im like a 14 year old girl…..

its saturday night.
9pm.
i know i have to wrangle soon for a night out. but twilight is on yet again. i should be embarrassed at this point how many times ive seen this flick.

theres no excuse for it.

this is the gitty girl in me.

but i am sooooo cozy here, writing, in bed with the heater on and drinking my old stale left over coffee from this morning (old coffee is a nasty habit of mine.. i love it).

EGO.

yup, its a buster.

ive heard it said before, “(E)dging (G)od (O)ut.” hmmmm. interesting right???

i seem to have put the choke chain on mine in a lot of ways, but like everyone else at times it seems to sometimes shimmy out of its collar. me and several of my close friends are in transition and making changes in what our lives have looked like. a sort of re-positioning if you will, and things that i once used as crutches are now being removed, and im standing on my own two legs with no pseudo support from the “ego pieces” i like to call them.

(edward is now showing restraint as he is sucking bellas blood……and then finds it within himself to stop……) yummy. an addiction for someone like that sounds quite appealing to me right about now…….anyway……….

im coming up against some beautiful challenges that make me know im alive. and what shows to me is the growth that im not feeling sorry for myself or in complete bitch-complaint mode. thats HUGE for me. im just trying to float through it. i quit gritting my teeth a long time ago.

in information we gain even more information if we read between the lines. and im grateful in all thats going on with me i am learning so much.

nothing else to say other than i am “thankful” for the johnnie walker rocks i will be having later tonight.

happy saturday night.
….and put the ego aside just for tonight, and laugh, love, and play like you were 14 again………no matter whos watching.

peace…from my bed to the streets of LA making its way to you-

n.

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does it reaaaally matter who’s fucking who???

i went to a private…viewing of a rock documentary coming out soon, and a private party followed. amongst the group at the party was the band “sick puppies”. and now, as i sit and ponder what i want to journal about today- i remember my night the other evening and the video from that band.

walking this earth we are all lovers. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “All mankind love a lover.”

im a lover, and i just want to be loved.

we are pack animals. and as introverted, shy, aloof, and withdrawn i am a lot of the time-i still hunger for love and human contact.

today is october 20th and we are remembering the suicides and abuse victims in the gay and lesbian community. again, we ALL hunger for love and human contact.

when i was a kid i went to a very small private school until 9th grade. and in 9th grade i transferred to a public school with over 600 kids in just my freshman class. i was scared shitless. it was a bit traumatic for me, actually. and i was always a bit “off” and even though i was in groups, a dancer, and a performer-i never felt comfortable in high school.

i never went to one high school party until prom, and that was weird (thank you, steffany cox harrison for inviting me out so i wasnt a complete reject). i hung with my parents on the weekends, and traveled as a missionary in the summers, so i was always removed from the local “pop” culture that was around me. i was always friends with the guys, and always scared of their girlfriends that hated me. i remember everyday walking into the cafeteria sweating because i felt as soon as i entered my life was on stage. every move i made was going to be judged by a movie critic working in real time. the cold sweats was a result of having no group. i had no identity to call my own. i didnt have a core group of friends. so figuring out daily where i would “gracefully” decide to sit was worthy of the nobel prize.
i felt very isolated.
i felt alien.
i felt awkward as fuck.

however, in the midst of all that, i always seemed to be ok with myself. i worked through being bi-racial and the jabbings that came with that (it wasnt easy growing up japanese, white, and native american/eastern european with a dad thats 5’6″ and a mom who was just under 6′ tall). but as high school hit, i seemed a little cuter to the boys so they werent concerned with my bi-racial status either. in fact, i think they welcomed it. the very ones that used to call me “jap” or “chink” eventually feverishly pursued me. i always knew at my core if i were good to other people and good to myself everything would work itself out. i thankfully, was an old soul. and now, i can say thank God for all the countries i represent. i love it, actually. πŸ™‚

all of that to say this-as teens we can almost feel the growing pains so acutely that the discomfort in our own skin feels as if that skin is ripping off. and add to that, all the teens now in school and social settings dealing with being gay. add that to the fucking mix, and damn, talk about a load to carry!!!

i just want today to bring awareness back to ALL of us who feel uncomfortable in our own skin from time to time. we all get insecure. we all turn to defense when we feel we are going to be attacked. we all quick draw to hate to protect from being hated.

but the grace that saves in all of this is that we can know that we are all the same. we all crave love. we all need love. we all hunger for that human contact. so we can laugh in the face awkward moments and remember we’ve all been here before in various ways.

what ive learned this year is that the “judger” always feels judged. once i consciously decided to let go of the judgments i placed on others and more importantly on myself-freedom and peace came to me. i no longer feel attacked. the only discomfort i ever feel is when i with hold love from another.

