my brain is ….

fried.

i didnt do jack-all all weekend. i chilled and relaxed with friends. now, its monday, and i have to say, ive been quite productive.

i have been a bit stressed out as my life is changing itself a bit. but im getting up under it. its so beautiful here right now as i type away. weve had such a mild summer. i look around me and in the midst of stress, i choose gratitude.

i love my life.

i love my advances.

i love my set backs.

i love the pain.

i love the pleasure.

if we didnt face challenges and come out on the other side, would we know true joy and happiness? would we even feel alive without challenges? thats the question that was presented to me in church yesterday. so i took it upon myself to subscribe to a belief in happiness and gratitude in the struggle. for out of the struggle is a gift. and most likely in the struggle is a gift as well. this is damn hard and at times seems virtually impossible to completely adhere to. however, in this acceptance and belief in this peaceful joy in the struggle is where the quiet comes in.

just from around march have i been sitting in silence organizing my thoughts, not judging them, and removing the negative ones from my space. and now were approaching september, and i have grown to crave and hunger for this quiet time. i need it like a baby needs a bottle. i crave it like a junkie needs a fix. and im quite dependent these days. i wake up, make my coffee, sit in silence and ease into my day. i think of myself joining forces with a strength greater than myself, and it puts my anxiety at ease. this doesnt mean that all my problems and inconveniences vanish. i dont claim that prayer and meditation is magic like, “poof! your world is now struggle/drama free!!!!!” no. it just seems to help me assess with a clear-head the next indicated step without crazy panic or chaos-making drama.

peace comes from within.

its still taking me a hot minute to let this settle in, as my knee-jerk is to run to someone else or to something else….i seem to always want someone else to fix my shit for me. but, it doesnt work that way. TRUE PEACE COMES FROM WITHIN.

people close to me this week have listened to my drama about this and that. business this, deal that. just simply life, and in this time i had to coddle myself and dig deep to find peace when everything was pointing to no peace. i had to build a bridge there, and i was a one man-construction team……i wanted so badly for my exterior to change to make me feel better. that gift doesnt always come. and again, i had to sit with that and move through it.

β€œEach one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances.”- Gandhi

so, as i quit trying so desperately to have my world change, i am changing the way i view it. i can choose to see it another way, and search for the gift in what is. and what is, is that peace is always there. its always there like a stream, always minding its own business. its always flowing and it never runs dry and its not intrusive. its function is to provide clean water but it doesnt put itself on me to drink. i have to make the choice to bend down cup my hands and sip away. thats the gift. the realization that its always there and ever generous.

so introduce yourself to peace. its there, its just up to you to warm yourself up to it. even if you stumble upon it through clenched teeth…..its there.

all my best-

n.

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its saturday……..

so what about it????

the sunset music festival is going on….im deciding if i wanna go or not. the draw is that billy corgan is performing with the smashing pumpkins for the first time in like 10 years. im all over it…..on the other hand, i could also get a lot of work done, party my ass off tonight….or, a little of all the above. this is what saturday is looking like.

anyway, on to a subject somewhat……

im such a late bloomer. i truly am in some senses of the term.

i was travelling the world at a young age. i was intuitive early on as well…..blah di blah….

but some things are just coming later now….but as drake would say, “better late than never, but never late is better…”

anyway, had to release my rap line for the day……

i feel like ive lived my entire life for other people. i was always afraid to be selfish, or to go after what i wanted, or to risk being hated. basically, i grew up pleasing people until my knuckles bled.

those days are over.

and what some people learn early on, seemed to have taken me quite some time, but no time better than the present!

but what im finally gettin hip to is that i need to live my life for me.

growing up i lived my life for parents (you sorta have to).

i lived my life for church.

i lived my life for elders.

i lived my life for relationships.

i lived my life for people to like me.

i lived my life that people wouldnt think poorly of me.

i lived my life for shock factor.

all of these things i fluctuated essentially at the mercy of the external.

whats finnnnnally making sense is that i am living for myself. no one else. no distractions. no hoops of fire to jump through.

i take time to grow quiet in my thoughts to assess where i am at.
if im happy.
if im on the path i want to be on.
if i feel fulfilled.
and if any of the answers to these questions are no…what i will do to change the course?

this is where i am today before i go and party like a rockstar….(ha, that rarely happens as i have zero liquor tolerance.)

