i slept in so late…

today.

the past few days i could feel the “tired” coming up on me, and the quad shots of espresso laced with soy werent bringing me back to life despite their attempts. (and this is even with alex’s [my barista] skill of knowing how to make the shots shorter but more potent….)

so today, i woke up as what i would consider the day being half way over. and i must say that it is most delicious.

im finding happiness in this as i also see comfort. past days if this were to happen, i would get so upset with myself and panic that i didnt employ my hamster wheel at 7 am.

not today.

i laid in bed slept with my iphone white noise app, and white noised myself to the land of oz and back…”and you were there, and you were there…..” 🙂 and im pretty happy with it.

listen to your body. it is singularly connected to our mind and spirit.

if you need rest-lounge.
if you are hungry-eat.
if you are thirsty-have a scotch on the rocks.
if you need to feel safe-go to that place.
if you desire solitude-enjoy the silence.
if you need to get laid-use protection. :)…..(i had to throw that one in…..)
but our bodies will tell us what we need to know. it provides us with all the information we need.

the beauty also is that it works the other way around, as well. its quite a splendid phenomenon. if we listen to our bodies, then provide it its wishes- we find peace. also, if we feed on positive thoughts and speak lovingly to ourselves and others around, our cells are only equipped to act on that love. we are healthier. we release toxic thoughts that infiltrate every cell, and we are then the masters of our own universe. we can gracefully move in our beautifully functioning bodies. our bodies are so sophisticated that as we mentally program (positively or negatively) our cells instantaneously respond and take that information in. this transmission from thought to cellular response is probably the most rapid and miraculous download we as humans have witnessed to date. its pure energy. and our cells dont weed through and pick the positive thoughts over the negative or vice versa…it only processes the information provided and acts on it. this is an amazing concept and a daunting one, at the same time. we can simply make the choice of what information and work order we will provide. you chose.

so, as im here moving slowly through my day here in the angel city, im cool with it.

and as my iced soy stevia quad shot of espresso has done absolutely nothing for me, i’ll just have another…..and hope at some point i can form a complete sentence.

renew and recharge, and revel….in your perfection.

peace-

n.

and i would like to say to the girl (im unaware of who she is) that passed from this life to the next last night at my gym….”sleep with angels”, and “PEACE” to your family now.

rest.

ok, so what do i do now?……

I HAVE BY NO MEANS ARRIVED AT ANY LEVEL!!!!!!

LET ME REPEAT, I HAVE BY NO MEANS ARRIVED…….

but here are my issues as of late. let me explain…

im in such an intense, introspective place-im raising my own bar, and im demanding higher from myself on a daily basis. and i, in turn, am surrounding myself with people who can also bring me to a higher place in life. (we are the company we keep, right??!) and blog after blog i have reiterated how rough this growth period has been for me.

in all this growth, i find myself feeling so thrown on one end of the spectrum. now, dont get me wrong, i love the fact that there is virtually no drama in my life. im dealing with no heart breaks or having to pull a knife out of my back due to a sour friend…none of these things. i am thoroughly grateful. but being an “addict”-my addiction being drama, (and that may be quite a heavy assessment) i am finding myself blissfully bored. i know, i dont even want to utter the word boredom out of fear something chaotic and yummy presents itself, but its true…i feel like im sitting around twiddling my thumbs not knowing what to do with my blissful self.

have i confused you yet? because i am thoroughly, certifiably confused. because i shouldnt be bored. i some days want to pull out my own toenails to ease the emotional growth im in, and some days i can sit in sheer gratitude for all my blessings. and for the record, in all these moments i am aware how blessed i am. im enjoying the growth. and its anything but boring. its just HEALTHY.

im going through sabotaging “withdrawal” from my drug of choice. DRAMA. DANGER. EXCITEMENT. CHAOS. i want it, just because i need to balance my scale a bit, or at least thats my justification for wanting to dip my hand in the cookie jar………

im looking for this danger around every corner. i want it to present itself to me so i can partake. and the pleasure comes not in the partaking but shortly there after. i can lament my hurt and the sting of the bullet from fondling a half cocked gun.

this is my punishment.
this is my pleasure.
this is my pattern.

we all have patterns in one area or another. we all sabotage on a level. even if its just leaving the house 10 minutes late knowing you will panic all the way to your appointment only to arrived drained and spent. when the easy, most beneficial thing to do would be to leave in ample time…..this is simple shit. but we all do this in some form and on some level.

why?

i need to not be meddling in any other business but my own. i need not be intrigued with whats being presented to spice up my life. i need not be mesmerized by the shiny, glittery, beautifully packaged danger that is right in front of me. this is where all my so called “growth” comes into play. i need to keep my head down and continue down the path im currently going.

so if you find yourself where i am ever…its easier for me to tell you to stay on the golden road and not veer off……so can you tell me to do the same????

now.

please?!

