so so so much…….

as i begin this, i would like to from the bottom of my heart press upon you much happiness, joy, love, and peace as we encounter the holiday season (whatever that holiday is for you). i heard a wise man say that we are all fully abundant. the universe is infinite in all it provides, we just need to alter our view and make ourselves available in seeing the abundance. for me, i can see my love abundance. i can see my joy abundance. for the most part i can sit in my peace abundance. and im thankfully starting to allow myself to see my financial abundance. but the point is that its there we just have to retrain our ability to see all the different types of abundance that are ever swirling about us. this has been one of the many lessons of life for me this year. so, i pray you see your many abundances in this season…..

another abundance i can see is Gods grace on my life. everyday He shows me how gentle He is with me, and grants me over and over the ability to “do it over”…the more i am a witness in my own life in patience and non judgement of MYSELF, the more my heart opens up and i am not interested in employing judgement on others.

thursday, thanksgiving….my heart was fully open (as was my belly) :)….i had such an amazing thanksgiving with my sister and her husband and a few others, and we talked on one of my favorite subjects….layman’s quantum physics. i felt a blanket of grace around me that day. and as i left my heart, belly, and soul left full. left in an overabundance. and this occurrence wasnt always possible. family is a difficult dance to dance especially when a lot of the time im the one with the 2 left feet and demanding to lead. but again, it was glorious.

growth
grace
gratitude …work wonders.

i offer up to you a warm heart, much love, and even warmer bodies as we enter a cold season. damn, what a glorious excuse to find yourself hugged up and having sweet, precious love all around…….usually a king bed and white sheets are involved…….just sayin’

express
experience
extend….

love.

peace-

n.

Advertisements

i should be…..

talking about what im grateful for.

i think im going to wait until tomorrow for that.

i have something more earnest on my mind right this moment.

i went and heard my mentor speak last night, and took a friend. this friend and i met through a job. we connected, and gradually began hanging out. i long for female friends. i love all my boys that i tool around with, but i really long for female friendship, its just different. well, i would consider her a friend that i can confide in.

anyway, after the lecture we went and had dinner. she began going into her life story. (as i address certain experiences i am by no means desensitizing the occurrences of her life by merely bullet pointing them, i am just painting a rather brief portrait).

-alcoholic father
-brother suicide
-her own thoughts of suicide
-conversations with her mother on how the best way to kill herself would be
-strung out on crack, heroine, and any kind of dope she could find
the list goes on…

this sounds horribly depressing, and i know youre thinking to yourself, “yo, nat…ummm, its thanksgiving, shouldnt you be making lists of all the things youre grateful for rather than making a list of this poor girls misfortunes????”….well, this is what is so gloriously beautiful to me…

as i sat across the table from her, and we nibbled on sweet potato fries and our vegan root stew, i saw an immense strength in her. a strength ive never had to find within myself. i was for a moment in complete awe of her. i suddenly realized that you never quite know someones story until they offer it to you. this girl had always been nothing but kind, open, and friendly to me. i knew not of her heartache. her pain. her abuse. her disgust. she offered only to me such love and light, and in this new moment, unbeknownst to her she offered me insight into her strength and courage,as well.

there was so much for me to absorb in this conversation: the tales of her utter ruin. the pain behind the self hate. the dark thats darker than black, and not to mention my confusion on how she even got herself out of that abyss.

the greatest thing i clung to in that conversation was the sheer amazement that this person was sitting before me with such an immense amount of love inside her, and a light that radiates from her being. this is where i sit in awe. awe of her courage and tenacity, and in awe of God knowing that He shed the teaniest light on her to show her a way out. …and she took it.

today i sit in complete gratitude.

so much gratitude for so many different reasons.

gratitude that i have the privilege of knowing someone of such valor.
gratitude that i love my life as it is. no different, nothing else, just my life and its idiosyncrasies.
gratitude on the grace that abounds on our heads. everyday, im shown grace.
gratitude that i have people that support me and love me.
gratitude that i think im finally able and ready to let that love in. i wasnt able to receive a lot of love at certain points in my life.
and grateful that i can choose to give love back rather than offering up fear.

so in a not so direct way, i am offering to you what it is that i am grateful for.

and above all, i think im grateful for my happiness and love that abounds. for God sees me perfect and the grace He exhibits on my life daily is enough to keep me grateful til my very last breath.

in much gratitude-the valor in me salutes the valor in you.

peace.

n.

the concept that…

we are all one is a big one for me to wrap my brain around. in moments of judgement i dont want to believe that we are one. i want to believe i am better than the victim i am judging. in times of self-judgement i know to my core that by comparison others are better than me. these things are in fact not the truth. the truth is that we are all one. at our very deepest core we are all gorgeously perfect. we are all flawlessly innocent.

whew…thats just so huge.

i love it though because in my mistakes, my ugly, all the foul ive made in this life, i am still innocent. and so are you. and i really think twice now before i draw swords to cut someone who’s hurt me. i try to see them as innocent. damn, its hard to do ALL the time, but im learning.

taylor swifts song “innocent” is so eloquently written. its as if a great voice came through her from above to send the message of non-judgement on a global scale. the song encapsulates the very essence of what is so important for our own individual personal growth. and that is forgiveness and non-judgement.

when we are able to see that by releasing someone of an “alleged” wrong we free ourselves. we put down the heavy bag we could just as easily choose to carry.

