hmmmm, hump day……

today is a great day.

i woke up at 6:30am for no real reason, walked to my cafe at the end of my street grabbed my guilty espresso, had my morning thoughts, and am here now.

ive been going through my fair share of stress. its all relative-there are people out there with real problems. but in this process i have been metabolizing these fluctuations and stressors all by my lonesome. of course ive got friends and family to go to, yes, but i have been absorbing it, processing it, and moving through it without the distraction of someone taking it away for me.

one reason why i feel it is so painful and jarring this go round is that i am no longer playing the “blame game”. i used to looooove to pull the “victim card”. it always in the past seemed to ease the pain of my certain effed up scenario. it allowed me to put off any real growth or assessment. i was then free to wallow in, “what do i do now?” or “somebody help me” or “somebody needs to fix this”. well, not so much.

i am actually shedding my skin, (this was made aware to me by my dreams as of late) and its a bit painful. as my new, fresh, untainted skin is hitting the chilly air it feels a bit uncomfortable. however, its my NEW skin nonetheless. and with this new outlook and growth there is a gaining freedom in just taking full responsibility for my place right here and now.
no one did anything to me.
because i didnt get this or do that this happened.
if this wouldve gone down differently this wouldnt be the case.
if this person wouldnt have done this to me…

all these ridiculous theories and hypotheses on what, why and how….and none of it matters except for the fact that it all comes back to me. and as difficult as that may feel in the moment or how large a horse pill to swallow, it is actually quite empowering because now the only retracing of steps and new paths to proper maintenance only have to do with me. i dont have to deal or worry or coddle annnnnnnnnyone else.

its just me.

its empowering.
its freeing.

i hold all the responsibility and the power to change my current situation and prevent potential chaotic future ones. so theres really nothing that is really outwardly contingent. its all internal. of course things do rely on this job or this direction or if i buy this car…..but when everything is understood to be in my own power and i can discern one way or the other in which chess piece to play, its all good. everything can now be done at my own hand. i can take responsibility for the way my life looks, and love it or change it. it makes for a really clean living. when i play the blame game it becomes a movie with way too many dramatic actors, and lets be real, we all know i like being the star of my own show.

so keep it clean.
own your shit (and it stinks sometimes).
and be the star of your own show.

get it right and keep it tight.

and all this is by the grace of God.

“God, grant me the SERENITY
to accept the things i cannot change
the COURAGE to change the things i can,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.”

all this said with complete gratitude.

peace and my love to you-

n.

9 thoughts on “hmmmm, hump day……

  1. I can connect on every level as I read your thoughts. Its almost like hearing my self out loud amazing! You help me more than you will ever know you complete my every thougth.. YOU are MY Shining STAR *

  2. This one actually brought me to tears.
    Your words and thoughts are so powerful.
    I am just so amazed by you.

  3. Knight from f3 takes Bishop at d2.

    If your life were a show, what type of show would it be?

    (Variety show)
    Good evening America and the World! Iiiiiiiiiiit’s the Steven Williams Show! (Cheering)
    Tonight Steve’s guests are:
    ELLEN PAGE: to discuss her indie docudrama about Chuck Taylors effect on modern culture.
    NATALIE BOLTON: fitness guru, actress and model to talk about her Emmy nomination for her portrayal of a body on Law and Order: Los Angeles!
    AND MUSICAL GUESTS: IGGY POP, LADY GAGA AND THE ROOTS!
    Baaaaa bop-bop Baaaa, baaaaaa…. (Old TONIGHT SHOW theme)
    (Curtain rises, Steve exits wearing dark gray Armani. Crowds cheering intensify)
    Thank you! Thank you! It was sooo hot in Los Angeles today…
    (Audience) HOW HOT WAS IT?!?!? (Laughter)
    It was sooo hot that…

    (Groovy 1970’s police show)
    Black screen
    THEME FROM SHAFT BEGINS
    Fade in on aerial view of San Francisco from bay low flying helicopter over Alcatraz island skimming inches above the cold bay water. In the distance a lone figure comes into focus, standing at the end of Pier 39. The shot zooms in closer and closer and at the last second Steve, dresses in blue jeans, white t shirt leather jacket and aviator sunglasses, turns dramatically to face the camera whipping off the aviator and raising one eyebrow.
    “They say that cat Steve is a Baa-aad mutha-shut yo mouth!”

    (Romantic Comedy)
    I am a 41 year old single man who has never had kids and is not gay… do I really need to make a joke here? Is it not obvious what a joke my sex life really is? Don’t get me wrong, when it has been good, it has been EPIC. I mean I could write porn, but really? Dude. I always thought I would grow up, find the girl, fall in love, get married and have 2.5 kids in the suburbs with a mortgage and a dog named Sasha. Instead here I sit with healthy collection of passport stamps, old photos and a book of old lover’s phone numbers. I just know she’s out there somewhere…
    (Enter former girlfriend Jennifer Aniston as love interest, who has just robbed a bank. Add Steve Buscemi and Chazz Palminteri as the FBI chasing her, and Tony Sirico and Vincent Pastore as the mobsters she owes money to, which is why she robbed the bank all chasing them across the US visiting such recognizable landmarks as Times Square, Washington Monument, St Luis Arch, Dallas Cowboys Stadium, Grand Canyon ending with a huge explosive shootout in the Kodak Theater during the Oscars. The bad guys are found out to be at the heart of the crime, and as the Oscar is announced for best actor of Pauly Shore’s remake of Citizen Kane, Steve and Jennifer find each other amid the chaos, and kiss passionately. Fade to black.)

    (Science Fiction)
    Battlestar Galactica meets Star Trek meets Debbie Does Dallas. You can be Starbuck and I will be Captain Kirk and figure it can take place in Texas. Don’t mess with Starfleet. Don’t Tread on Mr. Spock. Remember the Cylons. Beyond the Green Holodeck. Kinda gives new meaning to the “Captain’s Log.” “Damnit Natalie, I’m a doctor, not a contortionist!” Bow chica bow bow!

    Heavy sigh.

    (1970’s sitcom)
    (Theme to SOAP)
    Will Chester kill himself after finding Danny and Annie together in bed?
    Will Burt be ambushed by his political enemies?
    Was Jessica executed by the Communist firing squad?
    Will Steve ever find true love?
    Will Natalie ever realize her true destiny?
    These questions—and many others—will be answered in the next episode of The Steven Williams Show!
    (Run add for Ricearoni, the San Francisco treat)

    Yes. My life is my own show. I am a star. Want my autograph?

  4. Pingback: If your life was a TV show… « Ronin Sherpa

  5. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT, I FI COULD JUST BE INSIDE YOUR BRAIN FOR LIKE A WEEK……THE NEW WORLD I WOULD BE OPENED UP TO!!!!! I ❤ U!!!!!!!

  6. I think you need to come over to Calgary Canada and party it up.
    You’ve got a few fans out here! (:

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