well hello, world…

i have missed you.

i have missed myself.

i cant get into too much detail in one blog. it would be of WAR AND PEACE magnitude, and i wish NOT to inflict such quantity  upon you on a beautiful Friday.

lets just say, my last post was January 13th…and from then until now i feel i have been in the trenches of war (even before January, if im gonna be accurate). i have been battling a war within myself for a few years now.

in true theme with my Comanche heritage and  chief Quanah Parker, it is in my blood to never shy away from a fight…it has always been innate for me to welcome them, actually.

Comanches are known for their savagery, and i spared no such savagery in the battle with myself.

for 2 years the tables have turned in a way where i was fighting with and fighting against the greatest warrior i have ever come up against.

myself.

i dont think i am writing to you and this finds you unable to understand. i think you can identify with exactly what i am saying right now.

i think the greatest warriors any of us come up against are ourselves.

i was winning some pretty insignificant battles with myself but almost lost the war.

i would wake up in the morning wondering where my fullness of life had gone.

in such a state of disillusionment, i would see but just a vapor of what my dreams had once been.

so perplexed, i couldn’t understand if it was one decision, many decisions, or like a leaf that fell into a lake-i had just effortlessly been carried off with the ripple over time.

anger.

self-abuse.

punishment.

victimhood.

hopelessness.

no direction to turn.

zero answers.

comfortless.

restless.

bitter.

that would be the cycle for the last few years of my life…only to play on repeat and no one is around to turn the damn thing off.

but the fighter, the warrior inside me that almost mockingly and joyously defeated me…GOT SERVED.

the OTHER fighter, the OTHER warrior EMERGED from the murky, muddy trenches.

like a phoenix rising from the ashes, this champion materialized from the thick, sticky mire and fought and scraped through the quicksand.

once suffocated and unable to breathe-my lungs opened up like a newborn baby shockingly going from amniotic fluid to cool, crisp oxygen.

i was alive.

i fought and prevailed.

i championed over myself.

life isnt always glamorous, perky, easy, and graceful. and anyone who fakes it or would like you to feel less than because they tell you it is-is full of  shit.

life is challenging.

life is unrelenting.

life is unapologetic.

BUT

what can take on that challenge?

what is even more unrelenting?

what is even more unapologetic?

the force within you.

that fire that burns inside you through the darkest of nights like a pilot light. it never goes out. ever soft. ever long.

that hungry edge within you that cries out to God.

the defender and protector within that can take one more punch. one more knock.one more hit-and laughs with every sting.

know which warrior to train.

know which voice to listen to, i believe it is a life-long training.

THAT warrior, THAT voice, THAT force will never leave you abandoned. i am living proof, that i was not left alone.

you are with you.

you are not alone.

peace,

n.

i want to thank all the artists on tumblr.

and thank you julie for your art.

 

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so heavenly…

i love the rare occasions when i dont have early clients, because that means i get to continue the affair with my far too many pillows and cal king. what that actually looks like  is me spinning around like a helicopter and i can bet drool is involved, but its ohhh so heavenly.

so, i feel i need (on behalf of the ladies) talk about an issue that freaked me the f*** out over the last month and a half. guys, this may be of use so at least skim over and and see if anything sticks. its about women, moods, hormones, and sex…it affects you one way or another.

so, i got on birth control about a month and a half ago. did the whole gyno bit, told her about my pms, and cramps-so we decided the pill was an option. we thought YAZ because of the low dose of hormones. im the girl that doesnt like to wash her hair, doesnt wear deodorant, and uses oils to preserve my “earthy” essence. that being said, to actually put a synthetic hormone in my body seems almost sacriligious.

i was actually kind of secretly excited about this new endeavor-i thought it was going to be the miracle pill for bloating, mood, all the BS we deal with on the monthly.

week 1: life is grand, and i am larger than life. i noticed it was a diuretic, so i was always peeing (my thoughts:ooooh, no water weight, nice) my skin was developing a really nice glow..all in all, week was was perfection.

week 2: same, but even better skin, getting a lil snappy with my mouth (and if you know me-can be quite cutting with no need for enhancement via a drug) and boy, am i huuuuungry. i just want to eat because i have a mouth and there are restaurants with food so i can be served.

week 3: maybe its a good idea to start crying……alot. “hey nat, what are you gonna do this weekend?”…..i retort, “hey, yah, this weekend? i think im going to cry. yah ive got my whole weekend planned. no, i cant go to that really cool party, ive already made plans to cry.” and the food at this point OUT OF M*F* CONTROL! i literally had a friend drive me to get pizza, and nachos all to be washed down with a jar of pickle juice. (the pickle juice you cant hold against me, im from the dirty and thats just what you do). so, needless to say, im starting to freak out because i cant tell you the last time ive held a piece of pizza in my hands or even gotten acquainted with a friendly plate of nachos. ALARMED.

week 4: switch back to on top of the world, have glorious 2 day period (gotta love that) but nervous about the fact i cant get full. oh, now ice cream…i havent had ice cream in at least 7 years, but now HAD TO HAVE IT. my life at this point is a bad movie montage of star wars  starring me as jabba the hut, and willy wonka and im cast as violet beauregarde who blows up into an uncontrollably fat blueberry. being health conscious and very exercise driven this is crazy making for me. so midway through week four the tears again because, i mean, why not.

week 5 (new poison pack): go through the first 4 pills then i think to myself…leeeeeeet me google this junk. well, to my surprise and astonishment, there are web pages dedicated to the hatred of this pill and the side effects and countless women taking time out of their days to write down their intense loathing for this pill. i hate to say, i spent 4 hours reading and reading and reading.

needless to say, i am off the poison. i finally got smart after 5 weeks (im a little slow on the uptake sometimes) and now have been off about 5 days. i feel sooooooo much better.

i just wanted to be honest with you about this even though its really personal to me in case anyone out there is on or thinking of taking this birth control pill. one should do their own research BEFOREHAND-i actually didnt and it cost me. i know that all pills work differently with different systems. so as it was destroying mine it could very well enhance another. i just thought i was going crazy and never linked it to the pill. so theres my candid, unflattering personal experience that i have shared with you. 

have a gah-reat day!!!!!

