aah hell…….

so, i was listening to my spiritual mentor speak. and i was in the mood to just be pissed and hate everyone for breathing…(later i realized i was premenstrual…boy, does that shit creep up….)

anyway, i just wanted to rip the faces off the people sitting next to me in this “spiritual” environment. then BAM! she says:

“YOU CAN EITHER HOLD ON TO THE GRIEVANCE OR EXPERIENCE THE MIRACLE. BUT YOU CANT HAVE BOTH.”

WHAAAAAAT?????!!!! but i soooooo want to hold on to the grievance AAAAAND have all the miracles i can handle!

damn, but i knew she was right.

in that moment i opened my heart and let the love in. i even get angry when people try to love me and i dont want to let it in. im so weird. or am i?? does anyone else feel angry at the love coming in? scared of it? scared when we dont have it? scared when we in fact have it in abundance? are we ever satisfied?

in that moment when i opened my heart and let my own love in… I WAS SATISFIED. and funny enough, that was in fact the miracle. there it was.

i am also reading a book right now.

in this particular section the author is talking about women growing up as little girls feeling inadequate and weak as girls, and in turn playing boys/mans game. and how we are all beautifully equipped with the divine feminine and masculine we often times get unbalanced.

i, through my fear, have become unbalanced.

i have taken on very masculine roles. i have been a “ball-buster”. i have played masculine games at the fear of being beaten at that game by embracing my feminine. i have worn the “just one of the guys” mask. and if i am at full disclosure, i am now finding myself a bit unidentifiable. i am feeling growing pains. i am morphing. i am softening, and i am witnessing the divine feminine emerging from within. i am in a situation now that is allowing my feminine to surface. and not only is it welcomed by this situation, it is demanded. i am gently being forced into this place of softness and vulnerability, and it fucking hurts. it doesnt hurt because it hurts, it hurts because i am resisting relinquishing the pseudo-power ive always thought kept me safe. it never kept me safe. it kept me from receiving beauty. it kept me aloof, and it kept me false.

what am i getting from coming into my feminine?

FREEDOM.

i have heard many times, “in my defenselessness my safety lies.” and what is real cannot be threatened, and what can be threatened is not love.”

FREEDOM.

…to be authentic. to grow. to express. to love. to be raw. and to ultimately be oh so divine.

i have or God has arranged for me to be in a divine appointment on fixing some shit i have misstepped on from very early on.

i have had the thoughts very early on as i was supposed to be “Christopher Glen” and not “Natalie Glynn”, that as a girl i was a surprise if not a complete disappointment by being my lovely girl self. so i upped the ante. i created my value on how boyish i could be and how i easily could resist my feminine. dont get me wrong, i LOVE my masculine side. it serves a profound purpose in my life and i will not relinquish it by any means. it has served and will continue to serve a beautiful purpose for my life. its just one of my tools. but its also time for me to refine my feminine. because in that internal feminine lies such a fire and wild wind that will be unstoppable. mark my words. this God-given force is emerging and its kicking ass and taking names. and all the while, i am loving this world as much as i possibly can ( i mess up all the time) but im learning through love. i can still chop it up with all the beautiful boys in my life, and talk radiators, hot chicks, sex, and playoffs, but also know how to hold my power.
my feminine.
my boundaries.
not selling myself out, and loving those around me with a maternal protective love. a fierce love…and loving a man all at the same time.

i found god in myself and i loved her, i loved her fiercely.”-ntozake shange

“Be not ashamed, woman…
You are the gates of the body, and
You are the gates to the soul.”-Walt Whitman

ladies, we can hold our power if we want to. we can be the gate keepers to bringing ourselves and others such glorious pleasure in our lives and in making love-we can be, and are mystical goddesses. and we are fit only for the beautiful gods out there.
dont settle.

peace to all the beautiful boys and girls out there…..

n.

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so this is the longest i’ve gone…

without blogging.

God, i’ve missed getting my thoughts out on “paper” so to speak. suffice it to say that life’s been happening.

i dont even know what i’m really feeling right in this moment. i’m a little scattered. i’m a little fragile. i’m a little angry. and i’m a little scared. why? i don’t really have the giant answer to blanket over all those adjectives, but i do know that i am also grateful. through a clenched jaw, i am grateful.

i’m grateful that now i am able to attempt to use the tools i’ve been trying to put in my tool belt. it is hard as shit though. when i become frightened my knee jerk is to attack, go to anger, or retreat completely. but that knee jerk isn’t so knee jerk anymore. its more like a bug on my knee that’s causing an itch. so now i’m trying to just scratch it and not hyper-extend and blow my entire knee out.

since my last post…which was the first day of the new year (such a long time ago) i’ve been plugging away. i’ve been putting one foot in front of the other and trying to gingerly walk, sometimes run up that hill.

i read this morning in my “morning time/ clear my head for the day” session, “every choice we decide to be a queen or a slave girl”. DAYUM!!! That is so very true.

so i started thinking about it.

how many times do i forfeit my power?
how many times do i give a person, situation, resentment, thought dominion over me? unfortunately, probably more often than not. 😦 i freely just offer it up. i lower myself, my standards, my ability to love, for the sake of what? well, sometimes i feel like i offer it up out of fear of witnessing my own power-it scares me. other times i offer it up believing i have none to begin with. its a vicious yo-yo cycle that i am now at least aware exists.

“my kingdom is my life; and my life is my kingdom” this was also stated in the book. my kingdom is everything i see before me. my home, my friends, my lovers, my experiences, my action and my non action. my kingdom is everything in my scope. but that is only the reflection shining outwardly of the kingdom that is thriving or failing on the inside. the kingdom’s nucleus is my spirit. it is my internal health or dis-ease coming out in the flesh for all to see.
i must protect my kingdom.
i must honor it.
i must keep things out that want to create the fall of my empire.

what is this exactly? how does one honor, protect, and nourish their “kingdom”?

well, for me it has proven to be this: i must be in constant contact with my “higher power”, my “God-force”, my “perfect inner self” whatever works for you. it is mandatory- a complete non-negotioable.

my life the last month or so has been a little turbulent. turbulent in the sense that i get a lil more hifey with road rage. i find myself judging more quickly innocent by-standers who have harmed me not. i am quick to beat myself up mentally or emotionally when, i too, am innocent. all these behaviors can make a kingdom crumble. and it can happen so quickly. the decay can snowball.

whats even more disclosing, if i’m being honest, i have found myself in days in the recent past actually deliberately avoiding the things that would bring order to my kingdom. i consciously chose against those things just to fuck myself. how twisted is that? why the self- abuse? WTF?? but today, i had had enough.

here i am.

starting over. (not from square one but reality check none the less)

i must protect myself and my kingdom because nobody else will, and i want to reflect on a beautiful world around me. and it has to start with me.

inside.

and God, if i dont do the work, i turn into the biggest bitch. its no good for anyone when i’m a drag….i need to just be my authentic self, and that is a glorious queen.
and for all you king’s out there…i love you.

and there’s so much truth in “GOD, save the queen”

peace-

n.