as i sit at my coffee shop….

on this overcast monday morning yet again attacking head on the search for my meaning today as well as simply the overall meaning for life…in this ever so heavy time in my life…

God shows up with an intense sense of humor.

funny.

hilarious.

as of late as i have felt that there must be a camera following me around to catch my reactions to life’s happenings…well, here we are again. wheres the jokester with the camera?

“where is the freaking camera???” like candid camera…its got to be somewhere.

so, back to the story…at my coffee shop-as im heavy in thought, writing, pondering, assessing (probably with a deep furrow between my brows)…this guy next to me…wait, did i hear something? is that his cup moving making that noise on the table?…ok, back to my heavy thoughts on life…damn, what is that noise??? surely this guys not….ok, ok, ok, meaning of life…where am i? am i lost am i found? am i in my purpose??? OMG!!!! JUST WHAT I SUSPECTED!!!!! THIS GUY IS IN A PERPETUAL STATE OF FARTING (i dont know how else to say it). so immediately i look around to see if -a) anyone else is privy to this sonic reality -b) i look to see if he even is concerned with himself -c) then i look for yes, a camera….is he serious with this (shit) right now??!!!! as i am reading an excerpt from the TAO, guy decides to stand (ass at the side of my head)…and again, the slow, daunting rumble of thunder seeping through his faded black jeans and seeping in to haunt my right ear…as he leaves he takes his sweet precious time gathering his belongings. just standing there. still blowing a mighty wind… i am now in complete denial and shock! im trying to find some sort of semblance of my life and seek peace and happiness, and right in this moment God thought it would be a good idea that maybe i needed a good laugh. i did. i laughed hard and long (kinda like the guys…..you know, flatulence)….

long hard and loud…

do it.

just for today, do it long hard and loud…

be it a fart.

but preferably a really good laugh…or really good sex.

whatever it be, make God proud. He may just need to use you to brighten someones day ;)….

peace.

n.

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admitting my addiction to…

three’s company—i sit here watching….watching….and…watching…. brain dead.

but in all reality i need to release, cleanse, exorcise the thoughts from my brain dead head.

i am mixed with crazy emotion as i dive into a difficult and unexpected life alteration.

as something traumatic and completely shocking happens to someone i care for-i do what i always do in times such as this: i try to dig my toes deep in my boots and pull the straps up, clamp my heels down and start walking. this is where i become stoic. this is where i try to do right by those around me. this is where i try to hold shit down all while not getting in the way, and not shedding a tear.

tears arent accepted when i morph into this headspace. i have to do what a big girl does. just do it, just be it-whatever THAT is.

but heres the rub-

my soul wants to cry. my spirit has been shaken. and my heart is sad. and its ok, it will all mend. by the Grace of God, it always does. but right now in this time, i am conflicted with pushing my own feelings aside to remain strong for the loves around me. and like Tori Amos most cleverly wrote-i feel like “my scream got lost in a paper cup, i think theres a heaven where some screams have gone…”

i read this verse yesterday: “father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. “-john 17:24…i took it this way: i need to be with the ones i love right now in this painful time of chaos and unwanted change. to be with him exactly as he is. and in his struggles and frustration, heartache, and tears-see his glory. he is perfect. He is perfect because God loved him far before the earth was created. and those that have been with me in this time exactly as i am miraculously recharge me to again, be there for him. its a beautiful gift exchange.

and finally, my tears have revolted. against my strongest statuesque rebellion they have revolted. but its ok. no one has to see them. i cry out to the angels that watch over me and in my own quiet and solitude these same angels hold my tears in their hands.

give love to those around you. life and the force of it shifts like the four winds. embrace.

i just want to acknowledge the angels that watch over me daily and nightly. and i want to bow to the angels that watched over a beautiful beautiful boy at 3:07 am on september 11, 2011.

in much gratitude….

n.

sweating my balls off…

in september and wondering why LA decided to be tardy with its anticipated summer arrival…

well, nonetheless, its finally here. so i will wish for just a few days for ac, then the rest of the entire year i will go back to opening all the french windows and catch a chill.

i figured i should type something as i have meandered off track with my writing. and this is a way to exercise/exorcise my thoughts-most literally and figuratively.

a few days ago i wrote how my panties were in a bunch over a lot of nothing really. so what, it happens.

but my perspective today is that sometimes we take one step back to take 2 steps forward. and its all in the perspective. and today, im a little tired of having a bad attitude so i am able today, to muster the strength for a smile for all of those around. (i think the large amounts of caffeine is also at work)…

but today, since this is where im at, i want to just say,”love love love someone, and let them know how you feel”.

life is good
life is sweet
and its nice to say bye to the darkside…at least for today! 😉

…just for today…

peace.

n.