so what about it????
the sunset music festival is going on….im deciding if i wanna go or not. the draw is that billy corgan is performing with the smashing pumpkins for the first time in like 10 years. im all over it…..on the other hand, i could also get a lot of work done, party my ass off tonight….or, a little of all the above. this is what saturday is looking like.
anyway, on to a subject somewhat……
im such a late bloomer. i truly am in some senses of the term.
i was travelling the world at a young age. i was intuitive early on as well…..blah di blah….
but some things are just coming later now….but as drake would say, “better late than never, but never late is better…”
anyway, had to release my rap line for the day……
i feel like ive lived my entire life for other people. i was always afraid to be selfish, or to go after what i wanted, or to risk being hated. basically, i grew up pleasing people until my knuckles bled.
those days are over.
and what some people learn early on, seemed to have taken me quite some time, but no time better than the present!
but what im finally gettin hip to is that i need to live my life for me.
growing up i lived my life for parents (you sorta have to).
i lived my life for church.
i lived my life for elders.
i lived my life for relationships.
i lived my life for people to like me.
i lived my life that people wouldnt think poorly of me.
i lived my life for shock factor.
all of these things i fluctuated essentially at the mercy of the external.
whats finnnnnally making sense is that i am living for myself. no one else. no distractions. no hoops of fire to jump through.
i take time to grow quiet in my thoughts to assess where i am at.
if im happy.
if im on the path i want to be on.
if i feel fulfilled.
and if any of the answers to these questions are no…what i will do to change the course?
this is where i am today before i go and party like a rockstar….(ha, that rarely happens as i have zero liquor tolerance.)
Mr. Einstein had it going on when he said, “Each of us is here for a brief sojourn; for what purpose he knows not, though he senses it. But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people.”
ive gotten a bit familiar with the internal and external locus of control and their attributes as i have researched behavioral patterns just for shits and giggles.
one who operates with an internal locus of control is controlled primarily by internal feelings, nudges, and prompts to course their external reality. on the other hand, one who is influenced by the external locus of control is controlled and manipulated by what is going on around them externally.
i have shifted a lot from external to internal. and it is really starting to work out for me. for so long ive lived according to what was going on around me and i would chase this way or that way depending on how it pleased me. it grows tiring to say the least. now, im really trying to sit in an inner still place to hear the direction in which i am to go, and how internally these decisions i make will affect the external reality i choose to create. im learning (and its hard) to not be completely influenced by what appears to be going on around me. i am trying to stay true to course from internal out.
annnnnd internally today, i feel like a movie, i feel like dinner, i feel like dancing, i feel like possibly smashing pumpkins…..so externally today on saturday, i feel like its going to end up being a great *effing day.
ill ask for forgiveness at church tomorrow morning!