sitting in my bed…

drinking my japanese green tea, i am finding myself watching brainless, well, not WATCHING brainless, but listening to brainless tele. i do not want to sit in any silence today. i want noise, i want busy-ness, i want vibration.
im restless.
i have to go to work in T-minus 2 hours and im not in the mood to look “pretty”.

today is a day of “should haves”…

i should’ve gone on a run
i should’ve gone to the gym
i should have this…i should have that…

and i know the exact reason i am feeling so discontented. the silence i dont want right now is the very silence i should’ve sought out this am upon waking. i didn’t sleep so well last night, so all the more reason to ground myself as i move through the day. i rebelled and here i am…a little less than pleased. i dont want to get dressed. i dont want to eat dinner. i dont want to check my emails. i dont even wanna dick about with facebook. i dont know what i want. i dont even know what i dont want. 🙂

but at least i took the initiative to write about it so at least its out of me. its a mood, i tell ya. a mood. and damn, its friday, people, life is fucking grand, and i really want to smile. so im gonna force my teeth to peek through my lips and smile.

right here and right now i will try and remember this quote. and instead of REacting to my mood, at this very moment i am choosing a new action.

“A life of reaction is a life of slavery, intellectually and spiritually. One must fight for a life of action, not reaction.”- Rita Mae Brown

so powerful and so true. my moods such as this are always derived from not having done with the day what i could have. i could have packed more in, i could have helped more. i could have loved more. when i squander my potential in a day i grow restless. this is my realization. i have the power to change the direction of the rest of my day, i mean, its only 8:33pm. 🙂 ive got all night.

exhaust your potential.
change someone’s life for the better.
nurture yourself.
become strong.

its all available in this very moment.

“i wish that i could have this moment for life….”-NM

i hope you all have a glorious friday night. dont drink and drive, and make as wise of choices as humanly possible tonight.

peace

-n.

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sweet child o’ mine…

i read many philosophies, and one from the BIBLE is one of my greatest challenges. its stated in Matthew, “unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of God.”

now, i dont quite believe that when we die if we are good we go to “heaven” and if we are bad we go to”hell” per se. i believe that we create our beauty or our ugly right here in this life time. our present time “HEAVEN” or our current state of “HELL”.

i get so caught up in my adult dramas. my finances. my work. my misery. my lack. my unfulfilled desires….do you really want me to bore you and continue the list?…didnt think so.

i get so far away from my joy. my joy that i had when i was very young and everything was pure. this understanding of feeling completely supported, completely safe to express myself-the knowing i had so much love around me. i get so far removed from this everyday that i lose my child like heart. (now let me tell you, these feelings of complete safety, happiness, and freedom didnt last my whole childhood…some things went awry). but i still know the concrete feeling of it.

we are capable of having this everyday if we just reboot and run back to it as often as we can.

i was walking with a client of mine the other day who is pregnant. and it is such a beautiful experience to witness. everyday something new happens. its uncomfortable. its unfamiliar. its challenging, yet it is our most glorious miracle.

watching her belly grow and everyday i see her being reminded of all the miracles around us really puts me in check. this heart was on the ground one day last week on our walk. it reminded me to breathe, calm my shit down, and again…get back to my child like heart.

if we go deep down into that space we all have that purest most sacred joy. find your yummy, sweet child heart.

tap in.

peace.

n. 🙂

how do i forget so easily…

that if im not taking care of myself INTERNALLY…everything EXTERNALLY just gets all jacked up…..

ive been so frenetic lately. obsessing about this. hyper-focused on that. feeling just a little more snappy, less patient, and being so grossly judgmental with myself and others. its such a yucky feeling.

well, it creeps up, and every time (slow learning curve) i think to myself, “why do i feel so funky?”…

it all goes back to answering my own question….”what have i been doing regularly to follow my bliss?” or in other words: “how am i nourishing my spirit? how am i taking care of myself?” all these questions are interpreted into the same question/answer game.

and always- not sometimes-not 1 out of 3-not 7 out of 10…every freakin time the answer is an “aha moment”…ive neglected putting myself first.

and what i mean by this is for me, i have to center myself first thing in the morning before i let the crazy train convince me to buy a ticket and board.

c’mon, lets face it, anyone who knows me at all knows i can go bat-shit in T-minus 10…i have to be proactive…its sort of my “preventative maintenance”.

last night i went to my lecture that ive been going to on tuesdays faithfully for over a year only missing when out of town. well, it got bumped to mondays and a new location, and of course that pissed me off….so i boycotted last week, but lowered my resistance and went last night.

i sat down, and an overwhelming peace came over me. i need this. i must have this. its like oxygen for me. it opened my heart again.

these heart opening things can be any number of things for us.

fly-fishin’
not missing an opportunity to tell those we love that we so do love them
taking a gorgeous bath
choosing kindness
riding on a motorcycle
driving a muscle car really, really fast
hangin with the boys
brunch with your girls

these “heart openers” can come in many forms.

this one happens to just be a huge one for me.

im not sure if its just simply pathetic or comical at this point that i always seem to be perplexed on how i become so toxic to myself…its in not doing the things for myself that bring me beauty and in turn make me a more beautiful person to be around. because i can get ugly and be ugly really fast. 😦

the last couple of weeks ive been so toxic, moody, pissy, ive wanted to chew my own face off. not to mention those around me that probably wanted to give me a hand with it also…

whatever our internal landscape our external will reflect. the world inside us is the one we will create outside.

this can be scary, but it can also be very positive. knowing that i have control over what my life looks/feels like is under my control is a glorious thing. i can choose. i can make it however i wish. i choose the people in it, i choose the amount of love given and exchanged. i just need to make good choices!

im so in love with those in my world who know when and how to say, “ummm Nat, are you taking care of yourself?” and i know exactly what they mean. its their kind way of saying, “pull your shit together and do for yourself what keeps you sane.”

so last night i remembered to open my heart, nourish it and share it with others….and 2 glasses of johnnie black didnt hurt either. johnnie always seems to open my heart right up.

seriously though- if you find yourself annoyed, short-tempered, borderline hostile, take a time out. calm your shit down the same way they did with us in elementary. put yourself on a time out. regroup. stop the feverish explosive head spin. time out. do for yourself whatever it is your hearts crying out for.
create.
sing.
dance.
sweat.
run.
go on a walk.
make love.
be love.
give love.

your heart, your friends, and your stress level with thank you.

peace on a tuesday….

n.