at 9 o clock on a school night…stumbling upon the coffee bean selection bin, and sampling from prospective bean choices for grinding….really lends itself to a blog endeavour at 11:53 pm.
so here we are
in bed listening in a cracked out fashion to my introspective playlist. (btw-i mixed double dutch chocolate, caramel, and hazelnut beans to create a.m. bliss)
my introspective playlist includes some of the following:
chris botti w sting “shape of my heart”
muse “soldier’s poem”
the reindeer section “you are my joy”
snow patrol “dark roman wine”
lars winnerback “elegi”
radiohead “dollars and cents”
……and many others…..
but i was at dinner with a friend tonight. and the old phrase, “you are the company you keep”, or “guilty by association” are such accurate phrases. and i came to a poignant realization as i said this mid sentence. i said, “i have to power to create my atmosphere with the people I want in it.” and it hit me so hard.
i am so blessed with the most stellar friends in the universe. i have amazing people in my life. and its our choice and within our power reach to have or not have who we want or dont want in our bubble. i am really trying to push myself to a higher standard with my integrity and word (because im flightier than a love bird in search of a mate…) and i dont mean to be, but what i do mean now is to do what i say im going to do.
and with this level of excellence i desire from myself i also will demand a certain delivery from those im with and those whom im investing time.
certain people just push my mother fucking buttons…
and it takes every bit of buddha/kumbaya/holy baby jesus mumbo jumbo i have “swaddled” safely inside me not to engage in the politics of battle. i mean it, sometimes i feel like muhammad ali in the ring just begging to get at em, mixed with a little linda blair exorcism action when dealing with the people that “challenge” me. but im getting better. did i mention i am hot-headed??!!
but at my core i am such a snuggly lover, and i love a lot, and want to give my love away. love is energy. it grows when given away. it multiplies when you release it to others. and i even try to love those i want to hate in particular moments. this is what our lives boil down to.
THE LOVE WE SHARE WITH THOSE AROUND US.
and if situations or people are like an energy leak for you or they mishandle your love maybe you need to step back and assess the relationship and what it provides you.
my favorite book when i was little was called, “THERE ARE ROCKS IN MY SOCKS SAID THE OX TO THE FOX”.and its about an ox gets himself into crazy situations that go from bad to worse when he takes advice from his sly fox friend.
and this is a stretch, but its going along the lines of my creating my atmosphere of friends i spoke of so passionately at dinner. if a situation or a friendship is restricting you or not allowing you to be your best self…take time to assess. you can have people that challenge you, but they are actually creating the space for you to be better, and there are times when its just a complete energy drain. you have to decipher for yourself the difference.
and my man i spoke of earlier, Muhammad Ali, said: “It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.” words of wisdom from a beautiful man who’s had his noggin banged around a few times. if there are annoyances that are threatening your ability to get to the top of your mountain in due time and energy use, stop, take off your shoe, find the stone and remove it, and get back to it. the adjustment makes all the difference. this tiny awareness can literally make or break you.
and to sum it all up. i am no better than the next guy if i cant love EVERYONE even the ones whose eyeballs i wanna thumb out. love is to be given to everyone. so i choose to love, but that doesnt mean that i tolerate bull shit. its not about being a doormat-its about knowing when to sometimes just gently shut the door. 🙂
i know, im on fire tonight, but its the coffee beans i decided to eat like jelly bellies. and the conversation about friendship really lit a fire under my ass to appreciate the amazing souls in my scope.
i love those i get to share breaths with.
“If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They’re all I can see”- snow patrol (introspective playlist)
all that you are is reflected in those around you, you make up the world that is yours…and like attracts like.
and since i want to sign off in love, i’ll leave you with this……….
“There are four questions of value in life… what is sacred? of what is the spirit made? what is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? the answer to each is the same. only love.”-Johnny Depp (Don Juan deMarco)
tonight its love-
ok ok ok….so i got carried away with johnny. give me a break. im a girl all alone writing about love in a king size bed.
…and i literally want to marry the entire snow patrol entity starting with Gary Lightbody (the lead singer)….hes perfectly, expressively exquisite.
an ali, well, hes simply the man.
good night, my beautiful babies.