“A smile starts on the lips, a grin spreads to the eyes…

a chuckle comes from the belly; but a good laugh bursts forth from the soul, overflows, and bubbles all around.” this was said by Carolyn Birmingham and I would have to agree.

Here in Hollywood, and everywhere else for that matter, we take ourselves way too damn seriously. we get caught up in image, what people see in to our lives and personas. the facts of what car we drive and whether we live over the hill or in the city seems to “make” us. we get caught on this hamster wheel and find ourselves so completely out of breath, and then the hollowness sets in upon realization. what is this hollowness? its the space where we didnt pause to laugh.

A COURSE IN MIRACLES, which is a spiritual practice i am implementing in my daily life says this: “We are merely experiencing this “dream of separation” from God because of the …”tiny, mad idea in which the Son of God forgot to laugh. …” -we as humans, as spiritual beings long to be connected to our higher power. whether we realize it or not we crave so badly to not feel “separated”. we are after all, pack animals. once we chose laughter, we are rejoined to that joyous space inside us that cannot be defiled.

OSHO wrote this:

“Laughter is the easiest thing in the world if you allow it, but it has become hard. people laugh very rarely, and even when they laugh it is not true. people laugh as if they are obliging someone, as if they are fulfilling a certain duty. laughter is fun. you are not obliging anybody! you should not laugh to make somebody else happy, because if you are not happy, you cannot make anybody else happy. you should simply laugh of your own accord, without waiting for reasons to laugh. if you start looking into things, you will not be able to stop laughing. everything is simply perfect for laughter-nothing is lacking-but we wont allow it. we are very miserly…miserly about laughter, about love, about life. once you know miserliness can be dropped, you move into a different dimension. laughter is the real religion. everything else is just metaphysics.”

have you ever seen a baby that is tickled to sheer laughter it is uncontrollable? their whole body convulses with this uncontainable energy. its completely instinctual and evolutionarily basic. they are not worried what they look like or that they will be judged, they simply laugh. can you remember times maybe yesterday, maybe not since you were ten, or maybe at that slumber party 15 years ago when you reallllly belly laughed? it feels so damn good. its healing, its therapeutic, and its a gift we were blessed with. we just simply dont cash in on it as much as we should.

ive got to take a beat and laugh. even laugh at myself. yesterday, two of my very close friends on separate occasion called me “weird”. one said, “you are such a weird girl, nat. you’re bizarre, and you are so curious. you are curious about everything in life…you’re just weird.” later last night another friend said, “nat, youre such a weirdo. i think you are amazing, i would love to see the world through your eyes.”…well, i could become very concerned that 2 people in one day said almost the same thing to me/about me. but i embrace it and i laugh. i am a strange bird. i know i am, but then again, i dont think so. but regardless, i can laugh…

and if osho says that laughter is the real religion…lets become religious together….i will worship you, and you worship me. in this moment of laughter we will find our holiness.

peace and laughter,

n.

these are literally…..

my first thoughts as i abuse my feet and remove them from their warm womb and place them on the cold, uninviting hardwoods….

coffee.
god, i need to brush my teeth.
wheres my purse?
what did i eat yesterday?
bills.
todays leg day……….

its monday everybody.

i welcome mondays as if they are a challenge starting at the base of everest, then by friday ive summited (hopefully).

i had a great day yesterday. it was my besties birthday and we bbq’d, had friends over, (i even went out on a limb and invited new friends that came), we had a great time…..and there was a lot of patron. 😉

today is where i wake feeling new, with a laundry list of things to accomplish in my OCD mind. the feeling of elation i get marking off small, medium, or large duties off my list is one that cant be duplicated.

ive shared before that im reading “THE WAR OF ART” by Steven Pressfield. its amazing. its helping me, educating me, introducing me to the woes of what our lives revolve around causing so us such misery.

RESISTANCE.

“first unhappiness. we feel like hell. a low-grade misery pervades everything. we’re bored, were restless. we cant get no satisfaction. theres guilt but we cant put our finger on the source. we want to go back to bed; we want to get up and party. we are disgusted. we hate our lives. we hate ourselves….sounds like life, i know. it isnt. its resistance.”

a lot of days i wake feeling just like this. so overwhelmed that it would just be easier to stay in bed. besides, whats the point? if i accomplish this, theres still alllllllll these other things that i have to tackle as well.

i cant resist today.

i have a little more strength than usual. i have to use it for my advantage right now and take on the day. we all feel resistance on some level from one day to the next……

push through.
its so hard, but its the only thing that holds us back from getting to the top of everest by friday. think about it. if we were resisting all the way up everest or even just at one particular point up the mountain….we would die. we cant just stay there in those conditions for too long meandering. we would die. this is the same. its just a slower process and a longer suicide. push through. one step in front of the other…..im with you on this.

happy monday…..

peace-

n.

the INVITATION…

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.
It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

i went out last night with my girlfriends. i have the most beautiful friends in the world……externally, yes, but internally………exquisite.

my teenage mentor who i will leave nameless (R.L.) said to me when i was 17…he said, “natalie, work on your character. make who you are on the inside beautiful…you wont always be able to rely on your looks.”…..that hit me like a brick. a) because it was a little pre-reprimanding-i felt like i was wrong in something. b) i never thought i was pretty growing up-so it was difficult for me to even really understand and process what he was saying-i felt that it didnt apply to me. c) as i matured i got what he was saying years years and years later.