“It’s all right, just wait and see,
your string of lights is still bright to me
oh, who you are is not where you’ve been
you’re still an innocent…”

what i’ve learned to understand is when someone hurts me they are doing it in a moment of temporary lapse. a lot of times “hurt people; hurt people.” and the one hurting is in need of more help than the victim of the wrong doing.

“I guess you really did it this time
left yourself in your warpath
lost your balance on a tightrope
lost your mind tryin’ to get it back…”

this song just speaks volumes to me. its everything im on path to learning right now. as im learning to take it easier on myself, i am learning to take it easier on others. the less i judge, the less i feel judged. the more infrequent i choose to judge myself, the more i become disinterested in judging others or keep tabs.

“It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
who you are is not what you did
you’re still an innocent….”

how glorious is it that what we have done in our pasts or our fuck ups arent who we are at our juicy center?! we slip, we fall, we get back up, and we have people around us that lend us a hand to pull up from. and much gratitude for still growing….at every age. i pray i NEVER stop growing. thats when my happiness would end.

i just want to salute you in your perfect innocence.

you are beautiful.
every scar.
every ding.
every hiccup.
perfectly imperfect.

peace.

n.

pussy…..

footin’ around, is for………well, pussies.

i remember my dad saying when i was a kid, “quit pussy footin’ around, just do it”…..little did i know that bark would be actually wise words of wisdom.

im guilty. im “queen of procrastination”, therefore….im a pussy, yup.

in my am reading time i read this from OSHO:

“life is very short, and much has to be learned; those people who go on postponing go on missing…ask yourself constantly whether you are moving into more blissful states or not. if you are moving to more and more blissful states, you are on the right track. Go into it more, have more of it. and if you are feeling miserable, then look: somewhere you have fallen off track. look, analyze, and whatever you find to be the cause of misery, drop it. and don’t postpone for tomorrow; drop it immediately.

those who go on postponing go on missing. today you will postpone for tomorrow and again tomorrow you will postpone. slowly, slowly postponement becomes your habit.

whenever you see something is creating misery, drop it then and there-dont hold it for a single moment. this is courage: courage to live, courage to risk, courage to adventure. and only those who are courageous are one day rewarded by the whole, by light, by love, bliss, and benediction.”

im the poster child for procrastination. if there were a show called, “PROCRASTINATORS” LIKE THE SHOW, “HOARDERS”…..i would make it on primetime!

i put everything off. i put off bills. i put off ending relationships/friendship or otherwise that do not benefit me. i put off going to the effing grocery store. i put it off for tomorrow i will have more energy. or tomorrow it will be sunnier so the trip to the post office will be more tolerable. and i’ve got the rationalizations down to a science. its quite pathetically brilliant, buuuuut not so brilliant, actually. and the end result is me just ending up a big pussy. and a big pussy is never a good thing. (did i just say that, yes i think i just did)…….

what it boils down to?

FEAR.

(F)alse
(E)vidence
(A)ppearing
(R)eal

if i pay bills, maybe i wont have money.
if i terminate this unhealthy situation, maybe i’ll be alone.
if i go to the grocery store maybe i’ll hit traffic and it will make me late for my next appointment…

like i said, FEAR.

its comical. when i’m fully present and aware of my divinity and perfection being created by a perfect God and universe-i can laugh. i can tackle my fears that end up going “poof” like a vapor that was never there.

if something is impeding you from traveling down the road to your bliss, change it immediately. if something is weighing you down and its slowing you down on your yellow brick road, drop it. let it go. follow your bliss and allow nothing to slow you. and i promise to do the same. i will make a promise to you (and myself) if you keep me accountable, i’ll keep you accountable, and hopefully we’ll arrive at “bliss” to have a cocktail together.

until then, smile (it raises your vibration) 😉 and let someone feel your love…..they probably need it.

peace….without procrastination………..

n.

in my bed….

its sunday am, im here sipping my glorious cup of heaven, and couldnt be more grateful.

im not 100% healthy today as i have the head/chest bug everyones getting these days in LA (its hard not to when the weather goes from 60 to 113 back to 60 within 4 days).

