im not in the effing…

mood to write.

well, let me rephrase. im being called, summoned, evoked to sit at my computer.

im just not in the effing mood to write about flowery shit or rainbows and unicorns.

thats not my truth today.

but i hunger to sit at these keys as i have so much energy within-that i need, for myself, and for the safety of people at close proximity, to get out. my thoughts are stampeding through my brain like wild stallions changing direction with the wind.

i think….A LOT.

and the “plague” has gotten worse as of late. im really good at finding things, boys, toys, shiny projects, or friends to distract me from my thoughts. im now fully present and distraction-free. i have shiny toy syndrome. i have one shiny toy. i feel bored or discomfort, and the next shiny toy that appears im off to investigate. not this time. i put down all my toys and they are in the toybox not to be touched.

im fully sitting in my discomfort.
im fully sitting in my shit.
im fully rattled and discombobulated.

we all have stress. we all have hidden variables in life….”such is life” as my mom says.

anyway, enough about me writing about or NOT writing about the aromas of life- i want to again, pimp this book i just finished.

THE WAR OF ART by Steven Pressfield

it is truly a great read.

it talks about our resistance, creativity, the battle between the two, and some other stuff as well.

i grew up in a very fundamental household in which i am truly grateful. it gave me extreme structure in a time in which i really utilized that structure and thrived. then i was able to look at that structure objectively and completely abolish that structure and create my own blurred lines and start at ground zero and build from the ground up. i even removed some lines to create the shape in which works for my life, and put some of that structure back into place.

all of that to get me here. i grew up feeling “guilty” for wanting to be creative. ive always had a creative streak in my own sense to the point where i would shut out the outside world for days on end and just sit in that “presence” and create….i very well could have been creating shit but it was my shit and i fostered it.

we are all creative beings. we are created by God who is the ultimate creator therefore we are creative. no guilt in that. it is a calling. this is where my writing comes into play. i say it all the time, i write and “purge” my chaos and beauty i see-for me. i have to or i hold it and implode. this blog is for me. it is a calling for me to self-heal. in the book Pressfield writes,”of any activity you do ask yourself, ‘if i were the last person on earth would i still do it?’…theres no one to impress. so, if you’d still pursue the activity, youre doing it purely*. if arnold schwarzenegger were the last man on earth, he’d still go to the gym. stevie wonder would still play the piano-this is where they find their center…if you were freaked out, where would you go first? if you were the last person would you still show up at the studio, at the rehearsal hall, the laboratory?”. i would write.

its like my sustenance.
its as if the waters calm.
or the feeling of when i have a hard time falling asleep and my mom covers me with a blanket, and in that instant i sleep to dream. (yes, im a grown woman and still love it when im tucked in)….not sorry about it.

peace sets in when i touch these keys and i battle with myself with thought, word and flow.

on the flip of his above stated quote, he also says this: “there is another* way proffered by the Lord of Discipline…that is to do the work and give it to Him. do it as an offering to God.

give the act to me.
purged of hope and ego.
fix your attention on the soul.
act and do for me.

the work comes from heaven anyway. why not give it back.”

ok, so all the feelings of guilt from “the need of attention” and resistance i have developed over the years out of fear of being selfish and in to myself…has really been a calling from my muse, gods, goddessess, and angels to grow……..and my desire to connect with them and they with me. we desire our outlets because it brings us back to self. to being. and we connect with our forces at hand that so carefully whisper to us to “be”.

i am about to head out for the night here in good ol’ hollyweird. but before i do, i needed to connect with me, and sometimes the greatest way for me to do so is to bounce the word off a screen and back to me again…..this is what i did. and im getting smarter with the gap in time in figuring out that when my frenetic energy is swelling, i need to SEE my thoughts before me to then process them.

i am probably a shrinks greatest dream to work with as i become a little crazy from time to time, but its all good….nothing wrong with a little crazy. i own it. i claim it.

“you have to go on and be crazy. craziness is like heaven.’- jimi hendrix

i think “crazy horse” is the one steering the stampede in my head. 😉

(crazy) peace-


happy birthday, sis.

16 thoughts on “im not in the effing…

  1. YOU Inspire every part of me.. WOW!!!!! I LOVE reading all you write it consumes me.. LUV U XX

  2. nat, couldn’t have expressed it better myself… I just took a week last to get away & write… I loved it. Just sitting without intention hands on the keys tappity-tapping out thoughts before I could filter them. My truth, just flowing right out of me so I could see it reflected back to me. It is also my “space”, that and dancing – the things I’d do even if nobody could see…

  3. Hi Natalie. 🙂 I wrote the letter to you at one time. I’m reading your blog since when I discovered it. Your words are inspiring me. You are amazing person, full of love. You have your road in the life which you are following. I am admiring you. I got to know you watching Survivor. You are a strong personality. I would like to ask what’s up? How are they passing holidays for you? Have you contact with Survivor participants? What about Alexis, Parv? I dreamt, you would by in Survivor Heroes versus Villains. It is a pity that I could not watch you in this season. I have quiet hope, that I will see you in some season all-stars. Would you like to take part in Survivor again? I totally love this game. You are my fav forever! I am from Poland .I’m dreaming about meet Survivor participants live. For I’m dreaming about meeting you, to get to know you, to talk. Place my lived make hard this dream and making it impossible to fulfil this dream. But for faith, that if I very much want something, the entire universe will contribute to so that it comes true. At one time I wrote already to you, that with my dream, is to get your autograph. I am giving you link of the picture for you. I drew your portrait. I would like to give you the original and to ask for an autograph but it is impossible. I;m happy that i can give the link over to you to this picture. I hope that you enjoy this. There is link:

    Best wishes to you.

  4. hey Artur…..

    i remember you! weve spoken before.

    im speechless over the pic! its amazing! thank you so much!!!! i would so love to have the drawing!!!

    send me your address and we can switch pic for pic!!! 🙂 your indulgently sweet words are truly humbling thank you!



  5. Hi! Just amazing. I sent you my address to your e-mail:
    Today I will choose your photograph and I will draw the other portrair for you. It is honour for me to draw your portraits. I love drawing! A idea of switching pics is amazing. I’m so happy. When I will finish to draw the other picture I will send it here in order to show you.


  6. oh, i wasnt saying switch pictures to have you draw a new one…..i meant trade your drawing for a signed one by me that your requested!!! i love the one you drew… can always draw more….hahaha, but i hope you know what i mean…thank you!!!!!



  7. I know what you meant. It simply pleased me, that you had liked my picture. I like to draw and I draw every day, so nothing happened. You have many cool photographs, so is what to choose for drawing portraits. hah. It is a next picture for you.

    What go you think about it? I spent the hour above it.

    Did you get the e-mail with my address?


  8. I’ve read this way too many times. I am in love with the way you write. I think you need to be published!

    Any chance of another survivor?



  9. wow,

    thank you so much!!!!!!

    thats really kind of you to say!!!! if youre getting something out of it, that makes me happier than youll ever know!

    not sure about another survivor…….i guess we’ll see where the stars align and fall….

    be good!

    n. 🙂

  10. You’re welcome.
    Everything you write is just mesmerizing to me, seriously.
    You have such a talent.

    I’ll be looking out for your book someday (:


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