my sis and i….

are very intuitive.

well, we all are, actually…some of us just a little more open and practiced to it, i guess.

i went to my sis’ place yesterday for a pool party. i arrived late as i wasnt feeling the energy to be “on” in front of a lot of people. so, at party’s close we started cleaning up and talking. of course, 3 hours later, we hashed out our trials and tribulations, caught up on life, and connected like sisters do.

she proceeded during our chat to tell me that she had a dream about me. a harmful dream in which i was lead into danger. and i must say this, my sister and i are very complex with one another as we both have extremely strong personalities, and “feel” almost too much for our own good. so, all of that being said, we take each others intuitive visions and thoughts to heart even if it may be painful to hear.

she was on point with her dream of me. this is what we discussed and hashed out. and i told her about my dreams and visions as of late, and all the dots were connected.

its actually funny because i think we get our intuition and 6th sense from our dad. intuition is usually categorized belonging to women, but my dad somewhere along the way developed a pretty strong sensibility for “knowing”. he is so spot on with his gut feeling it was always scary when we were kids. nothing got past him, unfortunately.

so…the point of this post is to say that i had amazing quality catch up time with my sis. and that she helped in guiding me in the direction i already know to be my true north, as she dreamt it for me and needed to pass it along.

today is sunday, my favorite day of the week…..church, flea market on fairfax, gym…..but today, i think im skipping church, and im gonna make my own religion amongst myself, my books, and rummaging through vintage crap. today is a good day. 😉

call someone and tell them that you love them. enjoy your sabbath the way you know how……….

peace-

n.

we’ve already established….

that ive been an anxiety case walking billboard as of late.

cool.

it doesnt help that on a hike with a client 4 days ago we saw 3 snakes on the canyon. one of which was strangling and then shovelling the rat down its throat with great success. this can cause to “raise the roof” on a heart beat here and there…..

then i proceed to dream about snakes a few days later. 3 to be accurate.

in my dream i was completely glamoured and mesmerized by them (kinda how when you go off into a stare and you dont want to break the trance-like feeling of that stare because it feels so good). thats how i felt with these snakes. in my dream, i can remember negotiating with myself to override the fear and continue with being entranced with their charm a little longer.

last night i had a dream that i was talking to a group of acquaintances and a tooth just……fell out. how awesome would that be? not awesome at all.

so of course, i wake up, look up dreams about snakes and teeth just awesomely falling out…..and came across this…..

snakes can be a warning that eminent danger with people or situations is looming close by. and also fear of sexual experiences …hahaha ( i have to say, that one would not be applying to me…..just sayin’)

or positively dreaming of snakes can also denote intelligence, wisdom, (this is arguable in my case 😉 ) and the shedding of skins to take on a new life approach.

and teeth falling out implies a fear over ailing health or business…..

so……its amazing how my sleep state is communicating with my waking state, be it a warning, anxiety, or the renewal shift thats going on with me. its quite peculiar to experience as i NEVER remember my dreams…to the point that i feel i dont even have dreams.

i read this this am:

“be conscious but never cautious. the distinction is very subtle. consciousness in not rooted in fear. caution is rooted in fear. one is cautious that one might never go wrong, but then one cannot go very far. the very fear will not allow you to investigate new lifestyles, new channels for your energy, new directions, new lands. you will always tread the same path again and again, shuttling backward and forward-like a freight train.”- OSHO

this is true. this is the lesson in one of my books that was for my day today…….im receiving signs everywhere to let go of fear. make note of things in my life that arent working and simply, fearlessly change them. and the goal is to not be cautious and fearful and frozen, but to be conscious and fluid and changeable. and besides snakes are good charm omens as well….thats what im choosing to see. and instead of “analysis paralysis” im choosing to see the snake devouring the rat as me swallowing my fear, killing them, stomaching them to dispel them altogether once and for all….

fearless peace my friends….one cant have peace if fear is present…so choose….

peace-

n.

“A smile starts on the lips, a grin spreads to the eyes…

a chuckle comes from the belly; but a good laugh bursts forth from the soul, overflows, and bubbles all around.” this was said by Carolyn Birmingham and I would have to agree.

