ive fucked….

up a lot of things in my life…over the years.

ive hurt people.
ive lied.
ive betrayed.
ive lowered myself.
ive stolen.
ive witheld.
ive treated people unkindly.
ive judged.
ive mocked.
ive cheated.
ive abused….must i keep going???? you get the picture???!! c’mon!

this “period” im talking about these days-this period of growth is so intense, that i found myself meditating this morning and finally looked up and it was 3 hours later, and i had tears streaming down my face. but it wasnt necessarily out of sadness or sorrow. it was a release of some sort, but i cant quite “name” the experience. (and not a “happy ending” kind of release 😦 ) actually, it was much better…..

forgiveness.

its about forgiveness.

in the midst of all my prayer, meditation, and kumbaya bull-shit…i realized i had composed a four page letter to someone.

i know, bear with me….this sounds nuttier than nuts, but i speak truth, therefore if i put my shit on blast and appear as if i need to be in a padded room….so be it.

theres a lot going on here…

i ventured out on this so called quest after a break up…(like we all do from time to time)…but i usually fill the whole verrrrrrry quickly as i dont like to sit alone and deal with my shit, i would rather deal with someone elses shit and fix it for them. its soooo much more yummy that way…..fergie has a line in a song, “a girl like me dont stay single for long….”…did i write that??!! is that my song??

but not this time. this is the longest ive been single since 19…..yah.

i look in my bed….its me (wearing sexy lingerie sometimes, just to float my own damn boat)
i look in the mirror…it me
i have feelings…theyre mine
i have time…its mine
i have shit that comes up that needs to be dealt with…..oh, its mine

let me also insert that the letter didnt go to a past love or the “break up” boy…it went to someone far more significant.

…so, i finally came “to” in this life here on earth that we live in, and went to the gym. i befittingly got on the treadmill for a run and this song to follow came on. i settled into a rhythm and it carried me.
…..and its me right now.

ALL ME.

im so in love with this period of growth even though i want to chew my own limbs off. ive done a lot of things wrong in this lifetime, but im on the road of correction…”youve been the only thing thats right, in all ive done……..and i can barely look at you, but every single time i do, i know we’ll make it anywhere….away from here….”

im doing this right….im looking at my bullshit and im working on it. thats all i can do. and its right. im aware of my shortcomings and i am choosing to fix them and adjust.
there was a time, (probably the majority of my life…if im not gonna get off the transparency train) that i couldnt just be happy with myself. i was never satisfied with what looked back and greeted me in the mirror. i think i felt there was always better in someone elses mirror. and im not just speaking physically….all of it. everything that came with the package of natalie. but this too is changing….its me. its mine, and ive got my back now. im spending time learning and knowing what I even need. i never knew before. im learning, and i will make it anywhere…and not necessarily away from here….i kinda like it here…….

we’re all on our paths, we’re all on our road to wherever. i hope you are gentle with yourself. because if not; its a shame. you can be your closest ally. when youre all good with yourself, nothing else can truly harm you….

“Have heart my dear
We’re bound to be afraid
Even if it’s just for a few days
Making up for all this mess…”

if you are in your transformation period, or if your stalled and stagnant, or if you cant take the space youre in…you have my support. im there, or i have been, or i will be again…”i can hardly speak, i understand why you cant raise your voice to say…”

“…even if you cannot hear my voice, i’ll be right beside you dear…”…what ive learned is that even when i cant hear that voice its always there. im just not listening. its there. its in you. its in me.

so wherever you are on your run, “light up, light up as if you have a choice…” because you have a choice to be the most brilliant light.

you are beautiful.

as a friend said to me last night, “sleep with angels, beautiful baby…”

“sleep with angels on this saturday night….”

peace-

n.

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5 thoughts on “ive fucked….

  1. Totally cocoa (with a bit of cinnamon, of course).

    I just tweeted this haiku – made me think of you for some reason:

    Lost in the wild dark
    Scan the night for the North Star
    my gaze turns Inwards

    Stay shiny, lady!

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