my brain is ….

fried.

i didnt do jack-all all weekend. i chilled and relaxed with friends. now, its monday, and i have to say, ive been quite productive.

i have been a bit stressed out as my life is changing itself a bit. but im getting up under it. its so beautiful here right now as i type away. weve had such a mild summer. i look around me and in the midst of stress, i choose gratitude.

i love my life.

i love my advances.

i love my set backs.

i love the pain.

i love the pleasure.

if we didnt face challenges and come out on the other side, would we know true joy and happiness? would we even feel alive without challenges? thats the question that was presented to me in church yesterday. so i took it upon myself to subscribe to a belief in happiness and gratitude in the struggle. for out of the struggle is a gift. and most likely in the struggle is a gift as well. this is damn hard and at times seems virtually impossible to completely adhere to. however, in this acceptance and belief in this peaceful joy in the struggle is where the quiet comes in.

just from around march have i been sitting in silence organizing my thoughts, not judging them, and removing the negative ones from my space. and now were approaching september, and i have grown to crave and hunger for this quiet time. i need it like a baby needs a bottle. i crave it like a junkie needs a fix. and im quite dependent these days. i wake up, make my coffee, sit in silence and ease into my day. i think of myself joining forces with a strength greater than myself, and it puts my anxiety at ease. this doesnt mean that all my problems and inconveniences vanish. i dont claim that prayer and meditation is magic like, “poof! your world is now struggle/drama free!!!!!” no. it just seems to help me assess with a clear-head the next indicated step without crazy panic or chaos-making drama.

peace comes from within.

its still taking me a hot minute to let this settle in, as my knee-jerk is to run to someone else or to something else….i seem to always want someone else to fix my shit for me. but, it doesnt work that way. TRUE PEACE COMES FROM WITHIN.

people close to me this week have listened to my drama about this and that. business this, deal that. just simply life, and in this time i had to coddle myself and dig deep to find peace when everything was pointing to no peace. i had to build a bridge there, and i was a one man-construction team……i wanted so badly for my exterior to change to make me feel better. that gift doesnt always come. and again, i had to sit with that and move through it.

“Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances.”- Gandhi

so, as i quit trying so desperately to have my world change, i am changing the way i view it. i can choose to see it another way, and search for the gift in what is. and what is, is that peace is always there. its always there like a stream, always minding its own business. its always flowing and it never runs dry and its not intrusive. its function is to provide clean water but it doesnt put itself on me to drink. i have to make the choice to bend down cup my hands and sip away. thats the gift. the realization that its always there and ever generous.

so introduce yourself to peace. its there, its just up to you to warm yourself up to it. even if you stumble upon it through clenched teeth…..its there.

all my best-

n.

5 thoughts on “my brain is ….

  1. You are living proof of what a strong independent women should be. I would fufill all happiness if I grew up with even a little bit of your wisdom and charisma.
    I find it incredible how you can put such deep emotions onto paper.
    You deserve all the love you receive.

  2. Your thought Move Me like you would not believe. As I started reading this tears streamed down my cheeks and as I came to the end I felt overwhelming Peace surround me.. Always know one thing.. I love u Natty girl~~ox

  3. i wouldnt begin to call myself wise…charismatic and passionate, maybe, but wise…..not so much, but thank you. i would bet that you are a lot more progressed and evolved than you might think. the fact that you read my blogs that deal with spirit, intuition, love, peace, and all metaphysical things….you are definitely a seeker of sorts. seeking a higher answer proves that you have an intelligent curiosity about you….so dont cut yourself short, little lady!

    xxo-
    n.

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