its saturday……..

so what about it????

the sunset music festival is going on….im deciding if i wanna go or not. the draw is that billy corgan is performing with the smashing pumpkins for the first time in like 10 years. im all over it…..on the other hand, i could also get a lot of work done, party my ass off tonight….or, a little of all the above. this is what saturday is looking like.

anyway, on to a subject somewhat……

im such a late bloomer. i truly am in some senses of the term.

i was travelling the world at a young age. i was intuitive early on as well…..blah di blah….

but some things are just coming later now….but as drake would say, “better late than never, but never late is better…”

anyway, had to release my rap line for the day……

i feel like ive lived my entire life for other people. i was always afraid to be selfish, or to go after what i wanted, or to risk being hated. basically, i grew up pleasing people until my knuckles bled.

those days are over.

and what some people learn early on, seemed to have taken me quite some time, but no time better than the present!

but what im finally gettin hip to is that i need to live my life for me.

growing up i lived my life for parents (you sorta have to).

i lived my life for church.

i lived my life for elders.

i lived my life for relationships.

i lived my life for people to like me.

i lived my life that people wouldnt think poorly of me.

i lived my life for shock factor.

all of these things i fluctuated essentially at the mercy of the external.

whats finnnnnally making sense is that i am living for myself. no one else. no distractions. no hoops of fire to jump through.

i take time to grow quiet in my thoughts to assess where i am at.
if im happy.
if im on the path i want to be on.
if i feel fulfilled.
and if any of the answers to these questions are no…what i will do to change the course?

this is where i am today before i go and party like a rockstar….(ha, that rarely happens as i have zero liquor tolerance.)

Mr. Einstein had it going on when he said, “Each of us is here for a brief sojourn; for what purpose he knows not, though he senses it. But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people.”

ive gotten a bit familiar with the internal and external locus of control and their attributes as i have researched behavioral patterns just for shits and giggles.

one who operates with an internal locus of control is controlled primarily by internal feelings, nudges, and prompts to course their external reality. on the other hand, one who is influenced by the external locus of control is controlled and manipulated by what is going on around them externally.

i have shifted a lot from external to internal. and it is really starting to work out for me. for so long ive lived according to what was going on around me and i would chase this way or that way depending on how it pleased me. it grows tiring to say the least. now, im really trying to sit in an inner still place to hear the direction in which i am to go, and how internally these decisions i make will affect the external reality i choose to create. im learning (and its hard) to not be completely influenced by what appears to be going on around me. i am trying to stay true to course from internal out.

annnnnd internally today, i feel like a movie, i feel like dinner, i feel like dancing, i feel like possibly smashing pumpkins…..so externally today on saturday, i feel like its going to end up being a great *effing day.

peace-

n.

ill ask for forgiveness at church tomorrow morning!

7 thoughts on “its saturday……..

  1. AHHHHHHHHHHHH I so love to read your thoughts .. Go party like a ROCK Star sista so wish I was there to party with you it would be unforgetable!! LUV U!XXXX

  2. You should be a motivational speaker, you could change so many people’s lives.

    Wow just wow.
    All I can say is the people who are close to you are lucky to know you. You really are something special.

  3. Inside and outside. Left and right. Up and down. I understand the struggle with self, as we have blogged about here many times. Of late I have had the experience of coming to know my parents as adults and as an adult. My father is 71 this year, and has some pretty serious health issues. Like you, he suffers from scoliosis. However he also has an accelerated case of osteoporosis. We believe it happened or was made worse, because of a medicine he was on to control his epileptic seizures. Bla bla bla, live long enough and we all have issues, right? Real life is not like the movies where we go down in a blazing gunfight saving the orphans and nuns from the drug cartel… (But Sister Mary Elephant does still send me a fruit cake on the holidays…)
    While Dad is my hero, Mom has always been the glue that held our family together. She is a powerful woman with a strong sense of right and wrong. She has enough raw gumption to force the world to bend to her will with a mere gesture or look.
    Getting to know them as an adult, I have come to understand more of what love and relationships really can be about. The choice to share your life with someone is one of sacrifice and compromise but also rewarding on another level altogether. It is unconditionally allowing someone to know and understand who you are, but also allowing yourself to be changed and continually reformed by them. It is a give and take beyond my complete comprehension.
    I have reflected on my own relationships and life choices with this and discovered that I have no regrets. Mom and Dad will have been together for 50 years shortly. While this is likely something I will never be able to achieve because I am now 41, but I have been able to see their relationship progress and form into what it is today. While they are my parents, they are also the longest and most intimate relationship I have known in my life.
    Inside the last 5 years, I lost my two remaining grandparents, (my mother’s parents) Their relationship was abusive, codependent and just out and out bad. Granny was a saint and Charlie was a puss filled maggot from the ass of hell. (but that’s another story) Comparatively speaking, my parents are the model I seek out for relationships. My issue is I always end up with the swinging biker chic, drinking peyote tea, racing naked in the desert or some such foolishness.
    For the last few years, my life story has been one of self discovery, self exploration and trying to figure out just where in this crazy world I fit in, and what I have ultimately discovered is that in the end, even if my family, and loved ones are standing around the bed, it is just gonna be me going away from here. I got here alone, and I will leave alone, but what matters most is how I can help the other people my life impacts, while I am here. Making a positive difference in someone else’s world is what Mom and Dad have shown me, time and time again. I am not ashamed to say that anytime I have asked for advice, they have been right. Do good, be good, and don’t hang out with peyote drinking, naked, swinging biker chics in the desert, because they will break your heart and steal your wallet.
    I have traveled and seen lots of the world I have wanted to see. I have kept my own hours and bought the things I wanted to own when I felt the time was right and kept no one’s council on my personal decisions. While I have followed the ebb and flow of society as it worked for me, I’ve never felt at odds bucking the system and dropping everything to chase my fancy. (Do people still say “chase my fancy?”)
    “Life is short, taste the fruit” was my mantra.
    Today, my heart longs for love. I have chosen to live the life of a gypsy and again I hold no regrets. However, today the idea of taking 20-30 years to explore a woman’s body, mind and spirit is appealing.
    Life shared sounds pretty cool. Maybe I am just getting old. Wanna go to the desert?

  4. Pingback: external to internal and beyond… « Ronin Sherpa

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