Mr. Einstein had it going on when he said, “Each of us is here for a brief sojourn; for what purpose he knows not, though he senses it. But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people.”

ive gotten a bit familiar with the internal and external locus of control and their attributes as i have researched behavioral patterns just for shits and giggles.

one who operates with an internal locus of control is controlled primarily by internal feelings, nudges, and prompts to course their external reality. on the other hand, one who is influenced by the external locus of control is controlled and manipulated by what is going on around them externally.

i have shifted a lot from external to internal. and it is really starting to work out for me. for so long ive lived according to what was going on around me and i would chase this way or that way depending on how it pleased me. it grows tiring to say the least. now, im really trying to sit in an inner still place to hear the direction in which i am to go, and how internally these decisions i make will affect the external reality i choose to create. im learning (and its hard) to not be completely influenced by what appears to be going on around me. i am trying to stay true to course from internal out.

annnnnd internally today, i feel like a movie, i feel like dinner, i feel like dancing, i feel like possibly smashing pumpkins…..so externally today on saturday, i feel like its going to end up being a great *effing day.

peace-

n.

ill ask for forgiveness at church tomorrow morning!

hmmmm, hump day……

today is a great day.

i woke up at 6:30am for no real reason, walked to my cafe at the end of my street grabbed my guilty espresso, had my morning thoughts, and am here now.

ive been going through my fair share of stress. its all relative-there are people out there with real problems. but in this process i have been metabolizing these fluctuations and stressors all by my lonesome. of course ive got friends and family to go to, yes, but i have been absorbing it, processing it, and moving through it without the distraction of someone taking it away for me.

one reason why i feel it is so painful and jarring this go round is that i am no longer playing the “blame game”. i used to looooove to pull the “victim card”. it always in the past seemed to ease the pain of my certain effed up scenario. it allowed me to put off any real growth or assessment. i was then free to wallow in, “what do i do now?” or “somebody help me” or “somebody needs to fix this”. well, not so much.

i am actually shedding my skin, (this was made aware to me by my dreams as of late) and its a bit painful. as my new, fresh, untainted skin is hitting the chilly air it feels a bit uncomfortable. however, its my NEW skin nonetheless. and with this new outlook and growth there is a gaining freedom in just taking full responsibility for my place right here and now.
no one did anything to me.
because i didnt get this or do that this happened.
if this wouldve gone down differently this wouldnt be the case.
if this person wouldnt have done this to me…

all these ridiculous theories and hypotheses on what, why and how….and none of it matters except for the fact that it all comes back to me. and as difficult as that may feel in the moment or how large a horse pill to swallow, it is actually quite empowering because now the only retracing of steps and new paths to proper maintenance only have to do with me. i dont have to deal or worry or coddle annnnnnnnnyone else.

its just me.

its empowering.
its freeing.

i hold all the responsibility and the power to change my current situation and prevent potential chaotic future ones. so theres really nothing that is really outwardly contingent. its all internal. of course things do rely on this job or this direction or if i buy this car…..but when everything is understood to be in my own power and i can discern one way or the other in which chess piece to play, its all good. everything can now be done at my own hand. i can take responsibility for the way my life looks, and love it or change it. it makes for a really clean living. when i play the blame game it becomes a movie with way too many dramatic actors, and lets be real, we all know i like being the star of my own show.

so keep it clean.
own your shit (and it stinks sometimes).
and be the star of your own show.

get it right and keep it tight.

and all this is by the grace of God.

“God, grant me the SERENITY
to accept the things i cannot change
the COURAGE to change the things i can,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.”

all this said with complete gratitude.

peace and my love to you-

n.

im not in the effing…

mood to write.

well, let me rephrase. im being called, summoned, evoked to sit at my computer.

im just not in the effing mood to write about flowery shit or rainbows and unicorns.

thats not my truth today.

but i hunger to sit at these keys as i have so much energy within-that i need, for myself, and for the safety of people at close proximity, to get out. my thoughts are stampeding through my brain like wild stallions changing direction with the wind.

i think….A LOT.

and the “plague” has gotten worse as of late. im really good at finding things, boys, toys, shiny projects, or friends to distract me from my thoughts. im now fully present and distraction-free. i have shiny toy syndrome. i have one shiny toy. i feel bored or discomfort, and the next shiny toy that appears im off to investigate. not this time. i put down all my toys and they are in the toybox not to be touched.

im fully sitting in my discomfort.
im fully sitting in my shit.
im fully rattled and discombobulated.

we all have stress. we all have hidden variables in life….”such is life” as my mom says.

anyway, enough about me writing about or NOT writing about the aromas of life- i want to again, pimp this book i just finished.