…….but it would be soooooo disastrously splendid ………..

but no.

peace in the beautiful boredom……

n.

choices can be…

wings for soaring or they can be a beautiful noose that steals from us our last breath.

sometimes i like to live in the vein of “ignorance is bliss…”-its easier that way. because with knowledge comes responsibility. and sometimes i dont want to be responsible for shit. but if information is there for me to work with….i must be responsible and use it wisely.

every minute
every second
every day
every hour
every opportunity….

we make choices.

i believe WE hold the power to define our reality. its a simple choice. we are never left to the wind to carry us. we are powerful beings with choices at our disposal in unlimited form.

i pray every day that a force or my intuition guides me in the way in which i am to go. i pray that im given the information that will serve me in making the best decisions for creating a beautiful life. and when we ask for something, the universe grants it all in due time.

what happens when the universe provides you with information that isnt ideal for your ultimate goal? do you ignore the very “sign” youve been asking for simply because it wasnt the answer of the “sign” you wanted to receive?

dammit!

i seem to keep getting presented with the same fucking lesson.

why?

because im too hard headed to learn the lesson. i keep making the same choice over and over again in this certain area, and poof! here it is again. ive got to make a different choice. i have the information before me, and i need to use it wisely. but what i waaaaaaaaant is to is indulge myself in the beautiful disaster and sweetest downfall. so delicious…….

but, what i do know is….

“the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.”

maybe its time i change some things prompting a different result. 😦 but i want what i want…….

the only problem is, “there are always two choices. two paths to take. one is easy. and its only reward is that its easy.”…….i sooooooo want to make the juicy easy choice. but the universe held up its end of the bargain. i asked for signs. it presented them. i must honor that.

Albert Camus (winner of nobel prize for literature) said, “life is a sum of all your choices.”…i want my life to be a big glorious mound of gold. beautiful shiny choices. i can make bunk choices and can end up with a hot, steaming pile of shit. no thanks. i’ll settle for delayed gratification to obtain heaven on earth. these are my options.

so……i choose to fly and be free, and im gonna try my damnedest to make the “right” choice. and hopefully i wont put my neck in a noose just because im used to wearing a necklace.

so here i ask…..aaaaaaaaagain…….

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

uncontainable peace to you in every choice you make…

n.

ive fucked….

up a lot of things in my life…over the years.

ive hurt people.
ive lied.
ive betrayed.
ive lowered myself.
ive stolen.
ive witheld.
ive treated people unkindly.
ive judged.
ive mocked.
ive cheated.
ive abused….must i keep going???? you get the picture???!! c’mon!

this “period” im talking about these days-this period of growth is so intense, that i found myself meditating this morning and finally looked up and it was 3 hours later, and i had tears streaming down my face. but it wasnt necessarily out of sadness or sorrow. it was a release of some sort, but i cant quite “name” the experience. (and not a “happy ending” kind of release 😦 ) actually, it was much better…..

forgiveness.

its about forgiveness.

in the midst of all my prayer, meditation, and kumbaya bull-shit…i realized i had composed a four page letter to someone.

i know, bear with me….this sounds nuttier than nuts, but i speak truth, therefore if i put my shit on blast and appear as if i need to be in a padded room….so be it.

theres a lot going on here…

i ventured out on this so called quest after a break up…(like we all do from time to time)…but i usually fill the whole verrrrrrry quickly as i dont like to sit alone and deal with my shit, i would rather deal with someone elses shit and fix it for them. its soooo much more yummy that way…..fergie has a line in a song, “a girl like me dont stay single for long….”…did i write that??!! is that my song??

but not this time. this is the longest ive been single since 19…..yah.

i look in my bed….its me (wearing sexy lingerie sometimes, just to float my own damn boat)
i look in the mirror…it me
i have feelings…theyre mine
i have time…its mine
i have shit that comes up that needs to be dealt with…..oh, its mine

let me also insert that the letter didnt go to a past love or the “break up” boy…it went to someone far more significant.

…so, i finally came “to” in this life here on earth that we live in, and went to the gym. i befittingly got on the treadmill for a run and this song to follow came on. i settled into a rhythm and it carried me.
…..and its me right now.

