so, i was listening to my spiritual mentor speak. and i was in the mood to just be pissed and hate everyone for breathing…(later i realized i was premenstrual…boy, does that shit creep up….)
anyway, i just wanted to rip the faces off the people sitting next to me in this “spiritual” environment. then BAM! she says:
“YOU CAN EITHER HOLD ON TO THE GRIEVANCE OR EXPERIENCE THE MIRACLE. BUT YOU CANT HAVE BOTH.”
WHAAAAAAT?????!!!! but i soooooo want to hold on to the grievance AAAAAND have all the miracles i can handle!
damn, but i knew she was right.
in that moment i opened my heart and let the love in. i even get angry when people try to love me and i dont want to let it in. im so weird. or am i?? does anyone else feel angry at the love coming in? scared of it? scared when we dont have it? scared when we in fact have it in abundance? are we ever satisfied?
in that moment when i opened my heart and let my own love in… I WAS SATISFIED. and funny enough, that was in fact the miracle. there it was.
i am also reading a book right now.
in this particular section the author is talking about women growing up as little girls feeling inadequate and weak as girls, and in turn playing boys/mans game. and how we are all beautifully equipped with the divine feminine and masculine we often times get unbalanced.
i, through my fear, have become unbalanced.
i have taken on very masculine roles. i have been a “ball-buster”. i have played masculine games at the fear of being beaten at that game by embracing my feminine. i have worn the “just one of the guys” mask. and if i am at full disclosure, i am now finding myself a bit unidentifiable. i am feeling growing pains. i am morphing. i am softening, and i am witnessing the divine feminine emerging from within. i am in a situation now that is allowing my feminine to surface. and not only is it welcomed by this situation, it is demanded. i am gently being forced into this place of softness and vulnerability, and it fucking hurts. it doesnt hurt because it hurts, it hurts because i am resisting relinquishing the pseudo-power ive always thought kept me safe. it never kept me safe. it kept me from receiving beauty. it kept me aloof, and it kept me false.
what am i getting from coming into my feminine?
i have heard many times, “in my defenselessness my safety lies.” and what is real cannot be threatened, and what can be threatened is not love.”
…to be authentic. to grow. to express. to love. to be raw. and to ultimately be oh so divine.
i have or God has arranged for me to be in a divine appointment on fixing some shit i have misstepped on from very early on.
i have had the thoughts very early on as i was supposed to be “Christopher Glen” and not “Natalie Glynn”, that as a girl i was a surprise if not a complete disappointment by being my lovely girl self. so i upped the ante. i created my value on how boyish i could be and how i easily could resist my feminine. dont get me wrong, i LOVE my masculine side. it serves a profound purpose in my life and i will not relinquish it by any means. it has served and will continue to serve a beautiful purpose for my life. its just one of my tools. but its also time for me to refine my feminine. because in that internal feminine lies such a fire and wild wind that will be unstoppable. mark my words. this God-given force is emerging and its kicking ass and taking names. and all the while, i am loving this world as much as i possibly can ( i mess up all the time) but im learning through love. i can still chop it up with all the beautiful boys in my life, and talk radiators, hot chicks, sex, and playoffs, but also know how to hold my power.
not selling myself out, and loving those around me with a maternal protective love. a fierce love…and loving a man all at the same time.
i found god in myself and i loved her, i loved her fiercely.”-ntozake shange
“Be not ashamed, woman…
You are the gates of the body, and
You are the gates to the soul.”-Walt Whitman
ladies, we can hold our power if we want to. we can be the gate keepers to bringing ourselves and others such glorious pleasure in our lives and in making love-we can be, and are mystical goddesses. and we are fit only for the beautiful gods out there.
peace to all the beautiful boys and girls out there…..