Thursday…

let me paint you a picture…

woke up, walked to my coffee shop in my pj’s, got my usual iced- hazelnut/soy concoction, read part of this highly informative book im reading (still in pj’s) while there is a delicious warm body sleeping in my bed.

this is the start to my thursday morning.

my life in this moment is perfect. and i was listening in a lecture last night about “complaining”. i dont want to complain today. i CANT complain today. even if my knee-jerk is to want to find sooooomething to complain about-i refuse. today is perfect.

i had a doctors appointment on monday. no biggs, but i have to take further action, and normally i think i wouldve gotten highly upset at the simple fact my body isnt functioning 100%. shes deciding for whatever reason for the moment to function at say…89%…

its funny how a doctors appointment can completely put one in perspective with simply being human and potentially fallible. ill speak for myself- i take my body, my machine, my temple for granted. hear me out. i do and i dont. i work out daily, i sweat, i fuel it the best i can (most of the time), i detox it, i supplement it. i massage it. but i dont remember to honor it as much as i could. as much as “it” would probably like to hear. i forget. i wake up, my feet hit the floor every morning faithfully without complaint, my legs carry me through this life, and my arms still choose to hug and cradle those around me. all of this without any whisper of a complaint. it shows up for me. and this is where i could revere, praise, and honor much more than i do. i really do have much gratitude for my strong body and the way it functions. and this gratitude really shows up when i go to the doctor and they tell me that “its” trying to tell me something (the reason i went to the doc in the first place is that i could sense i was being told something…).

so now its just a lil tweak here, and a little love there to getter back to 100%.

instead of complaining…i view this as a gift. an opportunity to practice self-care. an opportunity to be grateful for paying attention to my needs. no complaints needed. just a smile and a little affection.

our bodies are our temple. they house our most brilliant, fiery, wild souls. our bodies are the gatekeeper to our divine. we must not neglect. we must polish it and keep it shiny.

peace –

happy thursday….

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take a ….

deep breath.

in
out
in
out……..

im sitting here looking at the blinking line on my computer as it waits patiently for me to get creative quickly..it blinks, and i feel like ive become so acquainted with this line as if it were my pet begging me to take it out for a session of fetch.

so here i am….

improvise.

im sitting here in my dining room staring at my newly picked calla lilies wondering if i can decipher what sort of mood im in.

im so happy. im so blessed. i got to spend the day with my sister, and a good friend is in town, and ive just all around been amongst good peeps. my life is full, my heart is full, my tummy is full therefore i am grateful.

but i just get pissy.

why?

am i hungry?

do i need to have wild sex?

did someone hurt my feelings?

or did i just get confused and wake up feeling like a 4 year old needing to get her tantrum quota in???

but as i sit here, im listening to the nicki minaj song, “MOMENT FOR LIFE”…..its got a great message:

I fly with the stars in the skies
I am no longer trying to survive
I BELIEVE THAT LIFE IS A PRIZE
BUT TO LIVE DOESNT MEAN YOUR ALIVE

Don’t worry about me & who I fire
I get what I desire
It’s my empire
And yes, I call the shots, I am the umpire
I sprinkle holy water upon the vampire

In this very moment I’m king
IN THIS VERY MOMENT I SLAYED GOLIATH WITH A SLING
This very moment I bring
put it on everything, that I will retire with the ring
and I will retire with the crown, Yes
NO IM NOT LUCKY IM BLESSED, Yes
clap for the heavyweight champ, Me
BUT I COULDNT DO IT ALL ALONE, We…..

I wish that I could have this moment 4 life, 4 life, 4 life
Cause In this moment, i just feel so alive, alive, alive
I wish that I could have this moment 4 life, 4 life, 4 life
This is my moment, I just feel so alive

I’m really tryna make it more than what it is, CAUSE EVERYBODY DIES BUT NOT EVERYBODY LIVES …

So-this was my subliminal attitude adjustment i needed. just hearing this song puts shit in check for me. i wanna pout, but theres nothing to pout about, and that pisses me off.

so, here we are: me, you, nicki minaj, and all of our blessings.

i have no choice but to laugh at myself at how pathetic i wanna be.

have you ever seen a toddler fall down but not get hurt? they’re fine but they wanna cry just because, but since no one pays attention they dont bother with the tears?!

thats how i feel…i wanna have a scowl on my face but no ones giving me the time of day to enroll in my funk…so why bother??! 😉

so im gonna enjoy the rest of my night i may go out, get my swerve on. have a cocktail or 5, or sit at home watch the history channel and learn myself somethin’…or just put my ass to sleep…clearly, its nap time for baby…

we’re not lucky/we’re blessed!!!-

n.

but by the grace of God….

have i had an insane attitude adjustment…holy shit.

i have the tendency to choose situations where i can get away with pitching a fit, or acting a fool, raising hell and getting away with it.

i am in a situation right now where i am choosing to rip the new skin off and let it feel the uncomfortable briskness of the oxygen healing it. its so uncomfortable. i can only imagine it feels like a baby’s first exposure to the sterile reality of its new home. this is my home. this new home of choosing to do things differently. can i emphasize the level of this new skin burn? it is painful, but refreshing at the same time. im now craving it. im growing.

there have been so many times in my past where i didnt want to take responsibility for shit in my life. i was so “trigger happy” to point the finger anywhere but at myself. that was unbearable and not even an option. but today, i chose differently.

i had a conversation. a conversation in which i think i may have been somewhat adult-like. go figure?!

i didnt sell myself out. i didnt put my needs on the back-burner only to have the right to bitch because my needs didnt get met. ive noticed in times past that ive thoroughly enjoyed withholding my needs so i could revel in the victim role and be nominated in that role for an academy award. today i was not interested in that accolade. i also didnt make that person the enemy or guilty. i voiced my needs, but in voicing those needs did i find my strength. i empowered myself and the other.

i am finding myself no longer interested in the drain of energy it takes to kick and scream like a toddler. the slobbering, the blubbering is not a good look. i grew up in a household that the louder one screamed and raged the more respect (FEAR, actually) that was garnered from the others around. its taken me all these years to get hip to the fact that it really just isnt a good look. i didnt do that today.

i spoke my truth. i spoke my love. i offered my tender softness.

and i dont know whats more beautiful…that i got all those things in return, or that i was able to witness myself actually capable of delivering those things. i never saw myself this way as i was today. am i coming into my womanhood, by embracing the innocent little girl that is ever-present but so often ignored? how counter-intuitive one might think, right? but not the case. i honored her today, and received honor in return.

a beautiful grace given to me. i am grateful.

thanks for taking this journey with me. i am constantly fucking up and tripping over my own feet, but today i called upon a force greater than myself and it showed up for me. the spoiled brat was nowhere to be found and my experience was the better for her absence. and the presence that showed up to guide me is the one i want to keep in my back pocket. the other go-to’s dont serve, and i am learning this slowly and surely.

open your heart today to someone. if you are feeling pain its probably because you have within you the desire to give love and are not doing so. lets all make ourselves available to opening up to give and receive love. we are all in need. any pain we feel is just our cry out for more love. and i am learning that there is nothing wrong or weak in wanting more and more love. we are lovers. i am more of a lover than i ever thought or allowed myself to be.

today, i make love not war.

my love extends to you wherever you are in this moment…i hope you can feel it.

love is all there is-

n.