A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.-Mahatma Gandhi. i definitely dont want to be the coward.

so today i am holding the victims of these horrific suicides in a peaceful space today. praying that awareness, love, and compassion will come of these tragedies.

all we want in this world is love. thats all everything ever comes down to.

LOVE.
…(and maybe really good sex……) πŸ˜‰

“Healthy, lusty sex is wonderful.” – John Wayne….just threw that in for good measure.

celebrate your uniqueness. because underneath it all we are all safe. we are all one.

…and give out a free hug or 2……

beautiful beautiful peace-

n.


sunday…on my third strong americano for today, at 9pm…

and im well on my way to crack-ville. so, come along for the ride.

i am watching/listening (for white background noise) to “couples retreat” for probably a record 7 times at this point. anyway, that was a side note.

so this morning in my daily OSHO reading this is what i read…..and its ironic its about becoming empty as ive “filled up” on so much coffee/espresso today to gain columbian nationality. but whatevs.

“EMPTINESS”

“MEDITATION SIMPLY MEANS BECOMING EMPTY OF ALL THE CONTENTS OF THE MIND: MEMORY, THOUGHTS, DESIRES, EXPECTATIONS, PROJECTIONS, MOODS. THE GREATEST DAY IN LIFE IS WHEN YOU CANNOT FIND ANYTHING IN YOU TO THROW OUT; ALL HAS ALREADY BEEN THROWN OUT, AND THERE IS ONLY PURE EMPTINESS. IN THAT EMPTINESS YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF.”

i was contented reading this today. its nice to be reminded to let go of the louis v luggage every once in a while. trust me, its designer quality baggage, but still baggage none the less. and i wanna put it down from time to time. we all have hang ups-sort of like a hang up garment bag. (ive actually never understood the purpose of those anyway…maybe because im uber boho, and welcome wrinkled clothes…….)

anyway,

i need to be reminded of that quiet space making. my mind is always on fire-creating, thinking, obsessing, judging (trying not to judge), contemplating, deliberating.

so, im gonna go out on a limb, and reallllllly stretch this one, so prepare yourself for my hocus pocus speak now….its incoming:

i believe we are all Divine beings. we are all defectless beings borne from the Creator therefore we are immaculately creative. i also believe we all have God/Higher Power/Life Force living within us making up our perfect, pure, exquisite selves. and we get really busy and preoccupied in what we call daily life that we forget to hear that inner voice. its also difficult to hear that voice when so much drama is stirring inside us and we are basically just “full of shit”. so we need to create the space for silence and the letting go of mental clutter to get back to one. the Bible (which is one of the several manuals i live by) says, “BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD”. this is exactly what i am talking about. when we quiet and calm the hell down we can hear that “intuition”, “inner voice”, “gut-reaction” whatever word you wanna call it. you can hear the God inside you thats always there. you just have to look inside you. that power is not outside you. that power and information is not outside me. it rests in the silent space deep within our beings.

…”still waters run deep……….” theres a lot that goes on deep, deep within. and im glad i was reminded to go swimming in that pond. it calms my shit down. my peace is there.

i tend to think that our stress or “suffering” comes from the frenetic energy we put out to get answers or satiate desires or the dwelling on unknown things. Einstein said something quite simply astute (yah, ya think??!) he said, β€œWhen the solution is simple, God is answering.” when we quiet, empty out the dust that clutters everything up, and just shut the eff up-the answers will rise to the top. they will become known and audible. the suffering disappears, and God is there.

thats all i want to say for now. i wish for all of you allow yourself to go on “silent mode” and empty your mind to gain your perfect knowledge, and i will do you a solid and shut the eff up now.

im done….

be brilliant this week, beautiful babies.

peace (within)

n.


hump day….and….

i have absolutely nothing to say.

im sure some of you are so joyful over that statement. ME- having nothing to say. πŸ™‚

do you ever just wake up and you teeter back and forth deciding what mood you wanna choose for the day?? well, everyday i do this. i assess what side of the bed i wanna wake up on.

usually, i say to myself first thing, before the hazy eyes even crack open, “GRATITUDE”.

