today is a great day.
i woke up at 6:30am for no real reason, walked to my cafe at the end of my street grabbed my guilty espresso, had my morning thoughts, and am here now.
ive been going through my fair share of stress. its all relative-there are people out there with real problems. but in this process i have been metabolizing these fluctuations and stressors all by my lonesome. of course ive got friends and family to go to, yes, but i have been absorbing it, processing it, and moving through it without the distraction of someone taking it away for me.
one reason why i feel it is so painful and jarring this go round is that i am no longer playing the “blame game”. i used to looooove to pull the “victim card”. it always in the past seemed to ease the pain of my certain effed up scenario. it allowed me to put off any real growth or assessment. i was then free to wallow in, “what do i do now?” or “somebody help me” or “somebody needs to fix this”. well, not so much.
i am actually shedding my skin, (this was made aware to me by my dreams as of late) and its a bit painful. as my new, fresh, untainted skin is hitting the chilly air it feels a bit uncomfortable. however, its my NEW skin nonetheless. and with this new outlook and growth there is a gaining freedom in just taking full responsibility for my place right here and now.
no one did anything to me.
because i didnt get this or do that this happened.
if this wouldve gone down differently this wouldnt be the case.
if this person wouldnt have done this to me…
all these ridiculous theories and hypotheses on what, why and how….and none of it matters except for the fact that it all comes back to me. and as difficult as that may feel in the moment or how large a horse pill to swallow, it is actually quite empowering because now the only retracing of steps and new paths to proper maintenance only have to do with me. i dont have to deal or worry or coddle annnnnnnnnyone else.
its just me.
i hold all the responsibility and the power to change my current situation and prevent potential chaotic future ones. so theres really nothing that is really outwardly contingent. its all internal. of course things do rely on this job or this direction or if i buy this car…..but when everything is understood to be in my own power and i can discern one way or the other in which chess piece to play, its all good. everything can now be done at my own hand. i can take responsibility for the way my life looks, and love it or change it. it makes for a really clean living. when i play the blame game it becomes a movie with way too many dramatic actors, and lets be real, we all know i like being the star of my own show.
so keep it clean.
own your shit (and it stinks sometimes).
and be the star of your own show.
get it right and keep it tight.
and all this is by the grace of God.
“God, grant me the SERENITY
to accept the things i cannot change
the COURAGE to change the things i can,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.”
all this said with complete gratitude.
peace and my love to you-