i havent written down my thoughts n a while, and i feel like the trash dump on staten island on the inside. so, maybe i need to think out loud for myself today.
if im being honest with myself…i think im in a rut.
im standing in the mud with a pair of ’91 doc martens weighing me down in the sludge.
i feel as if i cant even move backward if i wanted to. what? i cant even REGRESS if i wanted to?
and, in truth, all these bull-shit ideas arent my truth. i know this.
i know my truth is that i am strong. i am capable, and i am a body in motion. and Newton proved in his first law, that “a body in motion tends to stay in motion…unless acted on by an outside force”.
is there an outside force fucking with me and causing me to feel as if im not in fact in motion? or is there an outside force pushing me off my present path??? this i do not know.
what i know to be true is this:
we are all Gods children-children of the infinite with possibilities that are boundless. i know this to be true, i just cant feel it right in this moment. so whats imperative for me right here right now is to go within. go within to sort of dispel that so-called “outside force”.
inside is where everything is. inside is where change happens. inside is where i have to come up for air. not outside. inside.
ive avoided me. ive avoided my internal dialogue, and like a kid throwing a temper tantrum, now my shits all amok…my spirit is in demand of attention.
so, as i do some obsessive home improvements and have a toddler quiet time tonight, maybe everything will quiet. maybe it will be like a projected storm that dissolves into nothingness before it strikes land.
tonight…a glass of wine, severe, almost scary home cleaning and borderline neurotic actions will hopefully bring me back home. dig me out of the muck and the mire that im currently illusioned into believing that im stuck in…
and i will wake up tomorrow renewed, refreshed, and revived and i will realize it was all a bad dream…
ok, thats it for today…sorry it wasnt sugary coated with cavity causing sweetness. this is where im at today.
but the brilliant thing is…i can just take off the boots, leave them there and go bare-foot.