Here in Hollywood, and everywhere else for that matter, we take ourselves way too damn seriously. we get caught up in image, what people see in to our lives and personas. the facts of what car we drive and whether we live over the hill or in the city seems to “make” us. we get caught on this hamster wheel and find ourselves so completely out of breath, and then the hollowness sets in upon realization. what is this hollowness? its the space where we didnt pause to laugh.

A COURSE IN MIRACLES, which is a spiritual practice i am implementing in my daily life says this: “We are merely experiencing this “dream of separation” from God because of the …”tiny, mad idea in which the Son of God forgot to laugh. …” -we as humans, as spiritual beings long to be connected to our higher power. whether we realize it or not we crave so badly to not feel “separated”. we are after all, pack animals. once we chose laughter, we are rejoined to that joyous space inside us that cannot be defiled.

OSHO wrote this:

“Laughter is the easiest thing in the world if you allow it, but it has become hard. people laugh very rarely, and even when they laugh it is not true. people laugh as if they are obliging someone, as if they are fulfilling a certain duty. laughter is fun. you are not obliging anybody! you should not laugh to make somebody else happy, because if you are not happy, you cannot make anybody else happy. you should simply laugh of your own accord, without waiting for reasons to laugh. if you start looking into things, you will not be able to stop laughing. everything is simply perfect for laughter-nothing is lacking-but we wont allow it. we are very miserly…miserly about laughter, about love, about life. once you know miserliness can be dropped, you move into a different dimension. laughter is the real religion. everything else is just metaphysics.”

have you ever seen a baby that is tickled to sheer laughter it is uncontrollable? their whole body convulses with this uncontainable energy. its completely instinctual and evolutionarily basic. they are not worried what they look like or that they will be judged, they simply laugh. can you remember times maybe yesterday, maybe not since you were ten, or maybe at that slumber party 15 years ago when you reallllly belly laughed? it feels so damn good. its healing, its therapeutic, and its a gift we were blessed with. we just simply dont cash in on it as much as we should.

ive got to take a beat and laugh. even laugh at myself. yesterday, two of my very close friends on separate occasion called me “weird”. one said, “you are such a weird girl, nat. you’re bizarre, and you are so curious. you are curious about everything in life…you’re just weird.” later last night another friend said, “nat, youre such a weirdo. i think you are amazing, i would love to see the world through your eyes.”…well, i could become very concerned that 2 people in one day said almost the same thing to me/about me. but i embrace it and i laugh. i am a strange bird. i know i am, but then again, i dont think so. but regardless, i can laugh…

and if osho says that laughter is the real religion…lets become religious together….i will worship you, and you worship me. in this moment of laughter we will find our holiness.

peace and laughter,

n.

these are literally…..

my first thoughts as i abuse my feet and remove them from their warm womb and place them on the cold, uninviting hardwoods….

coffee.
god, i need to brush my teeth.
wheres my purse?
what did i eat yesterday?
bills.
todays leg day……….

its monday everybody.

i welcome mondays as if they are a challenge starting at the base of everest, then by friday ive summited (hopefully).

i had a great day yesterday. it was my besties birthday and we bbq’d, had friends over, (i even went out on a limb and invited new friends that came), we had a great time…..and there was a lot of patron. 😉

today is where i wake feeling new, with a laundry list of things to accomplish in my OCD mind. the feeling of elation i get marking off small, medium, or large duties off my list is one that cant be duplicated.

ive shared before that im reading “THE WAR OF ART” by Steven Pressfield. its amazing. its helping me, educating me, introducing me to the woes of what our lives revolve around causing so us such misery.

RESISTANCE.