“GRATITUDE”

Gratitude for my body that without complaint carries me through this world.
Gratitude for my breath. (well, not the morning breath i wake up with, but the breath i can inhale to sustain me…..)
Gratitude for my family.
Gratitude for my friends and nucleus.
Gratitude for the growing pains that when done will give me such a beautiful form if i stick with it.

just simple, sincere gratitude.

today wasnt that day.

i actually made the conscious and what i thought to be a benign choice to NOT speak my thanks.

today was a shit day.

i had the power to start it off magically, but i chose in my carelessness that it wasnt needed today. i know this sounds like hocus pocus or potentially superstitious, but its not. it takes just a moment to acknowledge the powers at be, and to set our day in positive, beautiful motion. and when we dont take that moment, our odds increase tremendously for shit to just hit the fan.

speaking of fan. i saw this billboard this morning on my way to a client….i sort of love it and think its super hot. this is all things good for the use of a fan.

anyway, i wanted to put my “gratitude list” on blast. i wanted to note all the things i am grateful for. i am grateful, and i want to override the piss poor mood i fought so hard to maintain today. its only 6pm, so i still have time on october 13th to turn this frown upside down. im now giving up the right to defend a bad mood. its done.

i have gratitude for you, and all your support. i can feel it.

peace-

n.

rummaging through the grocery store…

at 9 o clock on a school night…stumbling upon the coffee bean selection bin, and sampling from prospective bean choices for grinding….really lends itself to a blog endeavour at 11:53 pm.

so here we are

you..

me…

in bed listening in a cracked out fashion to my introspective playlist. (btw-i mixed double dutch chocolate, caramel, and hazelnut beans to create a.m. bliss)

my introspective playlist includes some of the following:

chris botti w sting “shape of my heart”
muse “soldier’s poem”
the reindeer section “you are my joy”
snow patrol “dark roman wine”
lars winnerback “elegi”
radiohead “dollars and cents”
……and many others…..

but i was at dinner with a friend tonight. and the old phrase, “you are the company you keep”, or “guilty by association” are such accurate phrases. and i came to a poignant realization as i said this mid sentence. i said, “i have to power to create my atmosphere with the people I want in it.” and it hit me so hard.

i am so blessed with the most stellar friends in the universe. i have amazing people in my life. and its our choice and within our power reach to have or not have who we want or dont want in our bubble. i am really trying to push myself to a higher standard with my integrity and word (because im flightier than a love bird in search of a mate…) and i dont mean to be, but what i do mean now is to do what i say im going to do.

and with this level of excellence i desire from myself i also will demand a certain delivery from those im with and those whom im investing time.

certain people just push my mother fucking buttons…

and it takes every bit of buddha/kumbaya/holy baby jesus mumbo jumbo i have “swaddled” safely inside me not to engage in the politics of battle. i mean it, sometimes i feel like muhammad ali in the ring just begging to get at em, mixed with a little linda blair exorcism action when dealing with the people that “challenge” me. but im getting better. did i mention i am hot-headed??!!

but at my core i am such a snuggly lover, and i love a lot, and want to give my love away. love is energy. it grows when given away. it multiplies when you release it to others. and i even try to love those i want to hate in particular moments. this is what our lives boil down to.

THE LOVE WE SHARE WITH THOSE AROUND US.

and if situations or people are like an energy leak for you or they mishandle your love maybe you need to step back and assess the relationship and what it provides you.

my favorite book when i was little was called, “THERE ARE ROCKS IN MY SOCKS SAID THE OX TO THE FOX”.and its about an ox gets himself into crazy situations that go from bad to worse when he takes advice from his sly fox friend.

and this is a stretch, but its going along the lines of my creating my atmosphere of friends i spoke of so passionately at dinner. if a situation or a friendship is restricting you or not allowing you to be your best self…take time to assess. you can have people that challenge you, but they are actually creating the space for you to be better, and there are times when its just a complete energy drain. you have to decipher for yourself the difference.

and my man i spoke of earlier, Muhammad Ali, said: “It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.” words of wisdom from a beautiful man who’s had his noggin banged around a few times. if there are annoyances that are threatening your ability to get to the top of your mountain in due time and energy use, stop, take off your shoe, find the stone and remove it, and get back to it. the adjustment makes all the difference. this tiny awareness can literally make or break you.

and to sum it all up. i am no better than the next guy if i cant love EVERYONE even the ones whose eyeballs i wanna thumb out. love is to be given to everyone. so i choose to love, but that doesnt mean that i tolerate bull shit. its not about being a doormat-its about knowing when to sometimes just gently shut the door. πŸ™‚

i know, im on fire tonight, but its the coffee beans i decided to eat like jelly bellies. and the conversation about friendship really lit a fire under my ass to appreciate the amazing souls in my scope.

i love those i get to share breaths with.