THE WAR OF ART by Steven Pressfield

it is truly a great read.

it talks about our resistance, creativity, the battle between the two, and some other stuff as well.

i grew up in a very fundamental household in which i am truly grateful. it gave me extreme structure in a time in which i really utilized that structure and thrived. then i was able to look at that structure objectively and completely abolish that structure and create my own blurred lines and start at ground zero and build from the ground up. i even removed some lines to create the shape in which works for my life, and put some of that structure back into place.

all of that to get me here. i grew up feeling “guilty” for wanting to be creative. ive always had a creative streak in my own sense to the point where i would shut out the outside world for days on end and just sit in that “presence” and create….i very well could have been creating shit but it was my shit and i fostered it.

we are all creative beings. we are created by God who is the ultimate creator therefore we are creative. no guilt in that. it is a calling. this is where my writing comes into play. i say it all the time, i write and “purge” my chaos and beauty i see-for me. i have to or i hold it and implode. this blog is for me. it is a calling for me to self-heal. in the book Pressfield writes,”of any activity you do ask yourself, ‘if i were the last person on earth would i still do it?’…theres no one to impress. so, if you’d still pursue the activity, youre doing it purely*. if arnold schwarzenegger were the last man on earth, he’d still go to the gym. stevie wonder would still play the piano-this is where they find their center…if you were freaked out, where would you go first? if you were the last person would you still show up at the studio, at the rehearsal hall, the laboratory?”. i would write.

its like my sustenance.
its as if the waters calm.
or the feeling of when i have a hard time falling asleep and my mom covers me with a blanket, and in that instant i sleep to dream. (yes, im a grown woman and still love it when im tucked in)….not sorry about it.

peace sets in when i touch these keys and i battle with myself with thought, word and flow.

on the flip of his above stated quote, he also says this: “there is another* way proffered by the Lord of Discipline…that is to do the work and give it to Him. do it as an offering to God.

give the act to me.
purged of hope and ego.
fix your attention on the soul.
act and do for me.

the work comes from heaven anyway. why not give it back.”

ok, so all the feelings of guilt from “the need of attention” and resistance i have developed over the years out of fear of being selfish and in to myself…has really been a calling from my muse, gods, goddessess, and angels to grow……..and my desire to connect with them and they with me. we desire our outlets because it brings us back to self. to being. and we connect with our forces at hand that so carefully whisper to us to “be”.

i am about to head out for the night here in good ol’ hollyweird. but before i do, i needed to connect with me, and sometimes the greatest way for me to do so is to bounce the word off a screen and back to me again…..this is what i did. and im getting smarter with the gap in time in figuring out that when my frenetic energy is swelling, i need to SEE my thoughts before me to then process them.

i am probably a shrinks greatest dream to work with as i become a little crazy from time to time, but its all good….nothing wrong with a little crazy. i own it. i claim it.

“you have to go on and be crazy. craziness is like heaven.’- jimi hendrix

i think “crazy horse” is the one steering the stampede in my head. πŸ˜‰

(crazy) peace-

n.

happy birthday, sis.

sovereignty:

supreme power or authority; the authority of a state to govern itself or another state. freedom from external control or influence.

this word stuck out to me today as i was reading in one of my books i chew on in the am……

it was like a yellow highlighter amplified this word on the page to me.

i am really “trimming the fat” in my personal and professional life. i do this from time to time when i feel my life is becoming so large i cannot control it or myself for that matter. i tend to “batten down the hatches” and prepare for change. not necessarily in a fearful way in which i am expecting danger, but in a proactive way to premeditate the direction of change i wish to invoke.

