well hello, world…

i have missed you.

i have missed myself.

i cant get into too much detail in one blog. it would be of WAR AND PEACE magnitude, and i wish NOT to inflict such quantity  upon you on a beautiful Friday.

lets just say, my last post was January 13th…and from then until now i feel i have been in the trenches of war (even before January, if im gonna be accurate). i have been battling a war within myself for a few years now.

in true theme with my Comanche heritage and  chief Quanah Parker, it is in my blood to never shy away from a fight…it has always been innate for me to welcome them, actually.

Comanches are known for their savagery, and i spared no such savagery in the battle with myself.

for 2 years the tables have turned in a way where i was fighting with and fighting against the greatest warrior i have ever come up against.

myself.

i dont think i am writing to you and this finds you unable to understand. i think you can identify with exactly what i am saying right now.

i think the greatest warriors any of us come up against are ourselves.

i was winning some pretty insignificant battles with myself but almost lost the war.

i would wake up in the morning wondering where my fullness of life had gone.

in such a state of disillusionment, i would see but just a vapor of what my dreams had once been.

so perplexed, i couldn’t understand if it was one decision, many decisions, or like a leaf that fell into a lake-i had just effortlessly been carried off with the ripple over time.

anger.

self-abuse.

punishment.

victimhood.

hopelessness.

no direction to turn.

zero answers.

comfortless.

restless.

bitter.

that would be the cycle for the last few years of my life…only to play on repeat and no one is around to turn the damn thing off.

but the fighter, the warrior inside me that almost mockingly and joyously defeated me…GOT SERVED.

the OTHER fighter, the OTHER warrior EMERGED from the murky, muddy trenches.

like a phoenix rising from the ashes, this champion materialized from the thick, sticky mire and fought and scraped through the quicksand.

once suffocated and unable to breathe-my lungs opened up like a newborn baby shockingly going from amniotic fluid to cool, crisp oxygen.

i was alive.

i fought and prevailed.

i championed over myself.

life isnt always glamorous, perky, easy, and graceful. and anyone who fakes it or would like you to feel less than because they tell you it is-is full of  shit.

life is challenging.

life is unrelenting.

life is unapologetic.

BUT

what can take on that challenge?

what is even more unrelenting?

what is even more unapologetic?

the force within you.

that fire that burns inside you through the darkest of nights like a pilot light. it never goes out. ever soft. ever long.

that hungry edge within you that cries out to God.

the defender and protector within that can take one more punch. one more knock.one more hit-and laughs with every sting.

know which warrior to train.

know which voice to listen to, i believe it is a life-long training.

THAT warrior, THAT voice, THAT force will never leave you abandoned. i am living proof, that i was not left alone.

you are with you.

you are not alone.

peace,

n.

i want to thank all the artists on tumblr.

and thank you julie for your art.

 

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