“If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They’re all I can see”- snow patrol (introspective playlist)

all that you are is reflected in those around you, you make up the world that is yours…and like attracts like.

and since i want to sign off in love, i’ll leave you with this……….

β€œThere are four questions of value in life… what is sacred? of what is the spirit made? what is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? the answer to each is the same. only love.”-Johnny Depp (Don Juan deMarco)

tonight its love-

n.




ok ok ok….so i got carried away with johnny. give me a break. im a girl all alone writing about love in a king size bed.
…and i literally want to marry the entire snow patrol entity starting with Gary Lightbody (the lead singer)….hes perfectly, expressively exquisite.

an ali, well, hes simply the man.

good night, my beautiful babies.

i want to lay in this….

white forever……

its overcast.
its lazy.
everyones moving slowly because theres no where to be in urgency.
and the majority of the angels in this city are still sleeping off the hell they partied in the night before.

all is silent.

my king size white sheeted cocoon has me so sucked right in. (it can be a big kingdom for a little girl…)

the blessed drone of silence, mixed with the hum of my fan, accented by the birds trying to summon the world to wake and walk in its glory has me purring in this moment.

i dont have to do fuck-all today if i dont want to.

and i dont have to start just yet, either.

(i did get up and make my coffee with no almond milk as i am living like a bachelor and have nothing….so my white sheets are contrasted by my extremely black coffee no sweetener. but whatevs…)

i had crazy dreams last night. i was all over the world making stops saying hi to people i have known and that i love. i had conversations. things were said that were never said. answers given. friendships made. laughter resounded.

in my dream i was literally flying to whatever destination i desired next. i would touch down. i would spend some time. then i was off again.

…it was perfection.

i usually never remember my dreams…but last night i did. and the people i “visited” can probably feel my presence even now, i just know it.

……….the other day i was stretching on the mat at my super hollywood-shit show-go to be seen gym and i was completely zoned out as i was laying almost on my head in splits.

a guy in front of me is in down dog. so as he is looking upside down behind himself he sees me in trance. i dont know him. he starts laughing at me. he says, “you need to go home…youre clearly done for the day….youre exhausted.” he was right. come to find out hes a hypnotist, and he said i was zoning out into my own trance like state, and he was watching me for quite some time. he asks about the butterfly tattoo on my wrist, and i give him the latin meaning, and he pauses. he asks, “have you ever seen the matrix?” “yup” i say. he goes on to say, “the scene where hes told to follow the white rabbit, and he does, and the whole story then unfolds because he saw the white rabbit tattooed on the girl…”. “yup.” i say. he said, “i had a dream of a butterfly last night and i think its bizarre to run into you today…”.

we continue talking…he tells me a little bit about himself and some things he’s dealing with, and i suggest a book to him. he leaves thankful for our encounter and i receive an email from him several hours later letting me know he bought the book and is halfway done. he said it was exactly what he needed, and that it was making things so much clearer for him. he left me with a quote from Lao Tzu, and he also told me that i was his butterfly that he needed to be on the lookout for because i provided him with what he needed to receive.

synchronicity is all around us if we choose to heed its gentle prod. you can think im nutballs for this story which is fine, or you can choose to believe that all encounters are for the benefit of always wanting to get us to and support us in furthering our greatness. i choose the latter. we can believe what we want. why not believe in sheer brilliance?

on this hazy, lazy sunday look for your magic. its there. its just not intrusive. it must feel welcome to present itself to you….welcome it all in.

Lao Tzu fell asleep and dreamt he was a butterfly. Upon awakening, he asked himself, β€œAm I a man who has just been dreaming that he was a butterfly, or a sleeping butterfly, now dreaming that he is a man?”…

if i can get out from in between these white sheets, i may be able to muster the energy to follow my white rabbit….

peace.

n.