growing pains…..

i am at the effect of feeling a little pain in growth. well, not even pain, but the deflated sense of not getting my way.

-not getting to act out.
-misbehave.
-be irrational.
-yell.
-scream.
-be utterly out of control.

but the word is GENEROSITY.

im choosing to be generous. before we start, please dont misinterpret what i am saying…im not talking as if i am self-righteous and “granting” such a notion onto another from a gaudy throne high up in a castle. and it is in fact not true that others are victim to my every whim…thats not what i am saying…
ok, here we go…

“Generosity is not giving me that which I need more than you do, but it is giving me that which you need more than I do.”-
Khalil Gibran

let me first say, no one “needs” anyone else’s actions to dictate their happiness or reality. we own all of that in our minds.

but, sometimes i wake up such as this morning and want to piss in someones cheerios just…because.
because i get antsy
because i get uncomfortable with intimacy
because i want to create distance
because its a bad habit
because i want to aggressively act and not even react, but simply act out
because im anxious about God knows what
“because” takes on a multitude of faces.

and c’mon, i KNOW i am not alone.

but today i chose against myself (my immature self, that is) to be GENEROUS with my love. i chose to bestow generosity to someone elses feelings over my desire to instantly gratify and soothe my own knee-jerk reaction to stress. which we all know would cause myself and someone else emotional harm.

someone else needed my love. an idea in my mind arose that i needed to be an ass more than they needed my love. but i chose against “getting something unimportant off my chest” and chose to give love.

generosity with love wins every time. there is nothing to be lost there.

and the ridiculously elementary part of this whole thing is that i had no foundation for my unwarranted desire to be crazy anyway. i was just bored…and doesnt it seem more appropriate that in these times of “boredom” i find a cure for cancer or something??! …do something that actually matters in the world?!

it is really interesting the human condition. and i will use myself as the example. i am really a strong promoter of love and beauty to be displayed, given and received. however, i feel its going to be a life long journey in training myself to not deflect or reject that love.
maybe it will forever be an unanswered question on why we need love so much, but fight its flood over us.
we resist it,
we make excuses on why we shouldnt have it, and its scientifically proven that babies grow properly from being given healthy doses of love. everything inside and outside of nature exists better because of it.
but still we resist.

coming full circle, maybe i practiced a little self-love as a by-product of graciously extending love rather than spitting venom on another individual. maybe i saved myself the much-craved chaos that in essence is not good for me. maybe along with loving someone i saved myself today…thats a good start to the day, and every thing from here on out today is bonus.

generous with my love
generous with my kindness
generous with the things that are good…this is what i want to try today.

and i hope you are generous with me in understanding that our lives are a beautiful process…always something to be learned.
always somewhere to improve
always the opportunity to become better friends with our highest selves.

much love-

n.


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revolution.

there are so many things to learn from the peaceful revolutionary Martin Luther King, Jr. I have to say, that as a kid growing up, i couldnt nor did i really wrap my brain around the importance of his words and works.

growing up in an area that wasnt necessarily the “right side of the tracks”, what i know now to be a  blessing, i was raised in a home that didnt really see “separation” or lines that cut. we were all just in the same boat for the most part. and i think i was probably quite naive to the presence of status, levels, and race/sexual/financial limitation. but as an adult i can really, really appreciate the progressive and other-worldly knowledge and insight that Mr. King successfully imparted as a movement.

every time i want to flip someone off for cutting me off, or every time i want to violently defend myself against some sort of an attack great or small-i can always go back to his influence. i can go back to joining in his belief in non-violence. his commitment to the idea that we are all one- truly softens the blow when im in an uncontrollable moment of attack. if we are truly all one, how would it assist me to hurt another? will it not just come back to me? if i am hurting another am i not hurting myself? yes, i am. at our core, we are the same. we all do seek love. we all do seek happiness. we all do need others. we all seek liberation and freedom. our sickness, lack, fear may manifest in different ways, yet we are all the same. 

there are so many facets to civil rights today. they are all equally important. they all need attention and action.

while there are still 17,000 children dying a day from hunger-

while there is still even just one gay couple that cannot marry-

while there are still races who suffer from bigotry-

while there are still women being raped and abused everywhere-

while there is still a need for precious young men and women to leave home to fight wars-

while animals are still being treated inhumanely-

while governments (ours not excluded) continue to control its people by fear-

and while its still not just understood that all humans are entitled to healthcare-

we must carry on the words of Dr. King.

we must carry on the words of Jesus Christ.

we must carry on the words of Gandhi.

we must carry on the words of Mother Teresa.

we must carry on the words of so many great people before us. people that were tuned into their own greatness and the responsibility that comes with that awareness.

“to whom much is given much is tested…”-Luke 12:48 and Kanye 🙂

“All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.

we are all pre-programmed to serve the other,  to help the other, and to extend a hand to the other in need. this can be a practice in excellence. this, i am not even close to perfection. however, today (as it could be every day) to honor Mr. King in my way, and to honor humankind alike today, i would like to pay attention to my little judgements of others. be aware and vigilant of my thoughts that harm. today i can rectify my actions in any of those times in which i have been violent with words to another or withheld love from another human being. if i could pay homage DAILY to Mr. King or the other greats with an exemplifying rendition of their works as a blue print for my life-my world would be better for myself and the ones in my scope. 

 

peace.

rEVOLution.

n.

 



aaah…

per the request of my previous post…here i am-7:20pm having a glass of white at my new local cafe. Man, the power down to power up is really working for me right now.

 

i just wanted to send a quick check in to wish you all well. and that on this eleventh day of january you had so much joy springing from you that you couldnt contain yourselves!

 

much love to you….

 

n.

 

wow!! happy new year peeps!

so, ive decided to not do the played out new year mantra/pep talk/stating the resolve of a new year…instead i will talk about how crazily dependent one becomes on internet access…totally unrelated.

 

ive been in the process of moving since early december, and am officially in my new place along with juggling several birthdays, christmas, new years eve etc….so, the proverbial dust has somewhat settled. ive been tv-less which is actually quite nice. and ive been void of internet and still am. this, i feel lost. its a shame. i feel unsettled with the reality of “checking -in” or status updating and mobile uploads. however, i feel so removed from life not having it also. i feel like im out of the loop. i feel detached. 

i remember feeling anxiety not having any of my “gear” as i was beginning to play that life changing game we will call “SURVIVOR”. such a void penetrated me. i felt like i was kicking. unable to speak with family, loved ones, and not being able to plug in to any happenings or drama of the moment-i had to just sink into that ever-deafening silence.

THEN…

as i settled in, the peace came. 

no distraction.

no influence.

no noise.

not even a mirror to see myself (that was awesome)

it was like i was floating and so focused at the same time. i was so available to everything around me and everything around was available to me. but focused.

so, now, in the new year, i want to feel that focus. that power of potentiality. i obviously have to function in this world so i need my computer, i need my phone…but can i detach from it on a level? i think so. i can focus on the love in my life. focus on the good shit, and focus on the things i want to see and do, and with whom. but the beautiful trick is to balance that scary/deafening silence with the facets of life in LA. visit that void. make that void my friend. sitting in my painful silence has proven to be one of the most powerful tools ive ever employed. 

 

so, as i bitched the last few weeks in defiance of being stripped of modern day convenience aka distractions, here i am reveling in the sheer enjoyment of it.

 

this year…im going to be more present. present in the people around me. present in my endeavors. present in my life. that being said, i’m gonna turn my phone off from time to time. power down to power up.

 

peace, ya’ll.

 

n.