i went to a private…viewing of a rock documentary coming out soon, and a private party followed. amongst the group at the party was the band “sick puppies”. and now, as i sit and ponder what i want to journal about today- i remember my night the other evening and the video from that band.
walking this earth we are all lovers. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “All mankind love a lover.”
im a lover, and i just want to be loved.
we are pack animals. and as introverted, shy, aloof, and withdrawn i am a lot of the time-i still hunger for love and human contact.
today is october 20th and we are remembering the suicides and abuse victims in the gay and lesbian community. again, we ALL hunger for love and human contact.
when i was a kid i went to a very small private school until 9th grade. and in 9th grade i transferred to a public school with over 600 kids in just my freshman class. i was scared shitless. it was a bit traumatic for me, actually. and i was always a bit “off” and even though i was in groups, a dancer, and a performer-i never felt comfortable in high school.
i never went to one high school party until prom, and that was weird (thank you, steffany cox harrison for inviting me out so i wasnt a complete reject). i hung with my parents on the weekends, and traveled as a missionary in the summers, so i was always removed from the local “pop” culture that was around me. i was always friends with the guys, and always scared of their girlfriends that hated me. i remember everyday walking into the cafeteria sweating because i felt as soon as i entered my life was on stage. every move i made was going to be judged by a movie critic working in real time. the cold sweats was a result of having no group. i had no identity to call my own. i didnt have a core group of friends. so figuring out daily where i would “gracefully” decide to sit was worthy of the nobel prize.
i felt very isolated.
i felt alien.
i felt awkward as fuck.
however, in the midst of all that, i always seemed to be ok with myself. i worked through being bi-racial and the jabbings that came with that (it wasnt easy growing up japanese, white, and native american/eastern european with a dad thats 5’6″ and a mom who was just under 6′ tall). but as high school hit, i seemed a little cuter to the boys so they werent concerned with my bi-racial status either. in fact, i think they welcomed it. the very ones that used to call me “jap” or “chink” eventually feverishly pursued me. i always knew at my core if i were good to other people and good to myself everything would work itself out. i thankfully, was an old soul. and now, i can say thank God for all the countries i represent. i love it, actually. 🙂
all of that to say this-as teens we can almost feel the growing pains so acutely that the discomfort in our own skin feels as if that skin is ripping off. and add to that, all the teens now in school and social settings dealing with being gay. add that to the fucking mix, and damn, talk about a load to carry!!!
i just want today to bring awareness back to ALL of us who feel uncomfortable in our own skin from time to time. we all get insecure. we all turn to defense when we feel we are going to be attacked. we all quick draw to hate to protect from being hated.
but the grace that saves in all of this is that we can know that we are all the same. we all crave love. we all need love. we all hunger for that human contact. so we can laugh in the face awkward moments and remember we’ve all been here before in various ways.
what ive learned this year is that the “judger” always feels judged. once i consciously decided to let go of the judgments i placed on others and more importantly on myself-freedom and peace came to me. i no longer feel attacked. the only discomfort i ever feel is when i with hold love from another.
A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.-Mahatma Gandhi. i definitely dont want to be the coward.
so today i am holding the victims of these horrific suicides in a peaceful space today. praying that awareness, love, and compassion will come of these tragedies.
all we want in this world is love. thats all everything ever comes down to.
…(and maybe really good sex……) 😉
“Healthy, lusty sex is wonderful.” – John Wayne….just threw that in for good measure.
celebrate your uniqueness. because underneath it all we are all safe. we are all one.
…and give out a free hug or 2……
beautiful beautiful peace-