which brings us to now. (what im writing about in this moment is a tangent as it has nothing to do with “THE INVITATION”…im just free-styling and my heart is opening up with my thoughts…..bear with me).

now.

dinner last night with my girlfriends.

jac- beautiful, strong, talented, generous, and my most trusted confidant.
caroline-stunning, and refreshingly open to positivity
nikki-powerful, beautifully enchanting and passionate

picture this: four women, bottle of wine #1, dinner, amazing conversation, bottle of wine #2, more convo…..

i am blessed with how jac loves me and supports me, and i look up to her.
i admire carolines purity.
i relate to nikki A LOT, even though shes hungarian, there are soooooo many similarities with how we see the world.

this was my wednesday night…

today,

i
wake
up
a
little
hungover……….

but it brings me to a solemn, introspective place.

i am not feeling my most powerful, assured, clear self as of late.

i find myself in a great place of need and want and desire. the buddha says that, “desire and ignorance is the root of all suffering.” heres my answer in plain text. im desiring this, and desiring that. unhappy with this. feel discontent with that. but im practicing ignorance by not asserting myself in the avenues in which change will manifest-i am…but hesitantly, slowly, and lethargically. im just idling and my appetite for disenchantment is feeding itself and growing.

i need that fire back. where did it go? does it matter where the hell it went? i think i just need to recreate it from within. its there, it never died. we all have an ever-lit vital flame kindling inside our being. i want to fuel it again.

i was reminded of this poem, “the invitation” by oriah mountain dreamer i used to have taped on my mirror….i read back over it today…….

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing. (my heart is aching to tell me its desires, i just need to listen and honor it).

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive….( i used to take myself so seriously, now…i want to be a fool for something, love, a dream, myself, an adventure….otherwise, im just a fool…..and for nothing).

I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain… (i think i touched on this very point a post ago….it takes real fortitude to touch that sorrow and not become shrivelled and closed).

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it…. (the simplest yet most difficult task in our humanity….to just BE).

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human… ( its so ironically comical how we cry about “just wanting to be happy”, then when we actually can attain that happiness at our fingertips, we cant hold it. we push it away. fuck limitations, and fuck regulations……i choose unabashed happiness).

I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back… (this could be for those in my life, yah, who’s my ride or die? who’s got me? but more importantly, will i show up for myself? can i walk through my own fire? will i show up?).

I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away…. ( what sustains me?…….thats a very good question. i think that sustenance lies so deep at my juicy center that its so purely untouched i just need to resource it….).

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments…. (this can be a hard one. to sit in your own silent space. last night i was with amazing girls. drinking and dancing and furthering our intoxication. it was gorgeous. but now i am alone, swimming in my own thoughts and emotion, and i’d have to say im digging the company, and theres nowhere else i’d rather be…well, theres a few places that could be nice….)

from a drunken night with my girls to a quiet solace alone….this is my life……..

and i extend “the invitation” for you to see the beauty of yours…..because its just that…..all of it….its beautiful.

peace………..

n.

i was reading something today (yes, i read)….

that really put some shit into perspective.

im going to paraphrase.

“you are recoiling from the facts of fear, anger, and sadness. dont recoil. recoiling from a fear creates pain. say you are feeling fear-one is to reject it, hold yourself tight so you dont start trembling because of fear. then the fear becomes a painful thing-it is there, and it hurts. the second is, enjoy it. tremble, let it become a meditation. once you accept it, all pain disappears. see the beauty of fear, see the alchemical work of fear; it is simply trying to prepare you for the situation so that you can accept the challenge. but rather than accepting the challenge, rather than understanding fear, you start rejecting it.
fear is a subtle dance of energies in you. it prepares you; it is a friend, it is not your enemy.”-OSHO

lately, i have found myself a bit down. i couldnt figure out why. i live such a blessed life. i travel the globe with friends, i ride on yachts, i experience beautiful people and beautiful things in life. i absolutely and unarguably live a charmed life. so the confusion of where my discontent arises brings forth great question……..

here it is.

i have been experiencing self-perpetuated pain. the reason for the pain is what is stated above. i have been so high anxiety lately just dealing with life, career, decisions, goals, that i have been frozen by fear. i felt that rather than to just face my panic and stress and fear, it wouldve been better to bury my head in the sand, and pretend i couldnt see reality.

enter pain.

this is what causes such friction and sour, stagnant energy flow….pain. suppression……repression…..restriction…….bad.

i am finding out that the best way to get myself to a more desirable place is to face off with the fear or circumstance that makes me want to crawl into fetal position and suck my thumb. facing issues head on makes things simple. you can see that what is…is. theres no mud. theres no bobbing and weaving. dealing with the truth and being able to adapt accordingly jump starts the internal energy flow. its living. its life. one feels alive. the denying of fear, the rejection of scary emotion is a block and like dying a slow death.

i feel better now having made pro-active decisions for change. ive removed my head from the sand and i can see clearly all the aspects of my life that need addressing stat.

im choosing now to not recoil. im choosing to be a cobra that you back into a corner.

i strike.

embrace the fear. dance with the scary, make love to the unknown, and thats where freedom and life comes.

dont repress what youre experiencing. hold it and move through it.

strike.

peace.

n.