 

peace-

n.

late start…

so, 

how many commercials do we see just within a half an hour sitcom or watching a stint of the news that is related to some newly found disorder??? 

yesterday i saw a commercial on PAD (peripheral artery disease), and then one on “restless leg syndrome” wtf?? the PAD actually seems more legitimate that having a leg that wont sit still (a cure for that when i was a kid was a knock upside the head)-no meds needed.

but my point (there’s always a point)  is…

 

i literally get so depressed in the winter time. i hole up, i shut down, i feel like i can not function as an adult in our world most times. if its overcast i feel unsure. if its too windy? cant seem to take a risk. seriously. there is a name for this disorder.

SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER or (SAD) very fitting, right?!

 

well, i think it’s a crock of bullshit. or at least im choosing to not fall prey as another number in the statistic game of those out there that sign up to say theyre a victim.

but,

in the winter, my life virtually turns upside down. i cant get/stay warm, i dont want to see friends or make an effort, and i eat, boy do i eat.

but cut to today-its literally 92 degrees here in LA. Beads of sweat are scurrying down my back  as if to jockey for pole position as i type away in my apartment. and what?

i have a smile on my face. i couldnt be happier. i love the heat, the sun, the warmth. it makes me strong. it makes me alert. it makes me want to.

so back to my bullshit theory…

 

maybe i shouldnt take a pill or set up “light therapy” sessions, but there is something to be said for the way i feel in both seasons. literally, im like 2 different people. i dont have the answer or a theory for that matter. i am still just going to choose to not believe in such a disorder.

i think it was said poetically this way, “mama, you can choose the rain, but i choose the sun….thats all i need to free myself…”- Nikka Costa

 

anyway, just thought i’d share with you.

 

i also want to acknowledge all the lives affected by the Columbine tragedy. it is not forgotten. the loved ones taken and the ones survived will not be forgotten.  

 

peace-

 

n.

its friday, people…

so i woke up a little early today to “read” the news on my computer. Jesus, there’s some big shit poppin’, and its not all good. what the hell? Sunday school teacher murders a child (her own i believe), a mother attempting to kill her toddler, then stabbing herself to kill her unborn, the dow, S&P, blah blah blah….its enough for all of us to run down to the nearest doc and request really nice drugs! (do you see the pink elephants melting down the wall)…

 

BUT, there’s always a big butt…

it’s friday.

 

so if i can reverse any negative bull shit we’ve heard or witnessed or read about, im gonna try.

here goes-

 

have a beautiful weekend. do something randomly kind for a stranger wanting nothing in return. if its hard for you to smile, do it in spite of yourself. if you are quick to anger, slow it down. and breathe.

we are blessed.

 

n.

this very bizarre thing…

im reading a book and a topic is power.  something ive been thinking a lot about lately.

this author says that there should be no fear if power is grown alongside vulnerability. he states that the creator of yoga, Patanjali says to tread lightly around the area of power so that it will not be abused (Patanjali was fearful of the trouble power could cause if used wrongly). the author  also states that the fixable solution to that is to also be developing vulnurability. 

i find this very interesting as of late. we find ourselves in times of our lives feeling invincible, other times invisible. sometimes we are magnetic and alluring, other times mousy and quietly assessing. 

so for me, this is a quite graceful balance to attain- to continue developing my ability to remain vunerable, and allowing my power to be an unbridled force. 

i know this is a weird one today. the women im sure can get what im saying. even the men too, even though they dont want to admit that they too think of their power. 🙂

 

it seems to always come back to balance.

balance.

 

peace.

 

n

well, hello….

i have been out of pocket for a hot minute. i was so excited to wake up and talk to you. a lot about nothing, per usual, but ready to talk. lets see…what has happened in the time ive been away from my letter keys with you?

 

-big happs- my weirdo public view bathroom user neighbor put up a curtain! that was a small victory for me.

-i had a gyno appt. that’s alwayyyys fun.

-and i have pretty much been living under a rock.

-but in saying that, i have been productive in the midst of…

 

and as always, it is so therapeutic for me to write out loud my thoughts and little things. even when there is absolutely nothing ground breaking, it helps me get alllllll the crap out.

now, i have to work. did i mention i want a vacation? in this tax frenzied effed up economy…i want a vacay.

 

anyhoo-

happy humps.

 

n.

here we are at wednesday already…

so i went to texas over the weekend. my sister and i planned a surprise joined 60th birthday party for my ma and pa. 

i gotta say, it went off without a hitch, they loved it and it was so much fun. 

we ate mexican food, crawfish is in season, life down in the dirty couldnt be any sweeter.

 

im actually going home again in may so im going to thoroughly abuse the crawfish, molest it. the hotter the better.

 

now im back in LA. i gotta say i love this town, but cant help to feel my time with mama and daddy was too short this time. i already miss them like a kid going off to school for the first day. i know, i know,  im grown. but im still just a lil girl.

 

peace on hump day.

 

n.