ALL ME.

im so in love with this period of growth even though i want to chew my own limbs off. ive done a lot of things wrong in this lifetime, but im on the road of correction…”youve been the only thing thats right, in all ive done……..and i can barely look at you, but every single time i do, i know we’ll make it anywhere….away from here….”

im doing this right….im looking at my bullshit and im working on it. thats all i can do. and its right. im aware of my shortcomings and i am choosing to fix them and adjust.
there was a time, (probably the majority of my life…if im not gonna get off the transparency train) that i couldnt just be happy with myself. i was never satisfied with what looked back and greeted me in the mirror. i think i felt there was always better in someone elses mirror. and im not just speaking physically….all of it. everything that came with the package of natalie. but this too is changing….its me. its mine, and ive got my back now. im spending time learning and knowing what I even need. i never knew before. im learning, and i will make it anywhere…and not necessarily away from here….i kinda like it here…….

we’re all on our paths, we’re all on our road to wherever. i hope you are gentle with yourself. because if not; its a shame. you can be your closest ally. when youre all good with yourself, nothing else can truly harm you….

“Have heart my dear
We’re bound to be afraid
Even if it’s just for a few days
Making up for all this mess…”

if you are in your transformation period, or if your stalled and stagnant, or if you cant take the space youre in…you have my support. im there, or i have been, or i will be again…”i can hardly speak, i understand why you cant raise your voice to say…”

“…even if you cannot hear my voice, i’ll be right beside you dear…”…what ive learned is that even when i cant hear that voice its always there. im just not listening. its there. its in you. its in me.

so wherever you are on your run, “light up, light up as if you have a choice…” because you have a choice to be the most brilliant light.

you are beautiful.

as a friend said to me last night, “sleep with angels, beautiful baby…”

“sleep with angels on this saturday night….”

peace-

n.

uuuuuuuuugh………

ok, so, riddle me this….

im the happiest ive ever been.

im “clearer” and more present than ive ever been.

i have only people in my life that lift me up emotionally. (ive clipped the ones who suck my blood and leave me for dead in a bad louisiana town…)

i love LA.

i love my home.

i love my meditation practice.

i “should” be virtually stress free………..

so, why do i virtually want to rip my own eyeballs out?

i feel so raw and exposed. the spurts of growth feel almost insurmountable at times.

ive been waking up at 3 and 4 in the morning having panic attacks……..im so confused.

this past year has been one of such intense growth. and i know im better for it, but holy shit! i feel like im ripping off the deflated skin from a burst blister and feeling the air on the fresh for the very first time. needles. but i seem to be ripping the skin fresh daily. or since i may have missed it the first go round, maybe this is the jolt, shock, and stun that a newborn feels as it leaves what it has always known. as a baby enters one world exiting the old one, they leave the warm, the familiar, the cozy to be thrust into a cold, glaringly bright, and unforgivingly sterile atmosphere. needles.

i feel like im that baby….

im this baby right now throwing myself into an unknown. im choosing the unknown, and it brings a little nervousness, well, A LOT of nervousness, panic, and anxiety.

but my mentor says, “in any experience you can either feel the joy or the pain.” and right now i think im choosing the pain because im choosing to worry, instead of the happiness of how effing alive i feel. i love my life, so WTF?! i need to switch the joy meter on and get off “pain i likey” island.

this is where im at.

ive been in texas for 5 days now back in LA. i havent blogged in a hot minute! i feel like i have so much shit to get out. but i’ll start here.

i drove from Houston to LA with my mom. we had sooooo much fun. we lived out “thelma and louise” a bit…..no brad pitt, (but she thought this one guy was cute at a truck top in the middle of nowhere….not my type)………..so, now, im determined to just drive cross country to see what kind of knuckle-heads i can meet in the most random of places. probably not a bigger knuckle-head than present company here, but…..the drive was rather refreshing! i did make eye-contact with a convict shackled from head to toe that stopped with police to take a piss break. he briefly interrupted my moccasin shopping (but i wasnt mad), with his dramatic walk-through as it brought a little more excitement to the sleepy new mexico town we were in…..hmmmm, a convict shackled…..is it ironic we were close to a town called “truth or consequences”?….interesting. i hope he finds peace somewhere.

anyways….the moral of the story…..

i hope that during this growth spurt as much of a fresh baby i feel like greeting the world for the first time, lets hope for very few infantile moments and temper tantrums. besides, if i can get through this…i have the “terrible twos” to look forward to next. AWESOME.

peace to you peace to me.

n.