have found home again.

whats so glorious in this awareness is i have a hard time at times sitting in my silence. it scares me. i dont like it much. and in the times when i really need to scale back and find peace, theres nothing better.

theres a line in a STAIND song that says-

“I am nothing more than
A little boy inside
That cries out for attention,
yet I always try to hide
‘Cause I’ll talk to you like children,
Though I don’t know how I feel
But I know I’ll do the right thing
If the right thing isn’t feel.”

i constantly cry out for attention, but what i really crave is to hide away……im hiding away today, and i feel relief. i turned my phone off for a while and ignored calls.

the beauty is that i am able to not only tolerate but revel in the silence.

the knowledge of when and what times are appropriate to retreat or attack in life is an invaluable tool to self preservation and keeping juice in the battery. without this awareness we can burn out. i was aaaaaalmost there. but i followed the knowledge that was so alerting me to quiet myself. and here i am. in hiding. a sufi proverb says this, “knowledge that takes you not beyond yourself, is far worse than ignorance.” i know today is a day for me to chill from the social politic and the demand of a “being on” persona. and im gonna go with that……

i hope this sunday brings to you all that you desire. if thats to hide-hide. if thats to live large-live large. if thats to hang by a pool-wear sunscreen. whatever it is…do it fully.

peace-

n.

i am a butterfly and a hurricane…

all at the same time. at times i flutter around gracefully pleased with everything around me. other times i’m a terror who’s mood changes with the wind and rain. i’m harmless, but also can be a force to be reckoned with if i put my mind to something.

i feel clear. and i’m actually in the head space to do things that i’ve soooo been putting off.

i feel as if i’ve been in a fog.
i’ve been in a cloud.
i’ve been in this overall place for about 8 months.

i get a glimpse of clarity, then my view muddies again. i feel as if i’m trying so desperately to look out a window that keeps fogging up and i grow frustrated.

i woke up 2 days ago with a fire burning in my chest. i don’t know why or how. i just woke up ready to attack the dreams i’ve been evading due to fear that is masked as apathy and complacency.

i’ve got so many things i want to do in this life. and until i die and come back as a lamp post, i need to get on it. i’ve been on auto pilot. i’ve been in complete avoidance. i feel as if i’ve been an ostrich with its head in the sand hoping that if i dont look at my fears and the world thats moving on around me then i wont actually be affected by anything.

well, i’m affected.

i would love to say that now i “have” to change, but the beauty is that i “get” to change the cause that has landed me to this effect. i just need to put one foot in front of the other.

i’ve got a world to change someway somehow on any scale. and i can’t let myself down. the only way i can let myself is in the not doing. i’m dying a slow death watching myself flounder around in the what ifs.

i remember a shaman once called me an “iron butterfly”…maybe she knew and saw something in me that i couldn’t know or see at the time. but what i do know is that i’m done fucking around.

so fitting is this song by MUSE, “butterflies and hurricanes”…….. (matt tears it up on the keys…)

enjoy. 😉

change,
everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called
fights, battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead

best,
you’ve got to be the best
you’ve got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

change,
everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called
fights and battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead

best,
you’ve got to be the best
you’ve got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

don’t,
let yourself down
don’t let yourself go
your last chance has arrived

best,
you’ve got to be the best
you’ve got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now…..

and the pain that i feel in all of this is the repression and restraint of not spreading my wings and just taking flight. i feel stifled and suffocated. and the most painful aspect to this fact is that it is MY OWN hands that are around my neck. i’ve sadistically clipped my own wings, and then i became my very own masochist in my victimhood. i’ve repressed myself for so long. i’ve kept my fire so restrained out of fear that it would actually burn so hot to light up the sky, that i keep it just barely aflame. now i’m starting to lose my breath. because at this point, my coloring inside the lines has become such a bore.

i’ve tried to be so controlled to please the people around me.

to please the nay sayers.
to please the lovers.
to please the haters.
to please the observers.
to please the ignorers.

i’m done with that shit.

“no one knows who’s in control” yah, well, i want to be completely out of control. the people-pleasing control and suppression veil i’ve been able to die under has lifted. and there is a “change in the air” that will send these wings to take flight, and fan the flame i’m so scared of.

enjoy “ruled by secrecy” by MUSE…

repress and restrain
steal the pressure and the pain
wash the blood off your hands
this time she won’t understand

change in the air
and they’ll hide everywhere
no one knows who’s in control

you’re working so hard
and never in charge
your death creates success
rebuild and supress

change in the air
and they’ll hide everywhere
no one knows who’s in control

change in the air
and they’ll hide everywhere
no one knows who’s in control

i didnt intend for this to be a MUSE themed post…i just synchronistically put them on my playlist and started fondling my keys. and here we are.

take flight-

n.

saturday night was…

unbelievable.

i was rendered speechless (if you can fucking believe that).

i had the pleasure of seeing my client perform at the greek theatre here in los angeles. hes a trumpet player, and of an esteemable caliber, yet i still was not quite sure what this performance would entail.

we (me and like 5 of the hottest chicks you would ever see) show up to the greek. its an outdoor venue that is tucked away in the california mountains with huge trees as the canopy.
he comes on stage.
starts playing with such grace, ease, and poise. (its quite eye-opening to witness someone fully in their element). you can tell that his tireless practice has gotten him to this nervousless place.
its absolute.
this discipline and its results has inspired me.

the girls just sat in awe as we watched this most unusual and so not typical spectacle. he used to play and travel on tour with sting then ventured out on his own to create the empire that he oversees today. its rather phenominal that he can command such a large and faithful audience just he and his horn. that is true success.

the audience LOVED him. we could hear the close-by commentary.

i am just thrilled to know someone of this level (level of skill, precision, discipline and stature) and that i get to interact with daily. i feel honored as if he taught me something. he opened me up to something new, and his music is healing. when you encounter such God given talent, you actually feel God and a magical energy fluttering about.

i want to share him with you. his music will bring peace to you, i promise. you may know of him already, and if you dont-i now share with you chris botti.

enjoy, i know you will….

n.



in the first video, he performs hallelujah. its so beautiful its spine-chilling.
you will see in the second video his violinist (lucia micarelli) is an angel…..and her violin is her wings. she truly has a relationship with her violin.
and finally the third video is sting and josh groban singing “shape of my heart” ….a most heavenly pairing.
(and i know josh (groban) and hes truly a stand up classy guy.)

be prepared to be moved.

peace.