“first unhappiness. we feel like hell. a low-grade misery pervades everything. we’re bored, were restless. we cant get no satisfaction. theres guilt but we cant put our finger on the source. we want to go back to bed; we want to get up and party. we are disgusted. we hate our lives. we hate ourselves….sounds like life, i know. it isnt. its resistance.”

a lot of days i wake feeling just like this. so overwhelmed that it would just be easier to stay in bed. besides, whats the point? if i accomplish this, theres still alllllllll these other things that i have to tackle as well.

i cant resist today.

i have a little more strength than usual. i have to use it for my advantage right now and take on the day. we all feel resistance on some level from one day to the next……

push through.
its so hard, but its the only thing that holds us back from getting to the top of everest by friday. think about it. if we were resisting all the way up everest or even just at one particular point up the mountain….we would die. we cant just stay there in those conditions for too long meandering. we would die. this is the same. its just a slower process and a longer suicide. push through. one step in front of the other…..im with you on this.

happy monday…..

peace-

n.

the INVITATION…

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.
It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

i went out last night with my girlfriends. i have the most beautiful friends in the world……externally, yes, but internally………exquisite.

my teenage mentor who i will leave nameless (R.L.) said to me when i was 17…he said, “natalie, work on your character. make who you are on the inside beautiful…you wont always be able to rely on your looks.”…..that hit me like a brick. a) because it was a little pre-reprimanding-i felt like i was wrong in something. b) i never thought i was pretty growing up-so it was difficult for me to even really understand and process what he was saying-i felt that it didnt apply to me. c) as i matured i got what he was saying years years and years later.

which brings us to now. (what im writing about in this moment is a tangent as it has nothing to do with “THE INVITATION”…im just free-styling and my heart is opening up with my thoughts…..bear with me).

now.

dinner last night with my girlfriends.

jac- beautiful, strong, talented, generous, and my most trusted confidant.
caroline-stunning, and refreshingly open to positivity
nikki-powerful, beautifully enchanting and passionate

picture this: four women, bottle of wine #1, dinner, amazing conversation, bottle of wine #2, more convo…..

i am blessed with how jac loves me and supports me, and i look up to her.
i admire carolines purity.
i relate to nikki A LOT, even though shes hungarian, there are soooooo many similarities with how we see the world.

this was my wednesday night…

today,

i
wake
up
a
little
hungover……….

but it brings me to a solemn, introspective place.

i am not feeling my most powerful, assured, clear self as of late.

i find myself in a great place of need and want and desire. the buddha says that, “desire and ignorance is the root of all suffering.” heres my answer in plain text. im desiring this, and desiring that. unhappy with this. feel discontent with that. but im practicing ignorance by not asserting myself in the avenues in which change will manifest-i am…but hesitantly, slowly, and lethargically. im just idling and my appetite for disenchantment is feeding itself and growing.

i need that fire back. where did it go? does it matter where the hell it went? i think i just need to recreate it from within. its there, it never died. we all have an ever-lit vital flame kindling inside our being. i want to fuel it again.

i was reminded of this poem, “the invitation” by oriah mountain dreamer i used to have taped on my mirror….i read back over it today…….

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing. (my heart is aching to tell me its desires, i just need to listen and honor it).

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive….( i used to take myself so seriously, now…i want to be a fool for something, love, a dream, myself, an adventure….otherwise, im just a fool…..and for nothing).

I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain… (i think i touched on this very point a post ago….it takes real fortitude to touch that sorrow and not become shrivelled and closed).

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it…. (the simplest yet most difficult task in our humanity….to just BE).

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human… ( its so ironically comical how we cry about “just wanting to be happy”, then when we actually can attain that happiness at our fingertips, we cant hold it. we push it away. fuck limitations, and fuck regulations……i choose unabashed happiness).

I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back… (this could be for those in my life, yah, who’s my ride or die? who’s got me? but more importantly, will i show up for myself? can i walk through my own fire? will i show up?).

I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away…. ( what sustains me?…….thats a very good question. i think that sustenance lies so deep at my juicy center that its so purely untouched i just need to resource it….).

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments…. (this can be a hard one. to sit in your own silent space. last night i was with amazing girls. drinking and dancing and furthering our intoxication. it was gorgeous. but now i am alone, swimming in my own thoughts and emotion, and i’d have to say im digging the company, and theres nowhere else i’d rather be…well, theres a few places that could be nice….)

from a drunken night with my girls to a quiet solace alone….this is my life……..

and i extend “the invitation” for you to see the beauty of yours…..because its just that…..all of it….its beautiful.

peace………..

n.