SOVEREIGNTY. its an independent power that is untouched, unwavering and cannot be threatened by outside forces.

and we all come greeting this life with a well of internal sovereignty that God equips us with. we sometimes forget to draw upon it, or our well gets covered up by rocks or boulders that just need to be cleared away….but its there deep at our core. it comes from the inside out. actually the deeper our recesses the more fortitude we gain. as we solidify and bring forth our power and strength from the inside out, our internal becomes immovable, and it is our external that we can change and create to be how we choose to view it. we can become like steam trains that plow through an italian countryside enjoying every moment of the ride knowing we will reach our destination. the cities change, the people are different from town to town, but we make it from a to b unyieldingly.

for today, i am remembering my sovereignty. the power that lives in me. the strength that only i possess.

and i am excited.

love, peace and sovereignty to you on this monday-

n.

and, no….this isnt the book i was reading this am…..i have graduated a bit, but i have to say, piper knew whats up. we should have an adult book like this for us…with flashy pictures. because the beauty about truth is that it is always true. for every person, every time, every land, every age….truth is true. πŸ˜‰

my sis and i….

are very intuitive.

well, we all are, actually…some of us just a little more open and practiced to it, i guess.

i went to my sis’ place yesterday for a pool party. i arrived late as i wasnt feeling the energy to be “on” in front of a lot of people. so, at party’s close we started cleaning up and talking. of course, 3 hours later, we hashed out our trials and tribulations, caught up on life, and connected like sisters do.

she proceeded during our chat to tell me that she had a dream about me. a harmful dream in which i was lead into danger. and i must say this, my sister and i are very complex with one another as we both have extremely strong personalities, and “feel” almost too much for our own good. so, all of that being said, we take each others intuitive visions and thoughts to heart even if it may be painful to hear.

she was on point with her dream of me. this is what we discussed and hashed out. and i told her about my dreams and visions as of late, and all the dots were connected.

its actually funny because i think we get our intuition and 6th sense from our dad. intuition is usually categorized belonging to women, but my dad somewhere along the way developed a pretty strong sensibility for “knowing”. he is so spot on with his gut feeling it was always scary when we were kids. nothing got past him, unfortunately.

so…the point of this post is to say that i had amazing quality catch up time with my sis. and that she helped in guiding me in the direction i already know to be my true north, as she dreamt it for me and needed to pass it along.

today is sunday, my favorite day of the week…..church, flea market on fairfax, gym…..but today, i think im skipping church, and im gonna make my own religion amongst myself, my books, and rummaging through vintage crap. today is a good day. πŸ˜‰

call someone and tell them that you love them. enjoy your sabbath the way you know how……….

peace-

n.

we’ve already established….

that ive been an anxiety case walking billboard as of late.

cool.

it doesnt help that on a hike with a client 4 days ago we saw 3 snakes on the canyon. one of which was strangling and then shovelling the rat down its throat with great success. this can cause to “raise the roof” on a heart beat here and there…..

then i proceed to dream about snakes a few days later. 3 to be accurate.

in my dream i was completely glamoured and mesmerized by them (kinda how when you go off into a stare and you dont want to break the trance-like feeling of that stare because it feels so good). thats how i felt with these snakes. in my dream, i can remember negotiating with myself to override the fear and continue with being entranced with their charm a little longer.

last night i had a dream that i was talking to a group of acquaintances and a tooth just……fell out. how awesome would that be? not awesome at all.

so of course, i wake up, look up dreams about snakes and teeth just awesomely falling out…..and came across this…..

snakes can be a warning that eminent danger with people or situations is looming close by. and also fear of sexual experiences …hahaha ( i have to say, that one would not be applying to me…..just sayin’)

or positively dreaming of snakes can also denote intelligence, wisdom, (this is arguable in my case πŸ˜‰ ) and the shedding of skins to take on a new life approach.

and teeth falling out implies a fear over ailing health or business…..

so……its amazing how my sleep state is communicating with my waking state, be it a warning, anxiety, or the renewal shift thats going on with me. its quite peculiar to experience as i NEVER remember my dreams…to the point that i feel i dont even have dreams.

i read this this am:

“be conscious but never cautious. the distinction is very subtle. consciousness in not rooted in fear. caution is rooted in fear. one is cautious that one might never go wrong, but then one cannot go very far. the very fear will not allow you to investigate new lifestyles, new channels for your energy, new directions, new lands. you will always tread the same path again and again, shuttling backward and forward-like a freight train.”- OSHO

this is true. this is the lesson in one of my books that was for my day today…….im receiving signs everywhere to let go of fear. make note of things in my life that arent working and simply, fearlessly change them. and the goal is to not be cautious and fearful and frozen, but to be conscious and fluid and changeable. and besides snakes are good charm omens as well….thats what im choosing to see. and instead of “analysis paralysis” im choosing to see the snake devouring the rat as me swallowing my fear, killing them, stomaching them to dispel them altogether once and for all….

fearless peace my friends….one cant have peace if fear is present…so choose….

peace-

n.