mood to write.
well, let me rephrase. im being called, summoned, evoked to sit at my computer.
im just not in the effing mood to write about flowery shit or rainbows and unicorns.
thats not my truth today.
but i hunger to sit at these keys as i have so much energy within-that i need, for myself, and for the safety of people at close proximity, to get out. my thoughts are stampeding through my brain like wild stallions changing direction with the wind.
i think….A LOT.
and the “plague” has gotten worse as of late. im really good at finding things, boys, toys, shiny projects, or friends to distract me from my thoughts. im now fully present and distraction-free. i have shiny toy syndrome. i have one shiny toy. i feel bored or discomfort, and the next shiny toy that appears im off to investigate. not this time. i put down all my toys and they are in the toybox not to be touched.
im fully sitting in my discomfort.
im fully sitting in my shit.
im fully rattled and discombobulated.
we all have stress. we all have hidden variables in life….”such is life” as my mom says.
anyway, enough about me writing about or NOT writing about the aromas of life- i want to again, pimp this book i just finished.
THE WAR OF ART by Steven Pressfield
it is truly a great read.
it talks about our resistance, creativity, the battle between the two, and some other stuff as well.
i grew up in a very fundamental household in which i am truly grateful. it gave me extreme structure in a time in which i really utilized that structure and thrived. then i was able to look at that structure objectively and completely abolish that structure and create my own blurred lines and start at ground zero and build from the ground up. i even removed some lines to create the shape in which works for my life, and put some of that structure back into place.
all of that to get me here. i grew up feeling “guilty” for wanting to be creative. ive always had a creative streak in my own sense to the point where i would shut out the outside world for days on end and just sit in that “presence” and create….i very well could have been creating shit but it was my shit and i fostered it.
we are all creative beings. we are created by God who is the ultimate creator therefore we are creative. no guilt in that. it is a calling. this is where my writing comes into play. i say it all the time, i write and “purge” my chaos and beauty i see-for me. i have to or i hold it and implode. this blog is for me. it is a calling for me to self-heal. in the book Pressfield writes,”of any activity you do ask yourself, ‘if i were the last person on earth would i still do it?’…theres no one to impress. so, if you’d still pursue the activity, youre doing it purely*. if arnold schwarzenegger were the last man on earth, he’d still go to the gym. stevie wonder would still play the piano-this is where they find their center…if you were freaked out, where would you go first? if you were the last person would you still show up at the studio, at the rehearsal hall, the laboratory?”. i would write.
its like my sustenance.
its as if the waters calm.
or the feeling of when i have a hard time falling asleep and my mom covers me with a blanket, and in that instant i sleep to dream. (yes, im a grown woman and still love it when im tucked in)….not sorry about it.
peace sets in when i touch these keys and i battle with myself with thought, word and flow.
on the flip of his above stated quote, he also says this: “there is another* way proffered by the Lord of Discipline…that is to do the work and give it to Him. do it as an offering to God.
give the act to me.
purged of hope and ego.
fix your attention on the soul.
act and do for me.
the work comes from heaven anyway. why not give it back.”
ok, so all the feelings of guilt from “the need of attention” and resistance i have developed over the years out of fear of being selfish and in to myself…has really been a calling from my muse, gods, goddessess, and angels to grow……..and my desire to connect with them and they with me. we desire our outlets because it brings us back to self. to being. and we connect with our forces at hand that so carefully whisper to us to “be”.
i am about to head out for the night here in good ol’ hollyweird. but before i do, i needed to connect with me, and sometimes the greatest way for me to do so is to bounce the word off a screen and back to me again…..this is what i did. and im getting smarter with the gap in time in figuring out that when my frenetic energy is swelling, i need to SEE my thoughts before me to then process them.
i am probably a shrinks greatest dream to work with as i become a little crazy from time to time, but its all good….nothing wrong with a little crazy. i own it. i claim it.
“you have to go on and be crazy. craziness is like heaven.’- jimi hendrix
i think “crazy horse” is the one steering the stampede in my head. 😉
happy birthday, sis.