yesterday i kept getting frustrated as i would sneeze at the most inopportune time. or the annoying cough that became a nuisance would send me fully into annoyed status. and its always fun when youre mid conversation and your eye just tears for no reason…

anyway-

sunday is my favorite day. i have a wonderful place i go in the morning to “fill up” on love, light, and beauty. by the end of the week, i so need it.

i cant go today. i am sequestered to my bed until i feel a little better. and my first thought is to be upset that my sunday funday is being altered. but i am seeing the message in this instead.

i am grateful.

i am in a place to nurture myself.

today, i am quiet.

today, i will be still.

sometimes this is very difficult for me. today, i am welcoming the silence. the break, and the calm. i need it desperately. i will soak it all in.

its funny, i was lying on the beach in malibu with a friend a few days ago, and we were questioning each other from this quiz in the back of VANITY FAIR…one of the questions was, “what is your most prized possession?” i didnt even have to think about it. i said, “my daddy’s vintage harley t-shirts.” my house could be burning down, and as idiotic as this sounds, i would have the where-with-all to retrieve those shirts on my way out. they are part of my childhood.

buuuuuuut, as i lay here-

unwell
coughing
sneezing
wheezing
and as i sit here wanting to claw my own nose off, i think….”hmmmm, maybe my most prized possession is my health.”

i will speak for myself. i try to wake up in gratitude every morning, and i utter how grateful i am for my body and how it functions so beautifully, and seamlessly. but do i really absorb how truly blessed i am for my health? im not sure i feel that gratitude all the way down to my bones until something like this happens. i have to be sitting in the pain before i can truly feel how on point my body functions. everyday we wake up and our bodies house our beautiful spirits. our bodies cradle our essence that is that piece of God that He placed there. our bodies are our temples that carry our light through this world. and i am grateful that it shows up for me so faithfully everyday. with little complaint, with little effort, with few demands, my body shows up for me. this is a possession to hold as a prize.

the shirts are great and all, but….

i feel like all we have is love and our health…………….

be good to your temple today…..be good to someone elses temple today…..if you know what i mean??!! (wink). 😉

peace-

n.

before my eyes crack open….

i whisper out loud, “gratitude”.

it sets my day in a content forward motion.

at 6:45 am the sleepy sun had not greeted me yet. its coming now, and the birds are ushering it in.

i just wanted to check in. i feel as if i havent seen an old friend in a long time. 😦

ive been busy and thank God, that’s a good thing.

if im being honest…ive had better days. im uber stressed out, and i avoid writing because i feel like if i dont have something “rainbows and unicorns” to say, just dont say it.

but thats not my truth.

my truth is that im a funky mess in my head. and this too, i will write about it.

i think whats been getting me down lately is the end of a year. not only the coming of an end to a collective 365 days, but also, my birthday is the very last day of that collection.

and let me back up by saying, during the day around 3 or 4 clock in the afternoon i have little waves of anxiety-almost every day (its gotten much better with meditation….) on a larger scale march, april, august-ish, i have the same anxiety-laced “check-ins”.

its the alarm going off to remind me to do everything in my day before its over.

its the alarm going off to remind me to do everything this year before its over.

as “time” whittles away i panic. i freak. i get upset. and as the year ends i have a birthday that arrives to the ball to judge me like a shitty step-mother.

every day.
every year.
every birthday.

and at the risk of sounding completely neurotic (i am aware my neurosis runs deep) i have to plan out new years eve (my birthday). i have to have goals written. i have to be doing something challenging (a 10k, or deep meditation, yadayada)…..i always want to come into january one clear headed, of right-mind, and armed for battle. and what im assessing this morning before my feet really even hit the hardwoods to go procure myself a fresh cup of brew is that this all is:

FEAR.

all the planning, assessing where im at, what ive done, what i havent done, all this mess is judgment dressed up in an official border crossing uniform thats gonna decide if im fit to cross into the new 365.

its bull shit.

judgment is fear. fear is attack. fear is not love.

so while i am approaching a new year “gregorian calendar” speaking and approaching a new birth year, it is imperative that i remember the truth.

the truth is that we all are divine infinite beings. time is an illusion, a mere tool we use that really doesnt mean anything. we have always been here and we will always be here, just in different form. and the most helpful truth for me to draw upon is that the universe right this moment is in PERFECT ORDER.
EVERYTHING THAT IS TAKING PLACE RIGHT NOW IS PERFECT.

i can opt for love if i remember that fear is the absence of love. love is all there is, therefore fear is not real unless i believe in it. LOVE IS…..whether i choose it or not.

ok, time for me to go do a little “down facing dog” and get my namaste on.

the perfection in me salutes the perfection in you.

peace-

n.