im taking a brief pause from my obsessive love affair with documentaries. to just reflect on stuff.
i dont know what i really want to say or what im thinking to even convey through words…
“happiness comes from within”…right?? im finding myself in a place of happiness, but extreme restlessness.
i feel a need to do something greater than what ive done thus far to date. my thoughts upon rising as i look out into a beautiful morning view immediately turn toward the things i could be doing more of. and my heart starts racing. yet, if someone asked, “hey Nat, are you happy?” my slow reply of a pensive answer would most probably be “yes.”
i have more than i need, and most everything i want.
yet i have a fire burning inside me thats about to blister. my patient boyfriend gets to hear all my zany ideas everyday.
“i want to shoot a documentary on ——, i wanna blow the lid off——-”
“i want to start a non profit that delivers food to skid row-a lil more than a hip taco truck 🙂 and i would employ the homeless that wanted to work and help others as well.”
“i can go back to the boys and girls club of hollywood and give of my time”
“im already corresponding with the incarcerated….can i do more though??”
so i sit here wondering if one can be happy yet not wholly contented. is there a difference in happiness and contentment? i am happy, but i want more.
i dont want more “things”. i dont want more”stuff”.
however, i am not satisfied with my life as it is.
i feel starved.
and what i am hungry for is passion complimented with service.
being the voice for those without a voice.
creating a movement for those that cannot move.
needing to help those in need.
and im sure youre reading this saying,”ok, well theres a million causes you can get involved in….duh, just do it” and youre right, but i find myself paralyzed when it comes to action. im starving for purpose. but cannot make a move “on purpose”.
does ANYONE else feel this way or am i just totally on my own in this?
so, im saying out loud i want to execute my life-which is my art-which is my life…on purpose. this lack of “on purpose” is what keeps me from my elusive contentment.
my happiness is here. its been here for a while. i want to be content.
but does contentment somehow become complacence? ive felt deep down from somewhere that if one attains contentment they end up like the fat lazy house cat. thats a fear. probably a completely unfounded fear but a fear nonetheless. or perhaps, if we wanna be real…an excuse.
maybe all of this is my internal system telling me to get ‘the more’ that i want. maybe if im asking these questions theres a bit of hope i can reach up and grab. an idea will come to me. a movement will start beating to the heart drum inside me.
someone who i revere and look to for guidance, Marianne Williamson, wrote this paragraph in her book: A RETURN TO LOVE-
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.’ We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. YOUR PLAYING SMALL DOES NOT SERVE THE WORLD. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in EVERYONE. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
its time to play big.
peace-
n.
natalie bolton: blog 